The Weekend Review

Alright there was way too much shit that went on this weekend for me to write about one thing. Also, Monday counts as the weekend for two reasons: 1. Monday Night Football, and 2. I don't have class until 7 pm. We'll start with Friday.

• Bugs eat Joba Chamberlain alive, OFF! gets a bunch of free advertising, and the Yankees blow it, while everyone in Cleveland laughs because apparently OFF! only repels mosquitoes, and somehow attracts whatever plague it was that descended on the Jake.
• Manny, being Manny, gets a big hit in a crucial playoff game that singlehandedly destroys the Angels. I don't even know why they bothered to play game 3. Not even Christopher Lloyd and those two orphan kids could have saved them. Oh, and Jonathan Papelbon, holy shit your faces are amazing. Please never stop playing baseball.
• That was pretty much it for Friday.

Saturday

• OK, seriously, what the fuck is going on with football this season? Both the college and pro games have had absolutely ridiculous seasons so far. After last week's Top-10 debacle, I thought that maybe some sanity would return to college football this week. Nope. Stanford beats SC (in the Coliseum, I might add), Wisconsin falls to Illinois (who is now tied for first in the Big 10), and South Florida, which started its program a mere 11 years ago, is the 5th best team in the country. Seriously, wtf.
• I guess there were some baseball games. The Cubs completed another successful season. That is, if you define success by getting me really excited and then, collectively, as an organization, reaching through my sternum and ribs, grabbing my heart, crushing it in their fist while inside my body, ripping it out, and peeing on it. The Cubs finished the season with their best offensive month of the year, convincing plenty of media outlets that with veteran leadership, this team had a legitimate shot at at least winning the NL, if not even surprising an AL team in the World Series. Oops! Instead, they went 1-for-23 with runners in scoring position and got swept by the D*Backs. (Since when did it become okay to put lame abbreviations on your jerseys? Fuck that.)
• The young, upstart Rockies (pictured below) swept the Phillies, and everyone in Philadelphia was put on suicide watch. Just a random note, when I went to Boston a couple years ago, I happened to be there for Opening Day, however I did not see a game there, I just toured the stadium. The Red Sox went on to win that World Series. This summer, while driving back to school, I was in Denver and toured Coors Field. I don't know if that means anything, but let's just say if the Rockies can win it all, and I think they will, you can bet your ass I'll be touring Wrigley next summer, and I'm not going to a single Cubs game.
• Patrick Kane scored the winning goal in a shootout to help the Blackhawks beat the Red Wings. I am so ready for hockey season.
  

Sunday

• Back to more of nonsensical football. The only thing that has made sense this year is that the Patriots are really, really, really good. Everyone saw this coming. I wish every team I liked was run like the Patriots. "Hey, last season in the playoffs we got screwed cause we didn't have any big-play receivers." Enter Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. God damn. I just hope they don't go 16-0, although it is very unlikely. As for the rest of the league, it's a crap shoot. Last year's NFC finalists, the Bears and the Saints, were a combined 1-6 entering this week. The Saints blew it again, but the Bears ruined Brett Favre's lovefest with his wife by forcing 5 turnovers. They still haven't convinced me of anything though. (Side note, Devin Hester is going to go 16-0.) My hero of the day: Kris Brown, the Texans kicker. 23 fantasy points! From my kicker! 5 field goals, 3 over 50 yards, including a 57-yarder as time ran out to win the game. What a stud.
• The Red Sox finished off the Angels, and the Yankees survived, thanks to Phil Hughes, and not thanks to Roger Clemens, who it turns out is really old and had to leave the game with back problems or some other thing that only old people have.
• Not that anyone but me likes NASCAR, but if you didn't catch the highlights or something of this race you missed out big time. Jeff Gordon has huge balls. Massive. Watermelon-sized. This video of the last two laps doesn't really show the pass he made on Jimmie Johnson with about two-thirds of a lap to go, but you still get the idea. You know what, fuck you, I like NASCAR, and Jeff Gordon is awesome. Jerks.

Monday

• Paul Byrd and his wacky windup gave the Yankees every chance to win this game by loading the bases just about every inning, but they failed to do anything with it, resulting in the geniuses at TBS giving Byrd the "Player of the Game" honors, to which Byrd responded, "I didn't know I pitched that well." You didn't. But your team can hit, and the Yankees can only hit solo home runs, so it all worked out for the Tribe, and visions of Harry Doyle danced in our heads as they celebrated in incredibly awkward fashion on the mound at Yankee Stadium. Seriously, I don't know if there's a video of this anywhere, but they were all just kind of standing there, hopping in unison. Didn't look like a typical baseball celebration. This could cost them later on.
• Monday Night Football! What a dandy. The Bills had many things working in their favor for this game: 1. First MNF game in Buffalo in 13 years. 2. Two of the best players in their history, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, were back, hoping to see their team get some revenge on the Cowboys for all those Boy I Love Losing Superbowls jokes. 3. Inspired by his alma mater's performance, Trent Edwards, the ex-Tree, had all the motivation he needed to prove that he is in fact better than J.P. Losman. 4. They were wearing those awesome throwback unis. 5. Biggest reason of all, this game was written off as a blowout. No one was giving the Bills a chance here, which is never good for the favorite, especially in a prime time game. For most of the night, the Bills were using these 5 things to help them to a (seemingly) comfortable lead. Then something happened and they went back to being the Bills, and managed to blow the game despite perfectly executing the "timeout-right-as-they-kick-the-game-winning-FG" move, which actually originated in week 1, against the Bills! (That was also the only time the kicker missed the second kick. Edit: No it wasn't. Janikowski blew it too. See the comments.) So some random kid hits a 53-yarder for the Cowboys and the Bills lose... again. This team doesn't deserve to be 1-4, but such is this NFL season. You know this guy is not happy. (Turns out I go to school with this guy.)

Overall a pretty action packed weekend. Sports are cool.