College Football Picks!....The World Has Gone Mad

Okay so if you haven't been paying attention to college football recently, let me just fill you in on a few happenings.

1. Top 25 Debacle: It started with Michigan losing to Div. 1-AA App. State and has only continued with nine other top 10 teams losing to unranked teams (including USC losing to Stanford). The madness continued Thursday night with #2 USF (wtf?) losing to unranked Rutgers on a series of ridiculous fakes.

2. Wide-Open Heisman Race: Some of the top preseason Heisman candidates (Booty, Slanton, White, Henne, Brohm, Ainge) have been underwhelming to say the least at have been leading teams performing far below expectations. This has led to a pretty wide-open race (which is a total shock compared to the last few years where we pretty much knew who was going to win three games into the season). I stand by the fact that I have just as good a chance as anyone else to win the Heisman this year (it would be a nice addition to the dorm room I think).

P.S. That is not a photo of me, just some dude that has put up numbers that are equally as impressive as any other Heisman candidate.

3. Notre Dame Are Noobs: I know that I have displayed on numerous occasions my incredible distaste for the Irish, but honestly, Notre Dame are noobs. 1-6 start to the season? Ouch. See my "Where Is Your God Now?" article for a more in-depth look at Notre Dame.

With this in mind, let's take a look at the wacky world of college football in this week's "COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS SPONSORED BY BEE MOVIE SPONSORED BY THE NEW 2008 FORD F-150 WITH THE STEWART/COLBERT '08 DORITOS NACHO CRUNCH EXPLOSION HALF-TIME SHOW!"

Michigan State @ #1 Ohio State: Columbus is one of the

toughest places in the nation to play. Ohio State is clearly the better team and has started to gel quite nicely. They are motivated by their embarrassing loss in the BCS title game to the Gators last year and have their eyes fixated on winning a national championship.

Prediction: Michigan State 27 - Ohio State 24. I have no explanation for my prediction, and it is completely illogical. That

doesn't mean it's not a lock to happen. I'm predicting Dantonio goes deep into the playbook and pulls the ol' King of the Hill pooch punt while in the red zone. Ohio State is so baffled that they accidentally touch the ball, but MSU recovers in the end zone for the win as time expires.

#17 Auburn @ #4 LSU: LSU can easily bounce back from a loss to UK and win the national title, but they face a tough Auburn team that has a kicker majoring in Upsets Studies with a minor in Mocking the Opposing Fans. Bad joke and taunting Gator chomp aside, this should be a fun match up. They say you don't really know the caliber of a team until you see them fight through adversity (actually I have no clue they say, this is right up there with the "the best offense is a good defense" or vise versa thing that I still am not sure which way it goes). Regardless, let's see how LSU faces adversity.

Prediction: LSU's mascot, Mike VI who happens to be a real

tiger, breaks out of his cribs-esque 15,000 ft. mansion and attacks Auburn's mascot, Aubie, who is in fact not a real tiger. Auburn plays the rest of the game like Russell Crowe in that one fight from Gladiator. Unlike Maximus Decimus Meridius (does anyone know what paperwork I have to fill out to legally change my name to that?), Auburn sucks and gets mauled. Mike VI picks

up SEC defensive player of the week honors with 6 sacks, 9 tackles, 2 forced fumbles, and 3 causes of death.

#15 Florida @ #7 Kentucky: UK is coming off a massive upset of LSU in a tough triple OT game, while Florida is 4-2 (2-2 in SEC play) and knows that one more loss, regardless of how bonkers this season has been, means that they aren't going to be playing for anything meaningful for the rest of the season.

Prediction: Rich Brooks spends the entire first half desperately rubbing an oil lamp in the hope that his genie will come out again, only to realize after Florida is up 30 going into the the break that he has in fact used up all three of his wishes. (I wish we had a quarterback that defies physics and is a genetic freak of nature, I wish that we could pull off a massive upset on national TV, I wish that every other sports team in the state of Kentucky sucked so that people would be forced to pay attention to us.) Tim Tebow and his new line of jorts scores 9 TDs and scores the phone number from 38 hot Southern belles in the crowd.

#12 Cal @ UCLA: What a bummer for both teams. Funny thing that my friend Chance pointed out about this game, if Cal won against the Beavers last Saturday and UCLA isn't retarded (and when I say retarded, I don't mean stupid, I mean like downs syndrome) and doesn't lose to two significantly inferior opponents in Utah and Notre Dame, then this would be #1 Cal vs. #2 UCLA and both would be happily laughing their way to BCS bids as they notice how much better they're doing than USC. Instead, this game is just depressing for both sides.

Prediction: Unlike my other picks, I'm gonna take the science out of this one. I always enjoy seeing UCLA lose, but then again misery loves company and the thought of Cal being a much better football team than USC is annoying and keeps me up at night. However, my buddy Cal and his friends are coming into town to go to the game, so I'm gonna say the Golden Bears win when Karl Dorrell's conservative play-calling decides to punt the ball on 1st down with the lead and 10 seconds left in the game, allowing DeSean Jackson (did you know he was a USC fan as a kid? fuckin' a) to Soulja Boy his ass into the end zone for the win. Every student at UCLA has an aneurysm.

#14 USC @ Notre Dame: Average ticket price for this game is $500. I'm sorry, but who the hell is paying $500 to watch a 1-6 team take on a team that has been overrated since the beginning of the season and has proceeded to put in pathetic performance after pathetic performance? Charlie Cheeseburger has made the first intelligent move of the season by starting Evan Sharpley instead of Jimmy "Chucky" Clausen at QB. Meanwhile USC is losing men left and right (even my buddy on the scout team's O-line is injured). In related news, if you're a student or professor at USC and aren't busy on Saturday, Coach Carroll would like to know what your jersey size and 40 time is. Something just smells fishy about this game.

Prediction: My international relations teacher, Prof. Lamy predicted that USC would lose 28-24 after being up 24-0 harkening back to 1974 when USC won 55-24 after trailing Notre Dame 24-0 with 10 seconds left in the first half. I think Prof. Lamy is right (how's the grading of my paper going? wink wink nudge nudge), but the incredible Irish comeback will be even more epic than USC's in '74. After several unsuccessful attempts to kill the Trojans (this is the power that is possible when an entire college campus prays for the exact same thing), God successfully smites Pete Carroll and the remaining healthy players we have with a lightning storm. Students are called from the visiting student section to take to the field to defend the lead. Our mascot Traveler lines up in the backfield as tailback and manages to tear through the defensive line as USC attempts to run out the clock, but fumbles the ball into the hands of the Irish (oh you damn hooves!) who return the fumble for the game winning touchdown. Pope Benedict then canonizes Charlie Weiss in a long and drawn out post-game ceremony. Every Catholic in the nation cries foul on Sunday when Notre Dame is not ranked in the top 5.

So there you go. Might at well start putting money on these games based on my predictions (it's not like any one else knows what the fuck is going on in college football anyway). You also might as well mortgage your house right now.