Weekend Update

With no time to spare, since the weekend has already technically ended and I could be posting in detail on more things. Here's a quick look at all the sports-related incidents that happened over the past weekend that people care about.

College Football:

- #2 Oregon going down wasn't enough for you, College Football Gods? You just needed to have another top 5 fall? That's right, Oklahoma took another tumble to an unranked team this year (see Stupid Colorado Fans storm the Stupid Colorado field after Stupid Colorado's football team). This time it was Graham Harrell and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, located in good ole Lubbock Texas. Did you know Buddy Holly's from there (and my bud Jesse Tow)? Anyway, Oklahoma started off strong with a pretty sick INT return for a Touchdown, but unfortunately Sam Bradford got destroyed on his first play of the game after his tailback fumbled, and he wasn't able to return. Neither was Oklahoma, falling 34-27
- Kansas and Missouri both won, setting up a Big 12 showdown of #2 v. #4 (thanks a lot for ruining the consecutive numbers, WVU). It's a matchup with major national title implications. And people still don't care!
- Some dude on Ohio State named Chris Wells owned Michigan's defense, running all over them to lead his team to at least Pasadena with a 14-3 win. I would've caught the game only it started at 9 a.m. Pacific time. THANKS A LOT FOR FINISHING THE GAME BEFORE I WOKE UP, ASSHOLES.
- Cal continued to prove itself a force of ineptitude, this time fellating the Washington Huskies in a loss. In a game that featured the same clip of a floating bridge and Dan Fouts announcing, I came closer to suicide watching this on Saturday than I ever have in my life.
- LSU started a live tiger on offense to destroy its opponent.

Professional Football:

- After the most preposterous of field goal kicks was ruled "no-good," then changed to "good," then changed back to "WHO THE FUCK CARES THIS IS THE BROWNS v. RAVENS!!!" If you do care...the Browns ended up winning the game to go to 6-4.
- Brett Favre is old but still winning games. Remember when There's Something About Mary had just come out?
- All other NFL recaps of other teams are unnecessary this season because the New England Patriots are performing crimes against humanity in every game. Today they pooped all over the Buffalo Bills (without Marshawn Lynch, clearly the reason for their loss), scoring on 7 consecutive drives in the first half, eventually winning 56-10. Brady hooked up with Moss 4 times in the first half, their defense was solid throughout, and so they decided to just sit around and do Mad Libs for the rest of the game (Not Bill Belichick. He's incapable of laughter). Although it might not look like anything can stop them, history has shown us that sometimes things don't turn out as they should. With the 0-10 Dolphins on their schedule in the second to last week, we may see the marquee win Cam Cameron's been looking for this season. Also the first win he's been looking for. Or we might just see more pooping on other teams from New England.

Professional Basketball (Nothing to report yet on College Basketball except that Stanford got upset, which is always funny to a Cal fan):

- Much like their New England counterparts (you'll remember that every sports related thing in Boston has been going pretty damn well lately), the Boston Celtics are dominating the NBA. Whenever hot chicks are wearing your stuff again, your team is doing well. Unfortunately they suffered their first loss of the season Sunday night to Orlando, but to their credit it was only by two points. If this was last year it would pain me to see the Celtics doing so well, but...
- LAKERS LAKERS LAKERS!!! Off to a 6-3 start in a season which many thought would be pathetic and devoid of a man named Kobe Bryant, the Lakers have been one of the most pleasant surprises for a Lakers fan. A surprise comparable to if you actually got one of those Lexuses with a bow on top of it for Christmas. Not only has Kobe been playing fantastic, but the ensemble cast has shown it can hold its own. I finally got to catch my first glimpse of the Lakers on TV on Friday against Detroit, and they look pretty damn good. Walton's playing like he actually deserved that contract, some of the youngin's (Whose names I am yet to learn. Wait till winter break) are kicking major ass, and Ronny Turiaf is Mufasa. Unfortunately Kwame Brown is still on the team, but nobody's perfect. But Hey, they beat the Bulls tonight. So much for Kobe wanting to play there now! All we have to do is wait for the Lakers to realize it's the middle of the season and collapse back into place like the past two years.
- Some other teams probably won, but they either feature players on the verge of crying, Nazis, or Canadians on their teams.

Baseball:

- Mariano Rivera is back with the Yankees. Great Rivera, you're just going to delay Joba Chamberlain's rise to power another year or so. Way to be a douchepickle.
- Tom Glavine is coming full circle back to his happy days with the Braves. Unfortunately for him, he's washed up. Let's hope he doesn't have to retire midseason.

MLS:

- Houston Dynamo repeat as MLS champions. They beat the New England Revolution. I take back what I said about every team in the Boston area being the best at sports. Extra points for anyone who can tell me what a Dynamo is who isn't in engineering or a physicist.

NASCAR:

-Jimmie Johnson wins something. The only person who cares is Tim. Nerd.

What to be excited for this week:

- A pretty good matchup of Arizona State v. USC on Thursday. Both teams were on bye last week, and the Pac-10 title will pretty much be decided with this game.
- A not so funtastic matchup of Boise State v. Hawaii on Friday. In a year filled with Cinderella teams, there will be no BCS David v. Goliath story this time. Sorry Chris Peterson, we can't have it happen again.
- THANKSGIVING! Enjoy yourself a wonderful Madden Turducken!

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The Second Coming of Massachusetts

I really really really wish I lived in Massachusetts right now (and not just because of the state of affairs of the Golden Bears. That rhymes.) Not here in Massachusetts. I wish I lived in Boston. The public transportation system is fucking amazing there -- a foreign concept to an LA native. Dunkin Donuts are on every corner, and I love Dunkin Donuts. I could pahk my cah at havahd yahd (actually, I wouldn't have a car because CARS IN BOSTON ARE FUCKING INSANE). More importantly, because I lived in Boston, all my sports teams would be winning (I have yet to verify anything about the Boston Bruins because I infact still do not watch Hockey. This would lead to a greater increase in my personal well-being, and more importantly lots of partying everywhere. No, not that type of party. I'm talking about lots and lots of partying, with:
1. Dudes with awesome accents
2. Attractive women
3. Stephen King.

Unless I was number 2, I don't think I'd get to see the true "Jesuses" (or is the plural Jesi?) of Boston: their star athletes. With the success of the Patriots, the Red Sox, and Boston College, and the presumed success the Celtics will have as well, I have compiled a list of the top 10 Sports Superstars in (and around) Beantown right now. From 10-1, and in no affiliation with Bill Simmons, here we go:

10. Jonathan Papelbon - Even if you haven't seen him dominate over the past two years, most recently in game two of the World Series, watch this video.

9. Kevin Garnett - If I was posting this next week once basketball season had officially started, he'd be way higher up there (and maybe Paul Pierce and/or Ray Allen would make the list instead of the entirety of the Red Sox lineup). But as it stands, KG is ready to pwn the Atlantic division. The scariest man in recent NBA memory hated Minnesota (Sadly, it's one of the most hate filled states in the country?) and is gonna show the rest of the country what he can do in a viable market with teammates that aren't Latrell Sprewell.

8. The Boston Infield - They don't get much love because who really cares about defense that much. However, Youk is on pace for a beast of a performance in the postseason with all the hits and runs he's scoring (and he looks good for a gold glove, too). Pedroia is the leadoff man the Sox were looking for (and did you know he can hit?). And given their monstrous performances, Lowell, the Sox regular season RBI leader, looks lackluster compared to them. Fortunately that's offset by the useless Julio Lugo playing shortstop.

7(tie). Wally and Manny Ramirez - Since they exist in a symbiotic relationship, Manny and the Green Monster had to tie. Whether it's playing lackadaisical defense off it (like that laser to knock out Kenny Lofton in the ALCS) or hitting dingers over it (see ALDS game 2), Manny and Wally tend to get along pretty well. Let's hope that the Rockies win two more so we can see the two working it at Fenway again. Oh, And he's also leading the AL in AVG, Ribis and dingers this postseason (We need more preposterous synonyms for baseball statistics. Like Swipes. How about Whipers?)

. Randy Moss - He's ripping up the NFL by leading (before this Sunday's games) all wide receivers in touchdown catches and receiving yardage. If you took a gamble -- well, it's Randy Moss, so you knew last year was just kind of a fluke -- on him for your fantasy team, you are probably laughing at everyone in your league and having a plentiful amount of sex with hot women. Or maybe you're just scoffing at your opposition. Either one is respectable, although the term scoffing is far more hilarious.

4. Big Papi - Statistically speaking (swipes and whipers aside), Big Papi is in third for Boston this offseason behind Manny and the lumberjack (Stay tuned for a future post on the jobs sports players WOULD HAVE if they didn't play sports). But who really cares? If you are walking around Boston, who really wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis and scream "I'm your biggest fan!" (For that matter, who wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis in the first place? The man is a behemoth). The answer is Big Papi. And his postgame goggles in game 7 were far better than this teammate's.

These last three constitute the great Jesus triumvirate in the greater Massachusetts/Boston/New England area. So who are they?

3. Matt Ryan - If you aren't in college, you are asking yourself "Who/What the heck/hell/fuck is Matt Ryan?" No, he's not another weapon of the patriots. And no, I didn't go and look at the Boston Bruins to throw in a monkey wrench on this list (apologies to the Boston Bruins fans out there). And if Thursday night hadn't happened, then it would probably be just the next two. If you didn't read that recap, here's the quick summary: BC's down 0-10 with two minutes left. Matt Ryan marches the team down the field for a Heisman caliber touchdown drive. BC gets an onsides kick. Repeat step 1. BC wins 14-10, avoids being the 4th straight number 2 team to lose. In pulling for the upset, I found it very hard rooting for Ryan. But watching that drive, Matt Ryan showed the poise of Joe Montana, the arm of Dan Marino, and afterwards the stomach of a sorority girl after too many beers. And to top it all off, he even tackled one of his coaches after the play. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Heisman trophy winner.

2. Josh Beckett - He might not be the oldest pitcher on his team (Mike Timlin - 2381 years old). He might not have the largest arsenal (Dice-K, with 17.3 different pitches). And he might not be the best looking pitcher on his team (Paps). But he is the best pitcher on his team, and this offseason he's solidified why he's getting paid so much money to play in Beantown. More importantly though, this man is the most impressive postseason pitcher in recent memory, and let's hope we get to see him at least once more in this fall classic. Fox showed a graphic during game one with the best October pitchers stats for ERAs, K's, BB's and IPs, and since I was busy playing Halo on our other TV (yes, we have two TVs next to each other downstairs) I only really remember Sandy Koufax. He has a monstrous ERA of 1.20. He has 30 Innings pitched. He has 35 strikeouts. But the most impressive statistic by far? Through 30 Innings he's given up only TWO walks. Yes, I said TWO?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you serious Josh Beckett? GET OUT! (Now why can't the Dodgers sign a guy like him, instead of Jason Schmidt?)

1. Tom Brady - Ladies and gentlemen, the true lord of New England is Tom Brady. Ken and I have discussed many a time how much we wish our favorite sports teams were run like the Patriots. Incase you haven't realized how they do it, it goes like this:
1. Play through the season professionally and as successfully as possible.
2. Figure out what problems existed during that season.
3. Fix those problems.
So last year the Pats front office realized that Tom Brady should actually have some people to throw to. And what did they do? GOD FORBID, THEY GOT HIM RECEIVERS!!! Add it all up, and you've got Brady playing pitch and catch all around the country with Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth (I guess the three wise men to the Brady Jesus). Whenever a team is sucking, most people will blame the quarterback. But whenever a team is doing well, they usually will praise him. And folks, with every week being a step closer to that unthinkable perfect season, Tom Brady deserves all the praise in New England. Just look at this. Now look at his stats. And just think how much more he'll get if he can spank Peyton Manning in week 9.

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Rumor: Kobe cleans shit out of his locker (gets rid of gross smell that's been lingering)

The scoop I’m getting from my sources in Los Angeles (hopefully Ken can verify this) is that Kobe has cleaned out his locker. Here's a list of some of the major htings that're gone:
- Some Axe deodorant. Even Kobe uses that stuff.
- Some old ticket stubs from Shrek 2.
- A bus fare (who uses the bus in Los Angeles??!)
- Shoes that don’t fit anymore. HE GREW?!
- A "Guide to the Good Life" LA Edition
- The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
- A few old pizza boxes, presumably that he and Lamar Odom ate after the Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last May.
- Old photos of him and Shaq together, memories of when the Lakers were a "good team" that won "Championships."
- A half-eaten pink's hot dog.
- VHS cassette of 2000 Game 7 Western Conference Finals
- Unused Airline Tickets from this past summer to Chicago, Dallas, Phoenix, and Washington D.C.
- A bag of cocaine, apparently a gag gift to Vlade Divac which was never given.
- Sasha Vujajic.
- A douche.

Word has it that he’s finally shredded all those documents from the rape in Colorado case. I guess he’s finally found some other form of motivation to play well than the fact some girl wouldn’t want to have sex with Kobe.

“What do you think led me to score 81 points during that game against the Raptors? I just went back to the locker at halftime and read the legal ledger. Then when I came back out on the court, I shouted ‘WHO WOULDN’T HAVE SEX WITH ME!’ whenever I took a shot,” said Number 24.

Also missing from his locker is his Playstation2; Phil Jackson believes he’s replacing it with a Playstation3, since the cost just went down.

“Supposedly the graphics on the PS3 are a lot better than that on the PS2. Whatever…Kobe’ll just lose in NBA Live08 in really high definition,” said the Zen Master.

Personally, I have a hunch that, since he’ll be nearly $40 million dollars poorer when he opts out of the last two years on his contract, he’s going to go with the cheaper Wii.

Oh yeah, and he’s finally thrown out all his Laker shit. That includes commitments to the team, fans, and city, too. What a fucker.

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