It's not Baseball season...It's DUCK HUNTING SEASON

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: BARRY BONDS INDICTED! FACES 4 COUNTS OF PERJURY AND 1 COUNT OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. COULD FACE UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON!
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ SIGNS RECORD 10 YEAR CONTRACT WITH YANKEES WORTH 275 MILLION DOLLARS! INCENTIVES INCLUDED IF HE BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD!!!

Yet after watching Sportscenter for the 5th time this past night, I'm kind of tired of these stories (It's that point where I can repeat all the jokes Scott Van Pelt will make, and know what clips they're showing). Plus Ken beat me to the punch on the Barry Bonds indictment, and I'm still trying to formulate an angle on the ARod signing, but really hoping someone else does something. However, if you live on the east coast, then you might not have stayed up late enough to see the last bit of Thursday night's breaking news trifecta.

Yup, another fucking #2 ranked team fell for the umpteenth time during this college football season. And this time it was those retard ducks from Eugene. There are 14 weeks in the regular season. 5 different teams have fallen from the #2 ranking through 12 weeks, all to unranked opponents. Is it possible we can bump it up to 7 and go .500 for the season on #2 upsets?

I walked out Thursday afternoon for classes not able to catch the end of College Football Live when Robert Smith made his pick on the Oregon/Arizona game. I was hoping he'd have enough brains/testicular fortitude to go with Arizona, the team with a more impressive record in November than USC's 234,581-0 record under Pete Carroll. Arizona had gone 3 straight Novembers knocking off a ranked team. A shit school that's only good at basketball (I'm looking at you too, UCONN) has knocked teams out of the national picture, with Arizona State in 2004, UCLA in 2005, Washington State and Cal (gulp) in 2006. So what's to say they wouldn't do it for a 4th month? Well, besides Robert Smith and the majority of the country, both who didn't think this through though and picked Oregon. Congratulations idiots. You picked a team with history not on its side. And with a water fowl as its mascot.

All my doubts about the Arizona curse were practically assuaged after Oregon's opening drive. Dennis Dixon (an Iguana right down to the lips, teeth, tongue, and green suit) on 4th and 3 found a 6 lane freeway devoid of traffic to scamper on down into the endzone. But being the cocky douchebags that Oregon's team is -- remember how you lost to Cal? Yeah, look where we are now! -- they went for 2. On the OPENING PLAY! Where have we seen such skullduggery and full-on-wankery before?

Meanwhile Arizona looked like it has the other months, sucking it up and punting away, and Oregon was driving again looking like a #2 team. And that's when things started to crumble. Iguana-man was intercepted in the endzone (granted his receiver showed the same hands as Kwame Brown) which was eventually converted for a touchdown. This wasn't a real blow to the Ducks, but they would eventually end up the lame ducks (get it?!??!). On an option play Dixon decided to keep it and roll out left from the pocket, only to fall down untouched and crumple into a symbolic heap of crushed Heisman Trophy and BCS title dreams. Watch the replay. You can hear my roommate going "OUCH. He just destroyed his MCL. Happened to me once, and it killed me. He's gone."

It wasn't just the Reptile that was gone. That play literally caused Oregon to implode. If you were to write out the equation, it would look like this:

Team Centered Around Really Good Athlete - Really Good Athlete = Average Team at Best.

So without their offensive centerpiece, in came Brady Leaf (harbinger of mediocrity and interceptions...AKA not Heisman Frontrunner), and out came Antoine Cason and the Wildcats ready to rip out the hearts of the Ducks. Unfortunately the Oregon Ducks don't have hearts, so Arizona had to settle for an annihilation instead, taking a 17 point lead at the half and ultimately winning 34-24.

With Oregon's collapse, we're at 5 for fallen #2's. What's more distressing about that #2 statistic is that 3 of those 5 teams are in the Pac-10. And my Golden Bears are the only ones who are completely out of a BCS bid (sigh). ASU is in control of the Pac-10 title right now, but they've got Rudy Carpenter as QB. Translation: Fucked. When USC beats them, it'll launch Oregon back into the Rose Bowl bid if UO wins out. Translation: USC kinda Fucked (unless they can do this again). The only hope for USC is that Dennis Dixon is in fact dead or terminally ill, because that will mean a member of the Brady will have to play QB again. Translation: Anyone related to Ryan Leaf is genetically bad at sports related activities.

I feel bad because a Pac-10 team will no longer compete for the BCS national title. And I was going to enjoy saying "Hey look, Oregon lost to us. And my neighbor's Alex Mack!" Now I just get to go "Oregon sucks," while I pray to god that we don't see LSU v. Kansas in a national title game. However, this'll put Tim Tebow (aka that guy who makes every damn shot in beirut games) back into the Heisman race. Clearly with all those statistics he's accumulating, he deserves it over Dixon who's just had praise -- some deserved, most not -- heaped on him by analysts and ESPN everywhere. Sorry, stupid fucking Iguana.

Read More...

The Good, The Bad, and Cal

Los Angeles -- Southern California, for that matter -- is ACTUALLY burning. Never would've thought that crappy Tommy Lee Jones movie would ever become a reality. I went home this weekend and saw the fires firsthand (the airplane pilot decided to take a quick detour to fly us over them and see the smoke) and it was spooky. Hope everyone who’s reading this down there is okay. Fortunately for me, I am not in LA. Unfortunately for me, I am still not okay.

As a side note, before you read anymore, it's time for some shameless self-promotion. We've only been a blog going on 2+ weeks note, but check out this website (12th in the nation! Better than the Golden Bears can say). I'd appreciate it if you went and voted for us by going to the bottom of the right tool bar. Thanks a bunch!

Anyway, I'm emotionally scarred after the second straight loss to my Golden Bears. Ironically, I jokingly said earlier that Cal could go 0-4 before the USC game. Now I'm praying they at least go 2-2. But it would appear that the season is beyond repair. I could outline some of the scenarios to win the Pac-10 title, such as Cal winning out, Oregon losing at USC/ASU, ASU losing to Oregon/USC, and UCLA losing to Oregon/ASU/USC, along with the establishment of a free Palestinian state and the curing of cancer. The way this season is going, all of those are possible…but should Cal win out and be eligible for an At-Large BCS berth, they wouldn’t deserve it given their shitty performances these past two weeks.

The team still gets my support, since I’ve got two more sets of card stunts at the home games. But my explanation for the drop from 2 to 21 is Jordan Kay (Thanks for the irony, Daily Cal). He might not be Tom Schneider/Jesus, but he’s had two crucial field goals missed in losses to OSU and UCLA. Kevin Riley might run the clock out when Nate Longshore doesn’t, and Nate Longshore might throw interceptions when Kevin Riley doesn’t, but those easy three would’ve changed both losses. Oh please lord, grant Andrew Larson even more god-like kicking abilities. Allow him to kick field goals like he punts his 70+ yarders.

Fortunately, one of my teams is actually OWNING. The Red Sox are headed to their second World Series in three years. I am fucking excited, no way around it. As much as I liked Cleveland this year, it’s time for them to shave their beards and hit the road. That means you, Casey Blake. The comeback wasn’t as historic, but it’s giving the Sox some nice momentum for the WS, although it doesn’t match the Rockies momentum. That's equivalent to 1/λ = R (1/n₁² + 1/n₂²). Special thanks to dude in the dorm I was working at last night for supplying me with this equation...I still have no idea what it means.

Most entertaining ALCS player goes to Jonathan Papelbon, seen here doing his best impression of Godzilla/Jolly Green Giant (Green Monster, ah ha!). The man has all the qualities of a great closer: hilarious mannerisms (who can beat that stare?), a southern drawl, and fucking good stuff. In a close second was Big Papi, preparing for either a glorious champagne bath or his first swimming lesson. Everyone knows how silly this man is, but what other tricks does he have up his sleeves (which are huge)? I wouldn’t be surprised if he and the Boston pops perform Ode to Joy if they win the Series.

Let’s hope the World Series lasts for seven games. Because with the end of the Dodgers (I'm praying those Rockies don't win it, since that division will look even more better than it already does) and soon the Red Sox, Cal crashing faster than a Concorde, Tom Brady/Randy Moss and co. pwning the entire NFL, and Kobe still on the Lakers, I’ll soon have nothing. I just might start watching Hockey.

Read More...