Weekend Update

With no time to spare, since the weekend has already technically ended and I could be posting in detail on more things. Here's a quick look at all the sports-related incidents that happened over the past weekend that people care about.

College Football:

- #2 Oregon going down wasn't enough for you, College Football Gods? You just needed to have another top 5 fall? That's right, Oklahoma took another tumble to an unranked team this year (see Stupid Colorado Fans storm the Stupid Colorado field after Stupid Colorado's football team). This time it was Graham Harrell and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, located in good ole Lubbock Texas. Did you know Buddy Holly's from there (and my bud Jesse Tow)? Anyway, Oklahoma started off strong with a pretty sick INT return for a Touchdown, but unfortunately Sam Bradford got destroyed on his first play of the game after his tailback fumbled, and he wasn't able to return. Neither was Oklahoma, falling 34-27
- Kansas and Missouri both won, setting up a Big 12 showdown of #2 v. #4 (thanks a lot for ruining the consecutive numbers, WVU). It's a matchup with major national title implications. And people still don't care!
- Some dude on Ohio State named Chris Wells owned Michigan's defense, running all over them to lead his team to at least Pasadena with a 14-3 win. I would've caught the game only it started at 9 a.m. Pacific time. THANKS A LOT FOR FINISHING THE GAME BEFORE I WOKE UP, ASSHOLES.
- Cal continued to prove itself a force of ineptitude, this time fellating the Washington Huskies in a loss. In a game that featured the same clip of a floating bridge and Dan Fouts announcing, I came closer to suicide watching this on Saturday than I ever have in my life.
- LSU started a live tiger on offense to destroy its opponent.

Professional Football:

- After the most preposterous of field goal kicks was ruled "no-good," then changed to "good," then changed back to "WHO THE FUCK CARES THIS IS THE BROWNS v. RAVENS!!!" If you do care...the Browns ended up winning the game to go to 6-4.
- Brett Favre is old but still winning games. Remember when There's Something About Mary had just come out?
- All other NFL recaps of other teams are unnecessary this season because the New England Patriots are performing crimes against humanity in every game. Today they pooped all over the Buffalo Bills (without Marshawn Lynch, clearly the reason for their loss), scoring on 7 consecutive drives in the first half, eventually winning 56-10. Brady hooked up with Moss 4 times in the first half, their defense was solid throughout, and so they decided to just sit around and do Mad Libs for the rest of the game (Not Bill Belichick. He's incapable of laughter). Although it might not look like anything can stop them, history has shown us that sometimes things don't turn out as they should. With the 0-10 Dolphins on their schedule in the second to last week, we may see the marquee win Cam Cameron's been looking for this season. Also the first win he's been looking for. Or we might just see more pooping on other teams from New England.

Professional Basketball (Nothing to report yet on College Basketball except that Stanford got upset, which is always funny to a Cal fan):

- Much like their New England counterparts (you'll remember that every sports related thing in Boston has been going pretty damn well lately), the Boston Celtics are dominating the NBA. Whenever hot chicks are wearing your stuff again, your team is doing well. Unfortunately they suffered their first loss of the season Sunday night to Orlando, but to their credit it was only by two points. If this was last year it would pain me to see the Celtics doing so well, but...
- LAKERS LAKERS LAKERS!!! Off to a 6-3 start in a season which many thought would be pathetic and devoid of a man named Kobe Bryant, the Lakers have been one of the most pleasant surprises for a Lakers fan. A surprise comparable to if you actually got one of those Lexuses with a bow on top of it for Christmas. Not only has Kobe been playing fantastic, but the ensemble cast has shown it can hold its own. I finally got to catch my first glimpse of the Lakers on TV on Friday against Detroit, and they look pretty damn good. Walton's playing like he actually deserved that contract, some of the youngin's (Whose names I am yet to learn. Wait till winter break) are kicking major ass, and Ronny Turiaf is Mufasa. Unfortunately Kwame Brown is still on the team, but nobody's perfect. But Hey, they beat the Bulls tonight. So much for Kobe wanting to play there now! All we have to do is wait for the Lakers to realize it's the middle of the season and collapse back into place like the past two years.
- Some other teams probably won, but they either feature players on the verge of crying, Nazis, or Canadians on their teams.

Baseball:

- Mariano Rivera is back with the Yankees. Great Rivera, you're just going to delay Joba Chamberlain's rise to power another year or so. Way to be a douchepickle.
- Tom Glavine is coming full circle back to his happy days with the Braves. Unfortunately for him, he's washed up. Let's hope he doesn't have to retire midseason.

MLS:

- Houston Dynamo repeat as MLS champions. They beat the New England Revolution. I take back what I said about every team in the Boston area being the best at sports. Extra points for anyone who can tell me what a Dynamo is who isn't in engineering or a physicist.

NASCAR:

-Jimmie Johnson wins something. The only person who cares is Tim. Nerd.

What to be excited for this week:

- A pretty good matchup of Arizona State v. USC on Thursday. Both teams were on bye last week, and the Pac-10 title will pretty much be decided with this game.
- A not so funtastic matchup of Boise State v. Hawaii on Friday. In a year filled with Cinderella teams, there will be no BCS David v. Goliath story this time. Sorry Chris Peterson, we can't have it happen again.
- THANKSGIVING! Enjoy yourself a wonderful Madden Turducken!

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Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! BEAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Joe Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

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I said College Football, not Rationality!

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Why Am I Doing This? Pt. 2 (or 10 Things I Learned On Saturday)

So I thought I was gonna write this post on Saturday night, but I’ve been so tired that I’ve need Saturday night, all of Sunday, and then the majority of today to recharge the batteries and get back to normal.

For those of you that aren’t privy to the content of this post, I mentioned on Friday night that I was planning to get up at 4:45am Saturday morning and go to Ye Olde King’s Head, a traditional British pub, to watch the Arsenal vs. Man U game, and then come back to USC for our homecoming game against Oregon State.

Luckily, I’ve survived both the half-asleep drive to Santa Monica and the rowdy Brits, and am here to share 10 things I learned on Saturday.

10. California is in the worst time zone in the world if you’re an English Premier League fan.I love being able to wake up on Saturdays and turn on the TV to see moderately interesting games already in the second half. Additionally, I love being able to watch Monday Night Football and then go grab dinner afterwards. I love the fact that during the NHL playoffs, no matter how many overtimes a game goes, I will be able to watch it until the very end and still be able to get plenty of sleep for classes the next morning. However, I do not enjoy waking up at 4:45am. That’s just bullshit. Most of my friends were coming back from parties at the same time I was waking up to head out for the game.

9. College makes everything acceptable.

So I go to my friend’s frat to tailgate for the football (not futbol) game, and his parents happen to be there. It was really awkward because I wanted to have a few drinks, but I know his parents and his parents know my parents and in general that’s awkward. But then his dad kept trying to get me and the girls I was with drunk…alright, well then game on I guess. I had a beer with his parents, while my friend played a round of Louisville Chugger in front of them.

8. Sometimes tying feels just as good as winning.

After a very close and exciting game, Man U pulled out to a 2-1 lead in the 86th minute, and then proceeded to do a very good job of playing keep-away. They had all but sealed up three points on Arsenal’s turf, and all the Red Devil fans at the pub were starting to celebrate the win, when a clusterfuck to the net (SEVEN ARSENAL PLAYERS IN THE MAN U BOX!) gave William Gallas an opportunity for redemption, which he seized to tie the game. Gallas, who earlier had a Man U shot deflect off of his hand into the net to put his team down 1-0, delivered a powerful strike that Man U keeper Edwin Van Der Saar successfully blocked and deflected away during the 93rd minute. Unfortunately for Man U, Van Der Saar and the ball he knocked away were both very clearly across the goal line, which means count it. Boo-yah! My buddy and I practically skipped out of the pub because we were so happy with the draw, while all of the Man U fans sulked.

7. Sometimes watching the opposing quarterback get his face shoved into the ground nine times feels just as good as scoring a touchdown.

Okay so the Trojan offensive looked sick during the second quarter, raping and pillaging in the manner that they were supposed to be doing all season, but other than that they look fairly lackadaisical and average. However, USC’s ridiculous defense and stud true-freshman freak of nature Everson Griffen (affectionately known as "The E-Train") more than made up for the lack of offensive firepower by registering nine sacks, several on third down situations. Griffen alone had 3.5 sacks and in general looked like a man on a mission. It is going to be fun watching him develop.

6. Arsenal has a lot of heart.
I was very impressed by the Gunners’ resiliency and mental composure after falling behind twice to a very good Man U team. Additionally, they could have easily given up and conceded defeat as extra time was winding to a close, but instead the young team kept fighting and kept pounding until they tied the game up. Furthermore, the leader of this team, 20 year-old Cesc Fabregas, is already one of the best players in all of EPL and is getting better every game. In 15 games for Arsenal in all matches this season, Fabregas has 11 goals and 9 assists. Additionally, he earned huge style points for responding to the yellow card he received by trash-talking with the Man U player he fouled and mimicking his diving for the next two minutes. What a guy.

5. USC (and frat row in particular) looks like a ghost town at 8am on the weekend.

The girls on the soccer team were starting to practice at the field across from my dorm, but other than that I don’t think I saw a single living soul until like 10am. To be fair, were it not for the soccer game, I wouldn’t have woken up until around noon myself.

4. It’s okay to be a dirty ho at a football game, as long as you’re a clever dirty ho.
This fellow USC student had one of the classiest shirts I have every seen in my entire life. For the game between the USC Trojans and the Oregon State Beavers, this girl wrote in sharpie on the back of her shirt, “At least my beaver likes to get pounded by Trojans.” Bravo ma’am. You do your university proud. I expect to see you in the next TV ad USC makes.

3. 6am is apparently as good a time as any for a pint of Guinness.

Okay, so I’m not a Brit, nor a frat guy, nor an alcoholic, so I might be speaking as an odd man out here, but why in God’s name would drinking a very thick, dark beer at 6am be a good idea? When the game was starting up, a waitress came around and basically got every single person in the pub a cup of coffee. The next time around, a few people ordered some breakfast, a few people like myself simply got another cup of coffee, but a surprising number of people started ordering pints. And then started ordering a second round of pints. And then a third. And so on. Uggggggggggggg. Just thinking about drinking that much Guinness that early in the morning is making me feel sick. Speaking of which…

2. Mexican food, 3 cups of coffee, a Philly Cheesesteak, beer, and Panda Express do not mix well.
Woof. I had Chano’s for dinner, coffee during the soccer game, a Philly Cheesesteak from the Pantry for lunch, beer before the football game, and Panda for dinner. I was not a happy camper. Imagine if I had gone to a party and drank more that night like I initially planned to until I basically fell asleep watching Sports Center. Anyway, word to the wise, the aforementioned ingredients plus lots of jumping and screaming equal vomit. Luckily, I knew this equation from my chemistry class in high school and knew to limit my consumption. Additionally, imagine if I ate a ghetto dog (bacon-wrapped hot dogs cooked in shopping carts by various illegal street vendors that can be found all over USC after football games) on the way back from the football game. It would mean the worst.

1. I am going to Ye Olde King's Head for every big soccer game for the rest of the season.

Yeah, it sucked to wake up that early. Yeah, I felt sick and was tired as shit for the rest of the weekend. Yeah, it prevented me from going to parties on both Friday and Saturday night. But it was 100% completely worth it. Absolutely without a doubt the best environment to watch a soccer game in. The pub was electric. People were constantly cheering and booing, as well as jeering at opposing fans. The fans all knew their shit, and were all very committed and loyal fans. It just felt right. And as great as it is to be sitting in your room wrapped up in a blanket watching your team play, it doesn’t come close to the sheer exhilaration of an entire pub going ape-shit because your team tied the game with under a minute to play in the game.

P.S.
If any of you are looking to buy me a Chanukah gift and don’t know what to get, a Starbucks card might be a good idea because I’m going to be needing a lot of caffeine for the rest of the year to get me awake for all of these games.

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Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Hockey is my first love. As amazing as the Hunt for October in baseball, March Madness in basketball, or the bowl games of New Year's Day in college football are, nothing beats a few Canadians smacking around vulcanized rubber for 60 minutes.

My love for hockey was sealed during the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals. I was 4 going on 5 and was just starting to get into sports for real. The LA Kings had just finished a classic seven game series against the Toronto Maple Leafs and were all set to play the Montreal Canadiens. The Kings took game 1 and were poised to take a 2-0 series lead heading back to Los Angeles when Marty McSorley's stick was determined to have an illegally large curve on it with just a few minutes left in the game. Montreal scored on the ensuing powerplay and used the momentum to win the series and the Stanley Cup. The Kings have never been past the second round since. Watching that game, as heartbreaking as it was for me, sealed my love of hockey and sports in general.

Fast forward to now. I'm in college. My friends are in college. I go to a school close to home in my favorite city in the world, I'm getting an amazing education, I have so many opportunities for me, and I get to root for one of the best football teams in the nation. And yet something is still missing. Oh yeah, this. I want that. I'll take double the classes and fly back and forth between Oxford, Ohio and LA if I can get in on that. Unfortunately for me, USC, unlike Miami (Ohio), does not have the #2 ice hockey team in the nation.

But!

That doesn't mean I still can't watch college hockey.

Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Last year I went to the Pac-8 (Arizona and Oregon State: get your shit together) Ice Hockey Championship in El Segundo. USC played the powerhouse (at least as close as you can get to being a powerhouse team in the Pac-8) Oregon Ducks in the finals. Quite a game, and surprisingly quality hockey. The second period ended early in order to sort out the over 10 penalties assessed in a three minute span. USC tied the game with a pulled goalie under a minute left in the 3rd period, and then won it in overtime. Pretty fucking rad if you're a Trojan.

Anyway, so I found out last night that USC was playing a hockey game against our favorite school in the whole wide world, those lovable Bruins of UCLA. Even better, I found out that the game was literally down the street from where my dorm is: Staples Center. My reaction was obviously (and only a few of you will understand what I mean by this): GATOR!

So me and my friends grab our sweatshirts (second time I've had to wear a sweatshirt all year long) and headed to the game just after the Kings game at Staples Center finished. We get to Staples only to find that we are not allowed in to watch the game. You have to have attended the game and then stayed for the USC/UCLA game afterwards (which we knew was total bullshit because my friend Cornelia was at the game and she was at her sorority during the Kings game and thus obviously didn't attend).

We refused to take no for an answer and ended up getting the ticket stubs to the Kings game from people leaving the stadium, and then tried to get in with those. That didn't work. Being the clever and cunning students we are, we then went to a door where there were no security guards and snuck into Staples Center. I know, my account of getting into the game is not on par with Tim's descriptions of lines around the stadium waiting to get in, but I bet he never had to deal with panhandling for ticket stubs to a game that had just finished.

Anyway, so we get in and though the place wasn't packed or anything, there was a decent crowd for both teams considering the game was at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night off campus and was poorly advertised.

One weird thing we learned at the game: this game at Staples Center was a home game for UCLA. For those of you not familiar with Los Angeles geography, let's review: USC to Staples, and UCLA to Staples (fyi Mapquest does not factor in the ridiculous traffic associated with driving from Westwood to Downtown). So where is USC's home ice? The Anaheim Ice Center, 30 miles southeast of USC. Don't worry, I'm sure the made sense at the time.
Regardless of who's home game it was, the crowd was about 60-40 Trojans. Both sides were loud and raucous, and in general the game was a lot of fun. Bruin fans were constantly doing the 8-Clap (out of time for the most part) and Trojan fans did the SoCal Spell-Out after every goal (also out of time for the most part). There was jeering back and forth, and it felt just like any other USC/UCLA rivalry game (although I will say that the USC/UCLA blasian dance-off was by far the most intense).

The only thing that was unfortunate was the quality of play. USC and UCLA are club teams and were playing their 6th and 5th games of the season respectively. Since they're club teams, they don't get to really practice during the off-season, and I wouldn't be surprised if most of the players got very few opportunities to ever get on the ice during the summer. As a result, both teams were sloppy with their stick-handling, shots, and passing, but showed flashes of brilliance with their vision on the ice. The team will significantly improve as the season goes on, if last year is any indication for the Trojans. They started 5-6 before finishing 16-6-1 and winning the Pac-8 Championships.

The actual game itself was intense. UCLA had an early 2-1 lead, but USC bounced back with three unanswered goals. The Bruins pulled within one, but USC scored again to make it 5-3. The Trojans then killed off a 1:45 two-man advantage for the Bruins. As the third period drew to a close, the Bruins scored to once again make it a one goal game. They then drew a penalty and pulled their goalie with under a minute remaining, but USC, thanks to some amazing defense, managed to hold onto the lead and win the game 5-4, much to the dismay of the UCLA fans that took a bus from campus to Staples Center.

If you go to USC, UCLA, or any other school in the Pac-8 (Beavers and Wildcats be damned), go and watch your hockey team. It's a lot of fun and these guys are literally your average students. They aren't on scholarship, they don't get special benefits, they weren't recruited. They got in to your school just like you, they take the same classes as you, and just happen to play hockey.

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An Open Letter to My Fellow Trojans

Dear Fellow Trojans,
I come before you today just three days removed from one of the biggest upsets in college football history, and unfortunately my beloved Trojans were on the wrong side of it. Watching the football team not show up to a gimme game like a home game against Stanford was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And now it is the second most disgusting thing I've ever seen. (Okay that's not really what I was referring to, but that shit is still gross.)

What I am referring to is the fact that since our loss on Saturday, I have watch USC turn into Salem, MA. And no, not because we've all of a sudden developed a "rich maritime heritage". (Also, I am the only one that gets some sort of strange acid-trip effect when scrolling on the Salem website? Please contact me immediately so that I don't spend tonight under my bed in some sort of hypochondriatic fear.) I have watched students, teachers, administrators, janitors, librarians and this random homeless guy that was wandering around nearby my dorm all point fingers at the culprit that caused USC to lose. "We're too good! There must have been a spy among us that gave the Cardinal our signals and signs!" (Yeah because the fucking hang loose sign wasn't obvious or anything last year. Seriously, JDB? I know you're from Loo-EE-zee-ana and are trying to fit in with us beach bums out here in LA, but no one does that here. Ever.)

Well, sorry folks, but I'm here to tell you the sad and unfortunate truth that none of you want to hear. John David Booty is not the antichrist. Though he played a pretty awful game, he is not solely responsible for the loss. (To be fair, the entire second half was with a broken finger on his throwing hand, and when was the last time you did anything with a broken finger besides pout and whine?) I understand, QB's get all the praise and all the blame, Booty shouldn't get the blame for this loss, just like he shouldn't have been praised as a Heisman candidate at the beginning of the year. Booty's no Leinart, he's no Palmer, and he might not even be a Matt Cassel, but that doesn't mean students should be burning effigies of him out in Hahn Plaza because THE TEAM lost a game. Football's a complex sport, and while certain individuals that have been preordained by god to have magical powers can be a one-man wrecking crew, most teams need eleven guys on the field executing their assigned tasks. Compare and contrast what happens when everybody is doing their job and when nobody is doing their job.

I wanted to actually kill this moron at the football game that started shouting, "Put Sanchez in!" during the first quarter after a wide open Patrick Turner dropped a pass that hit him in the numbers. Brilliant! Put in a quarterback that has failed to pass for a single touchdown and is a total of 5 for 10 on pass attempts during his career (which has been almost entirely against second string defenses I might add) into the game because it's JD's fault that Turner and the rest of the wide receiving corps look like they're trying to catch pianos filled with molten lead. Put Sanchez in because that same O-Line that made JD a Heisman candidate is now about as porous as one particular part of Paris Hilton's body. (In other news, I'm a nerd.)

There are a variety of people, factors, and intervening circumstances that share the blame for the loss on Saturday. However, we as the human race are far too simplistic to accept such a mature and complex answer, we only have the attention span to demonize one person. (Additionally, it is extremely hard to design an effective effigy for "injuries to the offensive line" or "lack of mental preparedness for the game".)

So, my fellow Trojans, who is the one person that is responsible for the loss? God. God has forsaken us. That is why in one play, a lightning bolt came down from the sky and smote two of our offensive linemen. (1. Get well soon Kris O'Dowd! 2. I'm not 100% if it was a lightning bolt, I wasn't paying that much attention at the time.) That is why God managed to take 10 studs at tailback and yet somehow put us in a position against Stanford where Chauncey Washington was the only good RB we could use (not that he played that well either). That is why God took a phenomenal player like Josh Pinkard that would have helped us prevent some of those huge plays by Stanford (4th & 20?!) and gave him a season-ending injury...for the second year in a row. That is why Notre Dame finally won a game this season. (Honestly, how fucking lucky did ND get that Drew Olsen got injured and his backup happened to also be injured?)

So there you go. Feel free to flash JDB a friendly fight on sign when you see him around on campus because he is not the sole cause of your misery this week. But in the odd case that you run into God on campus, you have bigger things to worry about than football because it's probably a sign that the rapture is coming or something. I need to get to synagogue ASAP.

Your friend,

Ken of Troy

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Thank God for Bye Weeks

I spent three dollars last weekend washing the stains out of my pants. Oklahoma lost to Colorado. Texas lost to Kansas State. West Virginia lost to USF. And Cal/Oregon was too much to handle (speaking of too much to handle, my lunch that day...actually, you don't need to hear that). So when I realized that my Golden Bears were going to be ranked third in the nation -- their highest ranking since the 1950s, when our coach's nickname was PAPPY (note how he looks like your gran'pappy) -- I think you can connect the dots to how I'm three dollars poorer.

But College Football 2007, codenamed Project Mayhem, didn't stop there. The upsets continued to pile up like bad drivers on the 405 with Wisconsin (but seriously, that should've happened a while ago) losing to Illinois, Kentucky to South Carolina, UCLA TO NOTRE DAME (in a bout for the title of "who is the more overrated coach"), and Georgia to Tennessee. When not one of the 21-25 team maintain their spot in the AP poll after one week, you know something's wrong with the season.

But nothing was more tragic this past weekend than USC's fall.



As you know, I'm a Golden Bear, and an ardent supporter of my team. I take pride knowing that my neighbor Alex Mack and the rest of the Offensive Line are one of the best in the country, and one of the key reasons we're currently ranked number 2 in the nation. But USC's tumble this past weekend was one of the worst things I could have seen. Sure, Jeff Tedford's Bears have played the Wes Mantooth, while Pete Carroll's Trojans year in and year out assume the role of Ron Burgundy, but too many things are wrong here. USC lost to the same Stanford that won 1 game last year in the Coliseum -- ironically the last school to beat them at home, though 35 games and 6 years ago. John David Booty just crumbled during the game, throwing four picks and ending his Heisman campaign -- although it was a bad weekend for lots of quarterbacks, from Andre Woodson to Brett Favre to Tony Romo. And Tailback U, with more running backs than I have fingers (no, it's just 10), was held to less than 100 yards rushing. At times like this, any self-respecting human being has to sit back and ask himself "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?"

So this has me spinning in circles. Appalachian State is a distant memory. Syracuse over Louisville is but dust in the wind. Cal's arch-nemesis Stanford has toppled the Pac-10 giant (for the time being), and for the first time since I can remember, Cal is ahead of USC in the AP poll. I should be enjoying the limelight, because ESPN is finally forced to give us our dues. We've played well when we were in the spotlight against Tennessee, and stunned all the critics with the win at Oregon (Cal must to build a statue of Marcus Ezeff in Sproul Plaza). But I'm scared. This season is bat-shit insanity, and if USC falls, what's to stop Cal from losing four straight to Oregon State, UCLA, Arizona State, and Washington State before playing USC on Nov. 10 (well, Karl Dorrell, since he's still coaching UCLA)? November 10 was supposed to be the circled matchup on my calendar. The Battle of the Unbeatens. Now? Not so much.

Now I'm also looking ahead to December 1. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm scared of how my Bears will play against a tree.

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