WHAT THE FUCK BELANIE!

Fuck Trees. Fuck the color red. And Fuck Stanford. Every year Cal plays Stanford. And in the midst of a 5-game winning streak, most current Berkeleyians simply look at the last game on the calendar and write it off as an easy win. However, in a season where winning went from easy to impossible, I sat watching the Big Game and felt that punching myself in the ballsack repeatedly would be less painful.

Before the game I'd lost all effective interest in college football, after all umpteenth upsets during the season. Sure, it was the 25th anniversary of the greatest feat in football history, but since the game was at Stanford the douchebag announcers discounted the entire event suggesting that there were "forward laterals." Really? Well you work for Versus network. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry for anyone who watched the game on television. First off, because both teams legitimately played awful (Alex Mack still owns though). Second, because Versus is a terrible network (you'll notice how there wasn't a first down line on the field half the time, let alone the down and yardage information). Third, because Nate Longshore was QBing. This picture is indicative of what Cal endures.

Some interesting stats for the game (all Cal related, because i don't care about Stanford's and I'm not going to look up the specifics):
- 252 total yards in the first half. 7 in the third quarter.
- 2,613 penalties for infinity yards.
- 2 INTs, both (surprisingly) in the 4th quarter.

So Longshore's 4th quarter numbers continue to impress. 1 TD, 14 INTs. He almost looked like he would drive us in for a tie, but when has he ever. I'm going to write Jeff Tedford with my sterling advice that I've been preaching all year, and hopefully it'll get through that ~2.5 million dollar a year salary of his. Please Coach, GIVE KEVIN RILEY A CHANCE!

Read More...

It's not Baseball season...It's DUCK HUNTING SEASON

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: BARRY BONDS INDICTED! FACES 4 COUNTS OF PERJURY AND 1 COUNT OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. COULD FACE UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON!
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ SIGNS RECORD 10 YEAR CONTRACT WITH YANKEES WORTH 275 MILLION DOLLARS! INCENTIVES INCLUDED IF HE BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD!!!

Yet after watching Sportscenter for the 5th time this past night, I'm kind of tired of these stories (It's that point where I can repeat all the jokes Scott Van Pelt will make, and know what clips they're showing). Plus Ken beat me to the punch on the Barry Bonds indictment, and I'm still trying to formulate an angle on the ARod signing, but really hoping someone else does something. However, if you live on the east coast, then you might not have stayed up late enough to see the last bit of Thursday night's breaking news trifecta.

Yup, another fucking #2 ranked team fell for the umpteenth time during this college football season. And this time it was those retard ducks from Eugene. There are 14 weeks in the regular season. 5 different teams have fallen from the #2 ranking through 12 weeks, all to unranked opponents. Is it possible we can bump it up to 7 and go .500 for the season on #2 upsets?

I walked out Thursday afternoon for classes not able to catch the end of College Football Live when Robert Smith made his pick on the Oregon/Arizona game. I was hoping he'd have enough brains/testicular fortitude to go with Arizona, the team with a more impressive record in November than USC's 234,581-0 record under Pete Carroll. Arizona had gone 3 straight Novembers knocking off a ranked team. A shit school that's only good at basketball (I'm looking at you too, UCONN) has knocked teams out of the national picture, with Arizona State in 2004, UCLA in 2005, Washington State and Cal (gulp) in 2006. So what's to say they wouldn't do it for a 4th month? Well, besides Robert Smith and the majority of the country, both who didn't think this through though and picked Oregon. Congratulations idiots. You picked a team with history not on its side. And with a water fowl as its mascot.

All my doubts about the Arizona curse were practically assuaged after Oregon's opening drive. Dennis Dixon (an Iguana right down to the lips, teeth, tongue, and green suit) on 4th and 3 found a 6 lane freeway devoid of traffic to scamper on down into the endzone. But being the cocky douchebags that Oregon's team is -- remember how you lost to Cal? Yeah, look where we are now! -- they went for 2. On the OPENING PLAY! Where have we seen such skullduggery and full-on-wankery before?

Meanwhile Arizona looked like it has the other months, sucking it up and punting away, and Oregon was driving again looking like a #2 team. And that's when things started to crumble. Iguana-man was intercepted in the endzone (granted his receiver showed the same hands as Kwame Brown) which was eventually converted for a touchdown. This wasn't a real blow to the Ducks, but they would eventually end up the lame ducks (get it?!??!). On an option play Dixon decided to keep it and roll out left from the pocket, only to fall down untouched and crumple into a symbolic heap of crushed Heisman Trophy and BCS title dreams. Watch the replay. You can hear my roommate going "OUCH. He just destroyed his MCL. Happened to me once, and it killed me. He's gone."

It wasn't just the Reptile that was gone. That play literally caused Oregon to implode. If you were to write out the equation, it would look like this:

Team Centered Around Really Good Athlete - Really Good Athlete = Average Team at Best.

So without their offensive centerpiece, in came Brady Leaf (harbinger of mediocrity and interceptions...AKA not Heisman Frontrunner), and out came Antoine Cason and the Wildcats ready to rip out the hearts of the Ducks. Unfortunately the Oregon Ducks don't have hearts, so Arizona had to settle for an annihilation instead, taking a 17 point lead at the half and ultimately winning 34-24.

With Oregon's collapse, we're at 5 for fallen #2's. What's more distressing about that #2 statistic is that 3 of those 5 teams are in the Pac-10. And my Golden Bears are the only ones who are completely out of a BCS bid (sigh). ASU is in control of the Pac-10 title right now, but they've got Rudy Carpenter as QB. Translation: Fucked. When USC beats them, it'll launch Oregon back into the Rose Bowl bid if UO wins out. Translation: USC kinda Fucked (unless they can do this again). The only hope for USC is that Dennis Dixon is in fact dead or terminally ill, because that will mean a member of the Brady will have to play QB again. Translation: Anyone related to Ryan Leaf is genetically bad at sports related activities.

I feel bad because a Pac-10 team will no longer compete for the BCS national title. And I was going to enjoy saying "Hey look, Oregon lost to us. And my neighbor's Alex Mack!" Now I just get to go "Oregon sucks," while I pray to god that we don't see LSU v. Kansas in a national title game. However, this'll put Tim Tebow (aka that guy who makes every damn shot in beirut games) back into the Heisman race. Clearly with all those statistics he's accumulating, he deserves it over Dixon who's just had praise -- some deserved, most not -- heaped on him by analysts and ESPN everywhere. Sorry, stupid fucking Iguana.

Read More...

Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! BEAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Joe Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

Read More...

Thank God for Bye Weeks

I spent three dollars last weekend washing the stains out of my pants. Oklahoma lost to Colorado. Texas lost to Kansas State. West Virginia lost to USF. And Cal/Oregon was too much to handle (speaking of too much to handle, my lunch that day...actually, you don't need to hear that). So when I realized that my Golden Bears were going to be ranked third in the nation -- their highest ranking since the 1950s, when our coach's nickname was PAPPY (note how he looks like your gran'pappy) -- I think you can connect the dots to how I'm three dollars poorer.

But College Football 2007, codenamed Project Mayhem, didn't stop there. The upsets continued to pile up like bad drivers on the 405 with Wisconsin (but seriously, that should've happened a while ago) losing to Illinois, Kentucky to South Carolina, UCLA TO NOTRE DAME (in a bout for the title of "who is the more overrated coach"), and Georgia to Tennessee. When not one of the 21-25 team maintain their spot in the AP poll after one week, you know something's wrong with the season.

But nothing was more tragic this past weekend than USC's fall.



As you know, I'm a Golden Bear, and an ardent supporter of my team. I take pride knowing that my neighbor Alex Mack and the rest of the Offensive Line are one of the best in the country, and one of the key reasons we're currently ranked number 2 in the nation. But USC's tumble this past weekend was one of the worst things I could have seen. Sure, Jeff Tedford's Bears have played the Wes Mantooth, while Pete Carroll's Trojans year in and year out assume the role of Ron Burgundy, but too many things are wrong here. USC lost to the same Stanford that won 1 game last year in the Coliseum -- ironically the last school to beat them at home, though 35 games and 6 years ago. John David Booty just crumbled during the game, throwing four picks and ending his Heisman campaign -- although it was a bad weekend for lots of quarterbacks, from Andre Woodson to Brett Favre to Tony Romo. And Tailback U, with more running backs than I have fingers (no, it's just 10), was held to less than 100 yards rushing. At times like this, any self-respecting human being has to sit back and ask himself "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?"

So this has me spinning in circles. Appalachian State is a distant memory. Syracuse over Louisville is but dust in the wind. Cal's arch-nemesis Stanford has toppled the Pac-10 giant (for the time being), and for the first time since I can remember, Cal is ahead of USC in the AP poll. I should be enjoying the limelight, because ESPN is finally forced to give us our dues. We've played well when we were in the spotlight against Tennessee, and stunned all the critics with the win at Oregon (Cal must to build a statue of Marcus Ezeff in Sproul Plaza). But I'm scared. This season is bat-shit insanity, and if USC falls, what's to stop Cal from losing four straight to Oregon State, UCLA, Arizona State, and Washington State before playing USC on Nov. 10 (well, Karl Dorrell, since he's still coaching UCLA)? November 10 was supposed to be the circled matchup on my calendar. The Battle of the Unbeatens. Now? Not so much.

Now I'm also looking ahead to December 1. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm scared of how my Bears will play against a tree.

Read More...