Who the fuck okayed this?

Let me start this post off with two statements:
1. I loved Seinfeld. It was one of the most brilliant shows in television history, and the writers are geniuses.
2. I didn't watch the NLCS because it was boooooooooooooooooooring. Except for the part where the Diamondback fans politely disagreed with a call for eight minutes. Video here. Does posting about something that is not even tangentially related to sports make me a bad sports blogger? No it doesn't. Who's the one with the blog here, asshole? Me and not you.

That being said, how many people does it take to ruin a glorious evening of My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock and the Office?
Two. One moronic television executive and one comedian that is apparently not making enough money off of royalties.

Every thirty or forty seconds during that two-hour span of television, I got an awesome sneak peak at the new Jerry Seinfeld film, Bee Movie sponsored by Ford! How efficient is America?We've developed the technology to show two commercials AT THE SAME TIME! Germans don't hold a candle to us. USA! USA! USA!

Okay so let's start out here. There are three horribly egregious and incredibly unkosher things about this.

1. Bees? Was Antz not enough of a hard-hitting movie? Who gives a shit about bees? Additionally, from the 98 previews I saw for it while watching TV tonight, it appears that this new movie is promoting a pro-bee propaganda and completely misrepresenting the dark truth about bees. I feel bad for the animators that had to do research for this film.

2. Jerry Seinfeld, what the fuck happened to you? How did you go from this to this? Where have you gone Jerry Seinfeld? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. What's that you say Larry David? Joltin' Little Jerry has left and gone away.

3. It wasn't enough have a bunch of long, annoying commercials for this crappy movie during the Office, NBC had to have the Bee Movie commercials advertised by ANOTHER COMPANY? Fuck this. I hate capitalism.

My roommate Ian pointed out that there is one minute possibility of this movie being moderately funny: If "B Movie" was a two hour inside joke about how the careers of Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zelwigger (probably not spelled right, but I don't care. come talk to me when you become a half-way decent actress) have gone into the shitter and are forced to do B films.

If Seinfeld wanted back onto TV and into the hearts and minds of the American viewers, then maybe Jack Donaghy had the right idea in mind...

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An Open Letter to My Fellow Trojans

Dear Fellow Trojans,
I come before you today just three days removed from one of the biggest upsets in college football history, and unfortunately my beloved Trojans were on the wrong side of it. Watching the football team not show up to a gimme game like a home game against Stanford was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And now it is the second most disgusting thing I've ever seen. (Okay that's not really what I was referring to, but that shit is still gross.)

What I am referring to is the fact that since our loss on Saturday, I have watch USC turn into Salem, MA. And no, not because we've all of a sudden developed a "rich maritime heritage". (Also, I am the only one that gets some sort of strange acid-trip effect when scrolling on the Salem website? Please contact me immediately so that I don't spend tonight under my bed in some sort of hypochondriatic fear.) I have watched students, teachers, administrators, janitors, librarians and this random homeless guy that was wandering around nearby my dorm all point fingers at the culprit that caused USC to lose. "We're too good! There must have been a spy among us that gave the Cardinal our signals and signs!" (Yeah because the fucking hang loose sign wasn't obvious or anything last year. Seriously, JDB? I know you're from Loo-EE-zee-ana and are trying to fit in with us beach bums out here in LA, but no one does that here. Ever.)

Well, sorry folks, but I'm here to tell you the sad and unfortunate truth that none of you want to hear. John David Booty is not the antichrist. Though he played a pretty awful game, he is not solely responsible for the loss. (To be fair, the entire second half was with a broken finger on his throwing hand, and when was the last time you did anything with a broken finger besides pout and whine?) I understand, QB's get all the praise and all the blame, Booty shouldn't get the blame for this loss, just like he shouldn't have been praised as a Heisman candidate at the beginning of the year. Booty's no Leinart, he's no Palmer, and he might not even be a Matt Cassel, but that doesn't mean students should be burning effigies of him out in Hahn Plaza because THE TEAM lost a game. Football's a complex sport, and while certain individuals that have been preordained by god to have magical powers can be a one-man wrecking crew, most teams need eleven guys on the field executing their assigned tasks. Compare and contrast what happens when everybody is doing their job and when nobody is doing their job.

I wanted to actually kill this moron at the football game that started shouting, "Put Sanchez in!" during the first quarter after a wide open Patrick Turner dropped a pass that hit him in the numbers. Brilliant! Put in a quarterback that has failed to pass for a single touchdown and is a total of 5 for 10 on pass attempts during his career (which has been almost entirely against second string defenses I might add) into the game because it's JD's fault that Turner and the rest of the wide receiving corps look like they're trying to catch pianos filled with molten lead. Put Sanchez in because that same O-Line that made JD a Heisman candidate is now about as porous as one particular part of Paris Hilton's body. (In other news, I'm a nerd.)

There are a variety of people, factors, and intervening circumstances that share the blame for the loss on Saturday. However, we as the human race are far too simplistic to accept such a mature and complex answer, we only have the attention span to demonize one person. (Additionally, it is extremely hard to design an effective effigy for "injuries to the offensive line" or "lack of mental preparedness for the game".)

So, my fellow Trojans, who is the one person that is responsible for the loss? God. God has forsaken us. That is why in one play, a lightning bolt came down from the sky and smote two of our offensive linemen. (1. Get well soon Kris O'Dowd! 2. I'm not 100% if it was a lightning bolt, I wasn't paying that much attention at the time.) That is why God managed to take 10 studs at tailback and yet somehow put us in a position against Stanford where Chauncey Washington was the only good RB we could use (not that he played that well either). That is why God took a phenomenal player like Josh Pinkard that would have helped us prevent some of those huge plays by Stanford (4th & 20?!) and gave him a season-ending injury...for the second year in a row. That is why Notre Dame finally won a game this season. (Honestly, how fucking lucky did ND get that Drew Olsen got injured and his backup happened to also be injured?)

So there you go. Feel free to flash JDB a friendly fight on sign when you see him around on campus because he is not the sole cause of your misery this week. But in the odd case that you run into God on campus, you have bigger things to worry about than football because it's probably a sign that the rapture is coming or something. I need to get to synagogue ASAP.

Your friend,

Ken of Troy

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