Soccer Dopplegangers!

So here's the deal, outside of me, Tim, and a small handful of our assorted friends, no one gives a shit about soccer. This is disheartening to me, but I think that I've devised a way for the rest of you to learn to recognize some of the biggest players on the planet: dopplegangers. What are dopplegangers? Glad you asked. So here we go, via me and Tim: soccer dopplegangers.

Cobi Jones - The Predator

There's no denying this one. All he needs is that laser thing and he'll be the best player in the league despite his age. Additionally, this explains why Galaxy rivals Chivas signed Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Pavel Nedved - Jeff Spicoli

Nedved's club, Juventus, recently got demoted to Serie B for match-fixing and bribing of referees during their championship season atop Italy's Serie A (the championship was subsequently revoked...huge bummer considering that they were clearly more talented than second place Inter Milan with or without referee help). So does that make FIFA Nedved's Mr. Hand? On the bright side, I heard Czechs don't smoke much pot, so he should be in the clear for that.

Manuel Almunia - Waluigi

Not sure on his stance on eggplants, but Almunia shares more than a face with the video game villain. Waluigi has already proven himself to be quite the goalkeeper himself in maybe the greatest game of all time: Mario Strikers. Rumors are abound that Chelsea is negotiating the transfer fee for him just in case Petr Cech ever has this happen to him again.

Edgar Davids - Geordi La Forge

Wikipedia says Geordi was born in the African Confederation in the year 2335. The one black dude in Star Trek is automatically from Africa even though he has the whitest voice of any character on the show? Is it somewhere in LeVar Burton's contract that characters he plays are required to be from Africa? None of this is related to Davids, but he plays in the Netherlands and I don't watch Ajax ever, so I honestly know nothing about him. No word on whether Davids is blind like Geordi, but I will investigate.

Ronaldinho - Jar Jar Binks

Imagine how much better Episode I would have been if Jar Jar could do this. He's one of the greatest ballers in the history of the world, and is consistently much more entertaining to watch than that stupid Gungan. I literally spent all 2 hours of that movie thinking about this.

Cesc Fabregas - Ryan Howard (from the Office, not the Phillies)

Just like Ryan, Fabregas is a wunderkid that's been rising fast and performing out of his mind. All Fabregas needs to do is grow a beard and turn into a douche, and he'll be all set. But on the bright side, like Ryan, his nuts are huge. Side-note: I like the thought of Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger being Michael Scott.

Peter Crouch - A Giraffe

A big, dumb Mr. Roboto giraffe.

David Beckham - Legolas

You have to go back a few haircuts because Becks is constantly getting one stupid hairdo after another, but the resemblance is stunning. Additionally, Beckham's pinpoint free kicks are analogous to Legolas' pinpoint shots with the bow and arrow.

Carlos Tevez - Bootstrap Bill

That shit is gross. Three questions for the Man U soccer star: 1. Is that contagious? 2. Would you ever consider playing for Arsenal? 3. What your girlfriend's eyesight and/or self-esteem like? On top of that, he had an affair WITH AN EVEN HOTTER SUPERMODEL! No picture on that girl, but trust me, I search the web every night. My only explanation is that there was some sort of Medusa effect where she stared at his grotesque face for too long and turned into stone, this leaving her helpless to the passion of the Argentinean.

So now that you've got a good idea of what some of the major soccer players around the world look like, I suggest you start watching soccer games, if only for the footballers' wives.