The Second Coming of Massachusetts

I really really really wish I lived in Massachusetts right now (and not just because of the state of affairs of the Golden Bears. That rhymes.) Not here in Massachusetts. I wish I lived in Boston. The public transportation system is fucking amazing there -- a foreign concept to an LA native. Dunkin Donuts are on every corner, and I love Dunkin Donuts. I could pahk my cah at havahd yahd (actually, I wouldn't have a car because CARS IN BOSTON ARE FUCKING INSANE). More importantly, because I lived in Boston, all my sports teams would be winning (I have yet to verify anything about the Boston Bruins because I infact still do not watch Hockey. This would lead to a greater increase in my personal well-being, and more importantly lots of partying everywhere. No, not that type of party. I'm talking about lots and lots of partying, with:
1. Dudes with awesome accents
2. Attractive women
3. Stephen King.

Unless I was number 2, I don't think I'd get to see the true "Jesuses" (or is the plural Jesi?) of Boston: their star athletes. With the success of the Patriots, the Red Sox, and Boston College, and the presumed success the Celtics will have as well, I have compiled a list of the top 10 Sports Superstars in (and around) Beantown right now. From 10-1, and in no affiliation with Bill Simmons, here we go:

10. Jonathan Papelbon - Even if you haven't seen him dominate over the past two years, most recently in game two of the World Series, watch this video.

9. Kevin Garnett - If I was posting this next week once basketball season had officially started, he'd be way higher up there (and maybe Paul Pierce and/or Ray Allen would make the list instead of the entirety of the Red Sox lineup). But as it stands, KG is ready to pwn the Atlantic division. The scariest man in recent NBA memory hated Minnesota (Sadly, it's one of the most hate filled states in the country?) and is gonna show the rest of the country what he can do in a viable market with teammates that aren't Latrell Sprewell.

8. The Boston Infield - They don't get much love because who really cares about defense that much. However, Youk is on pace for a beast of a performance in the postseason with all the hits and runs he's scoring (and he looks good for a gold glove, too). Pedroia is the leadoff man the Sox were looking for (and did you know he can hit?). And given their monstrous performances, Lowell, the Sox regular season RBI leader, looks lackluster compared to them. Fortunately that's offset by the useless Julio Lugo playing shortstop.

7(tie). Wally and Manny Ramirez - Since they exist in a symbiotic relationship, Manny and the Green Monster had to tie. Whether it's playing lackadaisical defense off it (like that laser to knock out Kenny Lofton in the ALCS) or hitting dingers over it (see ALDS game 2), Manny and Wally tend to get along pretty well. Let's hope that the Rockies win two more so we can see the two working it at Fenway again. Oh, And he's also leading the AL in AVG, Ribis and dingers this postseason (We need more preposterous synonyms for baseball statistics. Like Swipes. How about Whipers?)

. Randy Moss - He's ripping up the NFL by leading (before this Sunday's games) all wide receivers in touchdown catches and receiving yardage. If you took a gamble -- well, it's Randy Moss, so you knew last year was just kind of a fluke -- on him for your fantasy team, you are probably laughing at everyone in your league and having a plentiful amount of sex with hot women. Or maybe you're just scoffing at your opposition. Either one is respectable, although the term scoffing is far more hilarious.

4. Big Papi - Statistically speaking (swipes and whipers aside), Big Papi is in third for Boston this offseason behind Manny and the lumberjack (Stay tuned for a future post on the jobs sports players WOULD HAVE if they didn't play sports). But who really cares? If you are walking around Boston, who really wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis and scream "I'm your biggest fan!" (For that matter, who wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis in the first place? The man is a behemoth). The answer is Big Papi. And his postgame goggles in game 7 were far better than this teammate's.

These last three constitute the great Jesus triumvirate in the greater Massachusetts/Boston/New England area. So who are they?

3. Matt Ryan - If you aren't in college, you are asking yourself "Who/What the heck/hell/fuck is Matt Ryan?" No, he's not another weapon of the patriots. And no, I didn't go and look at the Boston Bruins to throw in a monkey wrench on this list (apologies to the Boston Bruins fans out there). And if Thursday night hadn't happened, then it would probably be just the next two. If you didn't read that recap, here's the quick summary: BC's down 0-10 with two minutes left. Matt Ryan marches the team down the field for a Heisman caliber touchdown drive. BC gets an onsides kick. Repeat step 1. BC wins 14-10, avoids being the 4th straight number 2 team to lose. In pulling for the upset, I found it very hard rooting for Ryan. But watching that drive, Matt Ryan showed the poise of Joe Montana, the arm of Dan Marino, and afterwards the stomach of a sorority girl after too many beers. And to top it all off, he even tackled one of his coaches after the play. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Heisman trophy winner.

2. Josh Beckett - He might not be the oldest pitcher on his team (Mike Timlin - 2381 years old). He might not have the largest arsenal (Dice-K, with 17.3 different pitches). And he might not be the best looking pitcher on his team (Paps). But he is the best pitcher on his team, and this offseason he's solidified why he's getting paid so much money to play in Beantown. More importantly though, this man is the most impressive postseason pitcher in recent memory, and let's hope we get to see him at least once more in this fall classic. Fox showed a graphic during game one with the best October pitchers stats for ERAs, K's, BB's and IPs, and since I was busy playing Halo on our other TV (yes, we have two TVs next to each other downstairs) I only really remember Sandy Koufax. He has a monstrous ERA of 1.20. He has 30 Innings pitched. He has 35 strikeouts. But the most impressive statistic by far? Through 30 Innings he's given up only TWO walks. Yes, I said TWO?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you serious Josh Beckett? GET OUT! (Now why can't the Dodgers sign a guy like him, instead of Jason Schmidt?)

1. Tom Brady - Ladies and gentlemen, the true lord of New England is Tom Brady. Ken and I have discussed many a time how much we wish our favorite sports teams were run like the Patriots. Incase you haven't realized how they do it, it goes like this:
1. Play through the season professionally and as successfully as possible.
2. Figure out what problems existed during that season.
3. Fix those problems.
So last year the Pats front office realized that Tom Brady should actually have some people to throw to. And what did they do? GOD FORBID, THEY GOT HIM RECEIVERS!!! Add it all up, and you've got Brady playing pitch and catch all around the country with Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth (I guess the three wise men to the Brady Jesus). Whenever a team is sucking, most people will blame the quarterback. But whenever a team is doing well, they usually will praise him. And folks, with every week being a step closer to that unthinkable perfect season, Tom Brady deserves all the praise in New England. Just look at this. Now look at his stats. And just think how much more he'll get if he can spank Peyton Manning in week 9.