WHAT THE FUCK BELANIE!

Fuck Trees. Fuck the color red. And Fuck Stanford. Every year Cal plays Stanford. And in the midst of a 5-game winning streak, most current Berkeleyians simply look at the last game on the calendar and write it off as an easy win. However, in a season where winning went from easy to impossible, I sat watching the Big Game and felt that punching myself in the ballsack repeatedly would be less painful.

Before the game I'd lost all effective interest in college football, after all umpteenth upsets during the season. Sure, it was the 25th anniversary of the greatest feat in football history, but since the game was at Stanford the douchebag announcers discounted the entire event suggesting that there were "forward laterals." Really? Well you work for Versus network. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry for anyone who watched the game on television. First off, because both teams legitimately played awful (Alex Mack still owns though). Second, because Versus is a terrible network (you'll notice how there wasn't a first down line on the field half the time, let alone the down and yardage information). Third, because Nate Longshore was QBing. This picture is indicative of what Cal endures.

Some interesting stats for the game (all Cal related, because i don't care about Stanford's and I'm not going to look up the specifics):
- 252 total yards in the first half. 7 in the third quarter.
- 2,613 penalties for infinity yards.
- 2 INTs, both (surprisingly) in the 4th quarter.

So Longshore's 4th quarter numbers continue to impress. 1 TD, 14 INTs. He almost looked like he would drive us in for a tie, but when has he ever. I'm going to write Jeff Tedford with my sterling advice that I've been preaching all year, and hopefully it'll get through that ~2.5 million dollar a year salary of his. Please Coach, GIVE KEVIN RILEY A CHANCE!

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Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! BEAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Joe Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

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I Stand By Kevin Riley

Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. And Cal losing.

In any other year if you wake up in the morning and see that the second ranked team in the country is the traditional football powerhouse that is California, you're probably still dreaming. Granted, the AP Poll this season has meant about as much as a valid form of ID at a foreign-owned liquor store. Fair-weather fans popped up everywhere, and everyone was in over their heads. But you knew it wouldn't last. I just didn't think it would end so soon.

At the game, we welcomed the alumni back with one of the scariest and most awesome "C-A-L GO BEARS!" I've ever heard. And the starting lineups looked great, because the monster Zach Follett (FIRE, RAGE, FURY) was back! But one thing that had slipped my mind after the bye-week was Longshore's sore ankle that he suffered during the Oregon game. I figured he would be fine since we had a bye, and the GameDay newspaper said that he was fine to play. So when they announced him as the starting QB, Strawberry Canyon had nothing to worry about. Right?



Everyone and their mothers could have told you Mark Sanchez was starting over John David Booty for SC this week. It was advertised by ESPN (continuing with their tradition of excellent press-coverage of the Pac-10), and we knew after that Booty had a broken finger. But when all signs point to Nate Longshore being in good enough shape to play -- even announcing him in the starting lineup -- you wouldn't expect switch to redshirt freshman Kevin Riley on the first play of the game. Tedford (Possible National Coach of the Year) pulled the rug out from under the faithful; I would've expected him to give the crowd (let alone the QB) a few days notice that we might not see Nate.

Due to the fact that Kevin Riley was thrown into this mess, things got off to a rocky start. Cal didn't convert during the first few drives, and the fans were really anxious. This was our homecoming game, and we weren't able to put away a team who's mascot was the Beavers and who's running back's name was Yvenson (All Pac-10 Sickest Name honors). But things started to come together during the second quarter, and you know what? Kevin Riley sure as hell didn't look like a redshirt freshman out there. He looked good, at times better than Longshore. Arguably the best play of the game came when Riley was wrapped up, yet managed to get a pass off which I thought would be called for intentional grounding. It found Craig Stevens (yes, he's in fact still on the team), who somehow CAUGHT IT and carried the Oregon State defense on his back to gain even more yardage.

Suddenly LSU had lost, and everyone in the student section started to jinx the game by chanting "WE'RE NUMBER 1!" That's when I knew we were lost. Even if Lavelle Hawkins can run in a touchdown to bring the game within three, and subsequently cause all of my blood vessels to explode. Even if the script was beautifully written like a Disney movie with the backup quarterback coming in to lead his team. That final drive was almost picturesque, and for a while there Riley had me believing. But this is Cal. It's not 1951. We aren't supposed to be ranked number 1. And when Tedford got greedy and left his field goal unit on the sidelines with 15 seconds left, it was game over.

ESPN and SI can rightfully (and will) criticize Cal's shortcomings all they want, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing for 294 yards. Cal students can make all these facebook groups to express all their frustration over the loss, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing 2 TDs and running in another. To quote Mike Gundy (the sworn protector of all collegiate athletes from this point forward), you don't go after a player who's a "good kid" for doing everything right. Sure, he made a mental error on the last play. But he's not the reason we lost. The game wasn't Riley's to decide. Cal has been touted as having some of the best offensive weapons in the nation with Jackson, Forsett, Hawkins, Jordan, Longshore, etc. So no one could blame it all on one individual's poor play. Cal AS A TEAM didn't come out and give it their all, and as such we aren't ranked number 1. But when Riley's tearing up defenses with that cannon during the next few years, you'll regret that you even considered blaming him -- a redshirt freshman, no less.

Most fans were searching for answers in general after the game (as well as lots of alcohol). How could we not capitalize and jump into number 1? How could we not stand up for the Pac-10 and stick it to Les Miles (Sidenote: Hats off to David Oda for that face he's making in this photo)? I'll admit that I was thinking about these same things. Since this SEC/Pac-10 debate started, I've hoped that Tedford could finally put Cal over the hump and make them a legitimate national title contender, and not just the "USC + 9 other schools" conference. This loss sort of derailed that spirit, but the fact that fans were thinking that in the first place is kind of comforting. It shows Tedford's been doing his job; there is a Cal football program, and students at this university care about it (fair-weather or not). The student section screamed its heart out last night, and all we got to show for it was an L and a bunch of sore throats. But I'm sure if you'd told a Cal fan in 2001 about what transpired over last night, and the possibilities that could have happened had Cal won, he would've laughed at your naivety. Told you to wake up. To stop dreaming. Maybe -- if he was angry -- to go fuck yourself.

And that's what many are inclined to do. This conversation with my friend Ethan after the game summed up what's gonna happen to a lot of the student body at Cal.

Me: "So...you got any plans tonight?"
Ethan: "I dunno. I have some homework to do and classes to catch up on. I'll probably just stay in and do that."
Me: "Yeah, I think that's a wise choice. I need to get back to earth."

But not me. Mr. Hypothetical 2001 Bears fan, after this heart-wrenching loss I'm awake, and I'm still a Cal fan. And maybe I'll see you next Saturday (if you shelled out the money to fly down to Pasadena).

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