Grady Little DURRRRR

"DURRRR" is exactly what's going through his head right now. Probably because he doesn't have cognitive abilities that are greater than that of a four year old (a four year old who doesn't understand the basic strategies of baseball). Sidenote, how good is that doll? Granted, he didn't really fuck up that much this season. The team still had a winning record...by two games. And when you were picked by many people to at least appear in the World Series, let alone win it, yet finished fourth in your division, you're probably going to face some scrutiny. Because of this, the Dodgers are taking a direct 180 approach from their previous policy -- the "Well, we'll stand by him because he's old and retarded" stance -- to a newer one of "We want a new cup of Joe" policy.

I'll admit, it's a bit of a backstabbing move. You don't go and turn your back on your manager after you've firmly stated he will be back for the next season. And you typically don't go and turn your back on old people (unless they are really pissed at you). Fortunately, many in the Dodger organization feel he killed our season, and they've been pursuing one of the two Joes on the open market: Joe Girardi and Joe Torre. Since the former just agreed to man the Yankees for three years, we're down to one choice. Coincidentally, I think someone called for hiring this guy a couple of weeks ago...

So what this means is all good things for Dodger nation (expect for fans of Rick Honeycutt). 82.2 % of people polled on ESPN say that Joe Torre is the right man for the Dodgers position. (Thanks for getting something right Sportsnation!) Don Mattingly will most likely be taking along, and I've heard some things about Torre bring more of his coaching staff along, so we'll have at least two geniuses managing. The only question now is (as was posed by Dodgerblues yesterday): What's the deal with ARod?

Personal feelings first, I am torn. I loved those days with the Mariners with Ken Griffey Jr, Edgar Martinez, Jay Buhner, Randy Johnson, John Olerud, and Alex Rodriguez. And then he bolted for money. I felt like a bit of me died inside (doctors determined it was in fact my childhood innocence) that one of the best players in the MLB betrayed my team for cash. And then he moved on to the Yankees and started routinely sucking in clutch situations against my one of my other favorite teams, so I felt some form of retribution. What does this all add up to? If ARod were to follow Joe, would I be happy or mad, or maybe both? Would he finally be able to hit in the clutch, or would he continue to stink it up like a 100 year old egg? (That video isn't that funny, but you should try to find the one from Fearfactor).

I think I would do what decent New Yorkers did. I'll cheer him when he's kicking ass and taking names, and I'll boo him when he's farting all over the place. But will the Dodger's frontoffice be shelling out the money, and increasing their payroll to more than the collective GDP of Australia, Iran, and the African continent? If you looked at all the ludicrous spending they had this past offseason on worthless acquisitions (see: Jason Schmidt's wasted starts, Juan Pierre's fielding inabilities and lackluster OBP, and Randy Wolf's old), one might think they are running low on cash. And it'll take a lot of cash to buy ARod. Then again, the Dodgers have done worse in the past.

Lastly, the benefit of bringing ARod to LA would be monumental. It would actually complete the analogy I started a few weeks ago (Yep, still sticking to it) about the Dodgers following in the footsteps of the most recent Lakers dynasty. Joe Torre will become Phil Jackson, and he will have many a Kobe Bryant to work with in Russell Martin, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, etc. But the Shaq in the Equation? That's ARod. A pretty good player with a weird personality who hasn't made the impact he should have in the postseason quite yet. So I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed. If he sucks/starts bitching, maybe they'll find a way to ship him to Miami too.

At the very least we won't have a man who's IQ is comparable to a cucumber manning the helm anymore.

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Soccer Dopplegangers!

So here's the deal, outside of me, Tim, and a small handful of our assorted friends, no one gives a shit about soccer. This is disheartening to me, but I think that I've devised a way for the rest of you to learn to recognize some of the biggest players on the planet: dopplegangers. What are dopplegangers? Glad you asked. So here we go, via me and Tim: soccer dopplegangers.

Cobi Jones - The Predator

There's no denying this one. All he needs is that laser thing and he'll be the best player in the league despite his age. Additionally, this explains why Galaxy rivals Chivas signed Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Pavel Nedved - Jeff Spicoli

Nedved's club, Juventus, recently got demoted to Serie B for match-fixing and bribing of referees during their championship season atop Italy's Serie A (the championship was subsequently revoked...huge bummer considering that they were clearly more talented than second place Inter Milan with or without referee help). So does that make FIFA Nedved's Mr. Hand? On the bright side, I heard Czechs don't smoke much pot, so he should be in the clear for that.

Manuel Almunia - Waluigi

Not sure on his stance on eggplants, but Almunia shares more than a face with the video game villain. Waluigi has already proven himself to be quite the goalkeeper himself in maybe the greatest game of all time: Mario Strikers. Rumors are abound that Chelsea is negotiating the transfer fee for him just in case Petr Cech ever has this happen to him again.

Edgar Davids - Geordi La Forge

Wikipedia says Geordi was born in the African Confederation in the year 2335. The one black dude in Star Trek is automatically from Africa even though he has the whitest voice of any character on the show? Is it somewhere in LeVar Burton's contract that characters he plays are required to be from Africa? None of this is related to Davids, but he plays in the Netherlands and I don't watch Ajax ever, so I honestly know nothing about him. No word on whether Davids is blind like Geordi, but I will investigate.

Ronaldinho - Jar Jar Binks

Imagine how much better Episode I would have been if Jar Jar could do this. He's one of the greatest ballers in the history of the world, and is consistently much more entertaining to watch than that stupid Gungan. I literally spent all 2 hours of that movie thinking about this.

Cesc Fabregas - Ryan Howard (from the Office, not the Phillies)

Just like Ryan, Fabregas is a wunderkid that's been rising fast and performing out of his mind. All Fabregas needs to do is grow a beard and turn into a douche, and he'll be all set. But on the bright side, like Ryan, his nuts are huge. Side-note: I like the thought of Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger being Michael Scott.

Peter Crouch - A Giraffe

A big, dumb Mr. Roboto giraffe.

David Beckham - Legolas

You have to go back a few haircuts because Becks is constantly getting one stupid hairdo after another, but the resemblance is stunning. Additionally, Beckham's pinpoint free kicks are analogous to Legolas' pinpoint shots with the bow and arrow.

Carlos Tevez - Bootstrap Bill

That shit is gross. Three questions for the Man U soccer star: 1. Is that contagious? 2. Would you ever consider playing for Arsenal? 3. What your girlfriend's eyesight and/or self-esteem like? On top of that, he had an affair WITH AN EVEN HOTTER SUPERMODEL! No picture on that girl, but trust me, I search the web every night. My only explanation is that there was some sort of Medusa effect where she stared at his grotesque face for too long and turned into stone, this leaving her helpless to the passion of the Argentinean.

So now that you've got a good idea of what some of the major soccer players around the world look like, I suggest you start watching soccer games, if only for the footballers' wives.

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The Second Coming of Massachusetts

I really really really wish I lived in Massachusetts right now (and not just because of the state of affairs of the Golden Bears. That rhymes.) Not here in Massachusetts. I wish I lived in Boston. The public transportation system is fucking amazing there -- a foreign concept to an LA native. Dunkin Donuts are on every corner, and I love Dunkin Donuts. I could pahk my cah at havahd yahd (actually, I wouldn't have a car because CARS IN BOSTON ARE FUCKING INSANE). More importantly, because I lived in Boston, all my sports teams would be winning (I have yet to verify anything about the Boston Bruins because I infact still do not watch Hockey. This would lead to a greater increase in my personal well-being, and more importantly lots of partying everywhere. No, not that type of party. I'm talking about lots and lots of partying, with:
1. Dudes with awesome accents
2. Attractive women
3. Stephen King.

Unless I was number 2, I don't think I'd get to see the true "Jesuses" (or is the plural Jesi?) of Boston: their star athletes. With the success of the Patriots, the Red Sox, and Boston College, and the presumed success the Celtics will have as well, I have compiled a list of the top 10 Sports Superstars in (and around) Beantown right now. From 10-1, and in no affiliation with Bill Simmons, here we go:

10. Jonathan Papelbon - Even if you haven't seen him dominate over the past two years, most recently in game two of the World Series, watch this video.

9. Kevin Garnett - If I was posting this next week once basketball season had officially started, he'd be way higher up there (and maybe Paul Pierce and/or Ray Allen would make the list instead of the entirety of the Red Sox lineup). But as it stands, KG is ready to pwn the Atlantic division. The scariest man in recent NBA memory hated Minnesota (Sadly, it's one of the most hate filled states in the country?) and is gonna show the rest of the country what he can do in a viable market with teammates that aren't Latrell Sprewell.

8. The Boston Infield - They don't get much love because who really cares about defense that much. However, Youk is on pace for a beast of a performance in the postseason with all the hits and runs he's scoring (and he looks good for a gold glove, too). Pedroia is the leadoff man the Sox were looking for (and did you know he can hit?). And given their monstrous performances, Lowell, the Sox regular season RBI leader, looks lackluster compared to them. Fortunately that's offset by the useless Julio Lugo playing shortstop.

7(tie). Wally and Manny Ramirez - Since they exist in a symbiotic relationship, Manny and the Green Monster had to tie. Whether it's playing lackadaisical defense off it (like that laser to knock out Kenny Lofton in the ALCS) or hitting dingers over it (see ALDS game 2), Manny and Wally tend to get along pretty well. Let's hope that the Rockies win two more so we can see the two working it at Fenway again. Oh, And he's also leading the AL in AVG, Ribis and dingers this postseason (We need more preposterous synonyms for baseball statistics. Like Swipes. How about Whipers?)

. Randy Moss - He's ripping up the NFL by leading (before this Sunday's games) all wide receivers in touchdown catches and receiving yardage. If you took a gamble -- well, it's Randy Moss, so you knew last year was just kind of a fluke -- on him for your fantasy team, you are probably laughing at everyone in your league and having a plentiful amount of sex with hot women. Or maybe you're just scoffing at your opposition. Either one is respectable, although the term scoffing is far more hilarious.

4. Big Papi - Statistically speaking (swipes and whipers aside), Big Papi is in third for Boston this offseason behind Manny and the lumberjack (Stay tuned for a future post on the jobs sports players WOULD HAVE if they didn't play sports). But who really cares? If you are walking around Boston, who really wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis and scream "I'm your biggest fan!" (For that matter, who wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis in the first place? The man is a behemoth). The answer is Big Papi. And his postgame goggles in game 7 were far better than this teammate's.

These last three constitute the great Jesus triumvirate in the greater Massachusetts/Boston/New England area. So who are they?

3. Matt Ryan - If you aren't in college, you are asking yourself "Who/What the heck/hell/fuck is Matt Ryan?" No, he's not another weapon of the patriots. And no, I didn't go and look at the Boston Bruins to throw in a monkey wrench on this list (apologies to the Boston Bruins fans out there). And if Thursday night hadn't happened, then it would probably be just the next two. If you didn't read that recap, here's the quick summary: BC's down 0-10 with two minutes left. Matt Ryan marches the team down the field for a Heisman caliber touchdown drive. BC gets an onsides kick. Repeat step 1. BC wins 14-10, avoids being the 4th straight number 2 team to lose. In pulling for the upset, I found it very hard rooting for Ryan. But watching that drive, Matt Ryan showed the poise of Joe Montana, the arm of Dan Marino, and afterwards the stomach of a sorority girl after too many beers. And to top it all off, he even tackled one of his coaches after the play. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Heisman trophy winner.

2. Josh Beckett - He might not be the oldest pitcher on his team (Mike Timlin - 2381 years old). He might not have the largest arsenal (Dice-K, with 17.3 different pitches). And he might not be the best looking pitcher on his team (Paps). But he is the best pitcher on his team, and this offseason he's solidified why he's getting paid so much money to play in Beantown. More importantly though, this man is the most impressive postseason pitcher in recent memory, and let's hope we get to see him at least once more in this fall classic. Fox showed a graphic during game one with the best October pitchers stats for ERAs, K's, BB's and IPs, and since I was busy playing Halo on our other TV (yes, we have two TVs next to each other downstairs) I only really remember Sandy Koufax. He has a monstrous ERA of 1.20. He has 30 Innings pitched. He has 35 strikeouts. But the most impressive statistic by far? Through 30 Innings he's given up only TWO walks. Yes, I said TWO?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you serious Josh Beckett? GET OUT! (Now why can't the Dodgers sign a guy like him, instead of Jason Schmidt?)

1. Tom Brady - Ladies and gentlemen, the true lord of New England is Tom Brady. Ken and I have discussed many a time how much we wish our favorite sports teams were run like the Patriots. Incase you haven't realized how they do it, it goes like this:
1. Play through the season professionally and as successfully as possible.
2. Figure out what problems existed during that season.
3. Fix those problems.
So last year the Pats front office realized that Tom Brady should actually have some people to throw to. And what did they do? GOD FORBID, THEY GOT HIM RECEIVERS!!! Add it all up, and you've got Brady playing pitch and catch all around the country with Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth (I guess the three wise men to the Brady Jesus). Whenever a team is sucking, most people will blame the quarterback. But whenever a team is doing well, they usually will praise him. And folks, with every week being a step closer to that unthinkable perfect season, Tom Brady deserves all the praise in New England. Just look at this. Now look at his stats. And just think how much more he'll get if he can spank Peyton Manning in week 9.

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Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Hockey is my first love. As amazing as the Hunt for October in baseball, March Madness in basketball, or the bowl games of New Year's Day in college football are, nothing beats a few Canadians smacking around vulcanized rubber for 60 minutes.

My love for hockey was sealed during the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals. I was 4 going on 5 and was just starting to get into sports for real. The LA Kings had just finished a classic seven game series against the Toronto Maple Leafs and were all set to play the Montreal Canadiens. The Kings took game 1 and were poised to take a 2-0 series lead heading back to Los Angeles when Marty McSorley's stick was determined to have an illegally large curve on it with just a few minutes left in the game. Montreal scored on the ensuing powerplay and used the momentum to win the series and the Stanley Cup. The Kings have never been past the second round since. Watching that game, as heartbreaking as it was for me, sealed my love of hockey and sports in general.

Fast forward to now. I'm in college. My friends are in college. I go to a school close to home in my favorite city in the world, I'm getting an amazing education, I have so many opportunities for me, and I get to root for one of the best football teams in the nation. And yet something is still missing. Oh yeah, this. I want that. I'll take double the classes and fly back and forth between Oxford, Ohio and LA if I can get in on that. Unfortunately for me, USC, unlike Miami (Ohio), does not have the #2 ice hockey team in the nation.

But!

That doesn't mean I still can't watch college hockey.

Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Last year I went to the Pac-8 (Arizona and Oregon State: get your shit together) Ice Hockey Championship in El Segundo. USC played the powerhouse (at least as close as you can get to being a powerhouse team in the Pac-8) Oregon Ducks in the finals. Quite a game, and surprisingly quality hockey. The second period ended early in order to sort out the over 10 penalties assessed in a three minute span. USC tied the game with a pulled goalie under a minute left in the 3rd period, and then won it in overtime. Pretty fucking rad if you're a Trojan.

Anyway, so I found out last night that USC was playing a hockey game against our favorite school in the whole wide world, those lovable Bruins of UCLA. Even better, I found out that the game was literally down the street from where my dorm is: Staples Center. My reaction was obviously (and only a few of you will understand what I mean by this): GATOR!

So me and my friends grab our sweatshirts (second time I've had to wear a sweatshirt all year long) and headed to the game just after the Kings game at Staples Center finished. We get to Staples only to find that we are not allowed in to watch the game. You have to have attended the game and then stayed for the USC/UCLA game afterwards (which we knew was total bullshit because my friend Cornelia was at the game and she was at her sorority during the Kings game and thus obviously didn't attend).

We refused to take no for an answer and ended up getting the ticket stubs to the Kings game from people leaving the stadium, and then tried to get in with those. That didn't work. Being the clever and cunning students we are, we then went to a door where there were no security guards and snuck into Staples Center. I know, my account of getting into the game is not on par with Tim's descriptions of lines around the stadium waiting to get in, but I bet he never had to deal with panhandling for ticket stubs to a game that had just finished.

Anyway, so we get in and though the place wasn't packed or anything, there was a decent crowd for both teams considering the game was at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night off campus and was poorly advertised.

One weird thing we learned at the game: this game at Staples Center was a home game for UCLA. For those of you not familiar with Los Angeles geography, let's review: USC to Staples, and UCLA to Staples (fyi Mapquest does not factor in the ridiculous traffic associated with driving from Westwood to Downtown). So where is USC's home ice? The Anaheim Ice Center, 30 miles southeast of USC. Don't worry, I'm sure the made sense at the time.
Regardless of who's home game it was, the crowd was about 60-40 Trojans. Both sides were loud and raucous, and in general the game was a lot of fun. Bruin fans were constantly doing the 8-Clap (out of time for the most part) and Trojan fans did the SoCal Spell-Out after every goal (also out of time for the most part). There was jeering back and forth, and it felt just like any other USC/UCLA rivalry game (although I will say that the USC/UCLA blasian dance-off was by far the most intense).

The only thing that was unfortunate was the quality of play. USC and UCLA are club teams and were playing their 6th and 5th games of the season respectively. Since they're club teams, they don't get to really practice during the off-season, and I wouldn't be surprised if most of the players got very few opportunities to ever get on the ice during the summer. As a result, both teams were sloppy with their stick-handling, shots, and passing, but showed flashes of brilliance with their vision on the ice. The team will significantly improve as the season goes on, if last year is any indication for the Trojans. They started 5-6 before finishing 16-6-1 and winning the Pac-8 Championships.

The actual game itself was intense. UCLA had an early 2-1 lead, but USC bounced back with three unanswered goals. The Bruins pulled within one, but USC scored again to make it 5-3. The Trojans then killed off a 1:45 two-man advantage for the Bruins. As the third period drew to a close, the Bruins scored to once again make it a one goal game. They then drew a penalty and pulled their goalie with under a minute remaining, but USC, thanks to some amazing defense, managed to hold onto the lead and win the game 5-4, much to the dismay of the UCLA fans that took a bus from campus to Staples Center.

If you go to USC, UCLA, or any other school in the Pac-8 (Beavers and Wildcats be damned), go and watch your hockey team. It's a lot of fun and these guys are literally your average students. They aren't on scholarship, they don't get special benefits, they weren't recruited. They got in to your school just like you, they take the same classes as you, and just happen to play hockey.

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This Just In: Lou Holtz Is a Moron

Ok just a short post for right now because I need to study for my IR and Arabic midterms (and/or apply for a job at McDonald's because I'm going to fail out of college after these two midterms).

But that's neither here nor there, I'm watching the BC/Virginia Tech game (fyi unless BC picks their game up, they will be the fourth straight #2 team in the nation to lose) and the half-time show just finished.

Don't know if you've figured this out, but Lou Holtz is an idiot.

At some point while he was droning on and on about how big Dennis Dixon's dick is, and how everyone at USC sucks (Wow, really Lou? Didn't see that one coming at all from you.), he started talking about USC's two quarterbacks: John David Booty and Tony Sanchez. I'm sorry, who? Dude, you cover football professionally, how do you not remember this stuff? Additionally, how did you get Tony? Mark...Tony...Mark...Tony. Nope, I don't see it. Oh wait, yes I do. YOU'RE OLD. QUIT YOUR JOB YOU OLD BASTARD. AND TAKE MARK MAY WITH YOU.

So yeah, I had myself a good chuckle and all was well in the world. Lou had made his mandatory stupid comment, and Mark May had been overly aggressive in his poor analysis of anything sports related.

But!

Lou Holtz got up to make one of his trademark pep talks to Nebraska. (Sorry Husker Nation, this means you're guaranteed to lose this weekend. You'll probably be demoted to 1-AA, too.)

Anyway, so blah blah blah I'm Lou Holtz and I give horrible pep talks that are extremely predictable. (By the way, if you were playing along with the "Lou Holtz Drinking Game", I think you would have take like 48 drinks during his two and a half minute pep talk.)

And then it happened.

I don't have a transcript of it, but Lou said something along the lines of this: "Men, you can fix anything if enough people care. We fixed racism and sexism because enough people cared, and men, we can fix this program if enough of you care."

Did Lou just compare Nebraska's recent string of poor seasons to the bloody and protracted Civil Right Movement of the 1950's and 60's for African-Americans?

Is Bill Callahan supposed to be Dr. Martin Luther King?

Is the University of Texas analogous to the Ku Klux Klan, violently attacking Nebraska's non-violent protests at white-only diners (and by non-violent protests at white-only diners, I mean athletes on scholarship playing football on Saturdays)?

Sam Keller is Medgar Evers, right?

I could go on, but I think Lou's dumb ass remarks speak for themselves.

Just stick to wrongly picking Notre Dame to win every week and leave the historical analogies alone, won't you, Lou?

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The Good, The Bad, and Cal

Los Angeles -- Southern California, for that matter -- is ACTUALLY burning. Never would've thought that crappy Tommy Lee Jones movie would ever become a reality. I went home this weekend and saw the fires firsthand (the airplane pilot decided to take a quick detour to fly us over them and see the smoke) and it was spooky. Hope everyone who’s reading this down there is okay. Fortunately for me, I am not in LA. Unfortunately for me, I am still not okay.

As a side note, before you read anymore, it's time for some shameless self-promotion. We've only been a blog going on 2+ weeks note, but check out this website (12th in the nation! Better than the Golden Bears can say). I'd appreciate it if you went and voted for us by going to the bottom of the right tool bar. Thanks a bunch!

Anyway, I'm emotionally scarred after the second straight loss to my Golden Bears. Ironically, I jokingly said earlier that Cal could go 0-4 before the USC game. Now I'm praying they at least go 2-2. But it would appear that the season is beyond repair. I could outline some of the scenarios to win the Pac-10 title, such as Cal winning out, Oregon losing at USC/ASU, ASU losing to Oregon/USC, and UCLA losing to Oregon/ASU/USC, along with the establishment of a free Palestinian state and the curing of cancer. The way this season is going, all of those are possible…but should Cal win out and be eligible for an At-Large BCS berth, they wouldn’t deserve it given their shitty performances these past two weeks.

The team still gets my support, since I’ve got two more sets of card stunts at the home games. But my explanation for the drop from 2 to 21 is Jordan Kay (Thanks for the irony, Daily Cal). He might not be Tom Schneider/Jesus, but he’s had two crucial field goals missed in losses to OSU and UCLA. Kevin Riley might run the clock out when Nate Longshore doesn’t, and Nate Longshore might throw interceptions when Kevin Riley doesn’t, but those easy three would’ve changed both losses. Oh please lord, grant Andrew Larson even more god-like kicking abilities. Allow him to kick field goals like he punts his 70+ yarders.

Fortunately, one of my teams is actually OWNING. The Red Sox are headed to their second World Series in three years. I am fucking excited, no way around it. As much as I liked Cleveland this year, it’s time for them to shave their beards and hit the road. That means you, Casey Blake. The comeback wasn’t as historic, but it’s giving the Sox some nice momentum for the WS, although it doesn’t match the Rockies momentum. That's equivalent to 1/λ = R (1/n₁² + 1/n₂²). Special thanks to dude in the dorm I was working at last night for supplying me with this equation...I still have no idea what it means.

Most entertaining ALCS player goes to Jonathan Papelbon, seen here doing his best impression of Godzilla/Jolly Green Giant (Green Monster, ah ha!). The man has all the qualities of a great closer: hilarious mannerisms (who can beat that stare?), a southern drawl, and fucking good stuff. In a close second was Big Papi, preparing for either a glorious champagne bath or his first swimming lesson. Everyone knows how silly this man is, but what other tricks does he have up his sleeves (which are huge)? I wouldn’t be surprised if he and the Boston pops perform Ode to Joy if they win the Series.

Let’s hope the World Series lasts for seven games. Because with the end of the Dodgers (I'm praying those Rockies don't win it, since that division will look even more better than it already does) and soon the Red Sox, Cal crashing faster than a Concorde, Tom Brady/Randy Moss and co. pwning the entire NFL, and Kobe still on the Lakers, I’ll soon have nothing. I just might start watching Hockey.

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A World Without Peyton Manning

So one of the things that I do when I'm not blogging is this thing called TIRP, where you guest teach stuff about international relations at high schools near USC. One of the exercises I did with my classes had to do with globalization and was called "Why Should I Care?" It's a pretty simple exercise. Basically you're supposed to plan a fun weekend with your friends and then you're supposed to list all of the things you would need for the weekend. I then tell the students to cross off every single item on the list that is a foreign product or resource, which is basically everything on the list. The point is that you can't isolate yourself from the outside world and that a world without international trade would blow.

But what about if we took this same lesson and applied it to other things, like football players. What would life be like in a world without Peyton Manning?

Alright so let's plan out a fun weekend and then start taking away products that Manning is a spokesman for, and we'll see how far we get.

It's fall, so I'll be honest, my weekend consists entirely of just watching college football on

Saturday and pro football on Sunday.

Friend: "Hey Ken, there's this awesome party tonight on Ellendale. You wanna go?"

Me: "No thanks, the Mississippi State/East Carolina game is still going on."

Friend: "Ummmm okay.....well the game is 24-3, so I don't really get why you're still watching. Plus I heard a bunch of the girls from Delta Gamma are gonna be at the party."

Me: "Yeah I know, but there's still the over/under that's up for grabs in the game, but you have fun."

DirecTV: Hmmmm okay well we've all seen this ad. You know what, I don't even care about the NFL that much. I don't really need to watch those games, I'll just play video games instead.

XBox: Great commercial, really the beginning of the Manning the Salesman era. 

That game never held a candle to Madden anyway. (Additionally, real-life tie in: my XBox is broken in the real world, too.) That's alright though, there should be a few solid games on ABC or FOX or CBS for me to watch.

Sony: Wow, okay fuck that. Not only is he a spokesman for Sony, it is specifically for their televisions. (By the way, I couldn't find a video of the ad, but everyone has seen it if you've ever been within 20 feet of a television.) You know what, I'd rather see the game live, so who cares. I'm gonna go buy some tickets to the Kings game tonight.

MasterCard: Dammit, why did I forget about this? (Gotta love the bloopers.) Yeah I definitely don't have enough cash on me. How much do you have on you right now? $5.78? Yeah, okay looks like we're not going to the hockey game. You know what, Kings tickets are overpriced anyway. If we can't watch sports, why don't we just get the guys together and play a little two touch? I'll text Will and Kenny right now.

Sprint: Really hit and miss with these Sprint commercials. Okay, so I don't know how to send smoke signals, and the last time I tried, my RA chewed me out for like 20 minutes or so for setting off the fire alarm at our dorm. Hey, it's all good though. My roommate and I can always just play a little pitch and catch out in McCarthy Quad. Ian, let's roll. I just gotta grab my shoes.

Reebok: What? Seriously? Shoes are overrated anyway. My Neanderthal ancestors didn't need shoes to club animals to death, so it's not like I really need shoes to throw a football around with my buddy. Although, it is hot outside today. Peyton didn't do ads for air conditioning did he?

Gatorade: Fuck off Peyton. I like you, but this is just getting out of hand. How the hell am I supposed to replenish my body with

 electrolytes after working up a sweat throwing a football? Powerade? Please. That shit is awful. (Also, when did it become okay to blatantly copy everything about your main competitor's product including half of its name? Was Crocade already copyrighted?) Okay well, it looks like I can't do much for myself this weekend. Hmmm I've got an idea...

American Red Cross: Oh come on! What is that?! I try to spend my weekend providing disaster relief to those in need and YOU have to come in and ruin it for me?! Alright Peyton, you win. I'm going to spend my weekend in my room with the door locked doing the same as many other lonely teenagers with nothing else to do.

Carrie Underwood: Okay, not fair. He didn't date her, he isn't plugging her album, and he's not her manager. Just because she promoted her album as the musical guest when Peyton was the host of SNL does not imply that he was a spokesman for her. That'd be like saying that you aren't allowed to laugh because he was promoting comedy on SNL, or that you're not allowed to support America because he went to the White House after winning the Super Bowl. Those are the rules....that I just made up.

So I guess a world without Peyton Manning isn't that bad. I can still Google Image Carrie Underwood and have a good time by myself as long as I have my Mac.

By comparison, a world without Tiger Woods is much bleaker.

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