Weekend Update

With no time to spare, since the weekend has already technically ended and I could be posting in detail on more things. Here's a quick look at all the sports-related incidents that happened over the past weekend that people care about.

College Football:

- #2 Oregon going down wasn't enough for you, College Football Gods? You just needed to have another top 5 fall? That's right, Oklahoma took another tumble to an unranked team this year (see Stupid Colorado Fans storm the Stupid Colorado field after Stupid Colorado's football team). This time it was Graham Harrell and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, located in good ole Lubbock Texas. Did you know Buddy Holly's from there (and my bud Jesse Tow)? Anyway, Oklahoma started off strong with a pretty sick INT return for a Touchdown, but unfortunately Sam Bradford got destroyed on his first play of the game after his tailback fumbled, and he wasn't able to return. Neither was Oklahoma, falling 34-27
- Kansas and Missouri both won, setting up a Big 12 showdown of #2 v. #4 (thanks a lot for ruining the consecutive numbers, WVU). It's a matchup with major national title implications. And people still don't care!
- Some dude on Ohio State named Chris Wells owned Michigan's defense, running all over them to lead his team to at least Pasadena with a 14-3 win. I would've caught the game only it started at 9 a.m. Pacific time. THANKS A LOT FOR FINISHING THE GAME BEFORE I WOKE UP, ASSHOLES.
- Cal continued to prove itself a force of ineptitude, this time fellating the Washington Huskies in a loss. In a game that featured the same clip of a floating bridge and Dan Fouts announcing, I came closer to suicide watching this on Saturday than I ever have in my life.
- LSU started a live tiger on offense to destroy its opponent.

Professional Football:

- After the most preposterous of field goal kicks was ruled "no-good," then changed to "good," then changed back to "WHO THE FUCK CARES THIS IS THE BROWNS v. RAVENS!!!" If you do care...the Browns ended up winning the game to go to 6-4.
- Brett Favre is old but still winning games. Remember when There's Something About Mary had just come out?
- All other NFL recaps of other teams are unnecessary this season because the New England Patriots are performing crimes against humanity in every game. Today they pooped all over the Buffalo Bills (without Marshawn Lynch, clearly the reason for their loss), scoring on 7 consecutive drives in the first half, eventually winning 56-10. Brady hooked up with Moss 4 times in the first half, their defense was solid throughout, and so they decided to just sit around and do Mad Libs for the rest of the game (Not Bill Belichick. He's incapable of laughter). Although it might not look like anything can stop them, history has shown us that sometimes things don't turn out as they should. With the 0-10 Dolphins on their schedule in the second to last week, we may see the marquee win Cam Cameron's been looking for this season. Also the first win he's been looking for. Or we might just see more pooping on other teams from New England.

Professional Basketball (Nothing to report yet on College Basketball except that Stanford got upset, which is always funny to a Cal fan):

- Much like their New England counterparts (you'll remember that every sports related thing in Boston has been going pretty damn well lately), the Boston Celtics are dominating the NBA. Whenever hot chicks are wearing your stuff again, your team is doing well. Unfortunately they suffered their first loss of the season Sunday night to Orlando, but to their credit it was only by two points. If this was last year it would pain me to see the Celtics doing so well, but...
- LAKERS LAKERS LAKERS!!! Off to a 6-3 start in a season which many thought would be pathetic and devoid of a man named Kobe Bryant, the Lakers have been one of the most pleasant surprises for a Lakers fan. A surprise comparable to if you actually got one of those Lexuses with a bow on top of it for Christmas. Not only has Kobe been playing fantastic, but the ensemble cast has shown it can hold its own. I finally got to catch my first glimpse of the Lakers on TV on Friday against Detroit, and they look pretty damn good. Walton's playing like he actually deserved that contract, some of the youngin's (Whose names I am yet to learn. Wait till winter break) are kicking major ass, and Ronny Turiaf is Mufasa. Unfortunately Kwame Brown is still on the team, but nobody's perfect. But Hey, they beat the Bulls tonight. So much for Kobe wanting to play there now! All we have to do is wait for the Lakers to realize it's the middle of the season and collapse back into place like the past two years.
- Some other teams probably won, but they either feature players on the verge of crying, Nazis, or Canadians on their teams.

Baseball:

- Mariano Rivera is back with the Yankees. Great Rivera, you're just going to delay Joba Chamberlain's rise to power another year or so. Way to be a douchepickle.
- Tom Glavine is coming full circle back to his happy days with the Braves. Unfortunately for him, he's washed up. Let's hope he doesn't have to retire midseason.

MLS:

- Houston Dynamo repeat as MLS champions. They beat the New England Revolution. I take back what I said about every team in the Boston area being the best at sports. Extra points for anyone who can tell me what a Dynamo is who isn't in engineering or a physicist.

NASCAR:

-Jimmie Johnson wins something. The only person who cares is Tim. Nerd.

What to be excited for this week:

- A pretty good matchup of Arizona State v. USC on Thursday. Both teams were on bye last week, and the Pac-10 title will pretty much be decided with this game.
- A not so funtastic matchup of Boise State v. Hawaii on Friday. In a year filled with Cinderella teams, there will be no BCS David v. Goliath story this time. Sorry Chris Peterson, we can't have it happen again.
- THANKSGIVING! Enjoy yourself a wonderful Madden Turducken!