It's Business Time

I wish that life was simpler. Like the finals exams I've got to take next week. Or taxes. Or football penalty calls.

Fortunately, ACC refs are dumbing down the latter to make life a little bit better. While I was killing brain cells watching the retarded affair that is Pac-10 Football, I could've been catching referee Ron Cherry explaining penalties more eloquently than Robert Frost prose.

Let's hope all penalties start getting called like this.

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WHAT THE FUCK BELANIE!

Fuck Trees. Fuck the color red. And Fuck Stanford. Every year Cal plays Stanford. And in the midst of a 5-game winning streak, most current Berkeleyians simply look at the last game on the calendar and write it off as an easy win. However, in a season where winning went from easy to impossible, I sat watching the Big Game and felt that punching myself in the ballsack repeatedly would be less painful.

Before the game I'd lost all effective interest in college football, after all umpteenth upsets during the season. Sure, it was the 25th anniversary of the greatest feat in football history, but since the game was at Stanford the douchebag announcers discounted the entire event suggesting that there were "forward laterals." Really? Well you work for Versus network. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry for anyone who watched the game on television. First off, because both teams legitimately played awful (Alex Mack still owns though). Second, because Versus is a terrible network (you'll notice how there wasn't a first down line on the field half the time, let alone the down and yardage information). Third, because Nate Longshore was QBing. This picture is indicative of what Cal endures.

Some interesting stats for the game (all Cal related, because i don't care about Stanford's and I'm not going to look up the specifics):
- 252 total yards in the first half. 7 in the third quarter.
- 2,613 penalties for infinity yards.
- 2 INTs, both (surprisingly) in the 4th quarter.

So Longshore's 4th quarter numbers continue to impress. 1 TD, 14 INTs. He almost looked like he would drive us in for a tie, but when has he ever. I'm going to write Jeff Tedford with my sterling advice that I've been preaching all year, and hopefully it'll get through that ~2.5 million dollar a year salary of his. Please Coach, GIVE KEVIN RILEY A CHANCE!

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Here's to wishing...

Okay so this picture was originally made by the people at yahoo sports, and some guy wrote about it in an article that I can't seem to find. Anyway, let's talk about this. Mainly, it catches your eye with logos and what not, and everyone loves brackets.

In all seriousness, when it is presented in this format, a college football 16-team playoff seems completely within reason. I have always been in favor of the "plus one" idea, where four potential championship-caliber teams are selected for a miniature playoff, because I always thought a 16-team one would just be too many games.

But think of it this way. Say college football cuts off one non-conference game, so people don't have to complain about the players being too tired, and it will encourage teams to schedule their NC games wisely (what's up, Michigan).

I don't know if I'm completely in favor of playing the playoff games at home fields of the higher seeded teams. Yes, they do this in the lower divisions, but in the lower divisions there aren't the same gaps in programs at the top to programs at the bottom. Perennial powerhouses would be getting extra home games every year, and that means more money for the big schools to further distance themselves from the Troys and Central Floridas of the world.

Also, putting them at a neutral site can also satisy the idea of the NCAA losing sponsorship money from the BCS sponsors. Instead of the CITI Rose Bowl make it the CITI 2nd-round playoff game. To give the higher-seeded team an advantage, which they rightly deserve, allot more tickets to their school, giving them the opportunity to make the neutral site less neutral, without compromising too much.

This format rewards teams for winning their conference, which should be the biggest goal in a football season. Then, just as in college basketball, you are guaranteed a spot at the dance. And just as in college basketball, upsets would happen, but in the end I feel that the two best teams would sort themselves out and we would have a true national championship that no one could argue about. If a team isn't the best in its conference or in the top 5 otherwise, why should they have any claim to being the best team in the country?

Is this going to happen? No. But that doesn't mean I can't dream.

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Nevermind

Okay. I take back all the adjectives I used to describe the UCLA/Oregon game.

This is the worst game I have ever seen.

Pittsburgh 3 - Miami 0

It was like watching a blind nun try to hump a doorknob. But a lot dirtier because of the mud from the rain. Also it was like watching said blind nun in an open Nebraskan field because the rain wiped away all of the yard lines on the field, which meant it was impossible to know where either team was on the field. The only thing I could know the entire night was that they weren't anywhere near the end zone.

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UCLA and Oregon Deserve Each Other

So there I was, focused in on the UCLA/Oregon game that had yet to see a touchdown midway through the 4th quarter while ignoring an intense 4 OT game between Kentucky and Tennessee. And to top it all off, I found myself cheering as loudly as I could for UCLA.

But after what I saw in my one day as a UCLA, I'm retiring.

Not only because I now no longer need UCLA's help (unless them sucking against USC next Saturday counts as getting help from them! ZING!) to give my Trojans a spot in the Rose Bowl, but also because UCLA football is extremely depressing to watch. (To be honest, watching USC's basketball team almost lose to Miami (OH) last night in the Anaheim Classic elicited a similar feeling.)

Watching that UCLA/Oregon felt like watching a football game from the early 1900's. Low scoring, field goals and safeties (well almost in this case) provided what few points there were, and NO FORWARD PASSING. Good god I have never seen so many poor passes in one game. And I understand, both defenses played great, and the majority of the game was played between a 3rd string and 4th string QB. But when the play-by-play guy is suggesting that one of the teams (UCLA) use one of its wide receivers (Brandon Breazell) as their QB because he's the best passer in the game, you know something is wrong.

In defense of both teams, it could have been worse though. The first quarter looked less like 19th century football and more like the Special Olympics. UCLA had -2 rushing yards and its starting QB went 0/7 with 1 INT....and they left the first quarter with the lead. Does UCLA's defense understand that by playing so well and winning the game for the Bruins they only prolong Karl Dorrell's train-wreck tenure in Westwood? If I were a Bruin player, I would be intentionally trying to throw the game to get rid of Dorrell (however UCLA's QBs seem to be doing their best to do just that).

Add onto that the three blind mice that officiated the game. They apparently do not understand that when the ball bounces off the field into a player's hands, that does not count as a completion. BUSH LEAGUE. THAT IS BUSH LEAGUE. (Speaking of poor officiating, a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for raising your arms in the air after a sack? You know Pete Carroll is gonna write a love letter to the Pac-10 on Monday.)

It just was not a fun game to watch, and yet I watched every second of it due to its importance to USC's Rose Bowl hopes. Thank you UCLA for your help and awesome defense today, a big no thank you to anyone on your offense except your kicker. I pray I never have to sit through something like that again. And this coming Saturday, when USC plays UCLA, it's nice to know at least one of the teams will actually have an offense. (Don't worry Bruins, we get to trade places when basketball season gets going.)

The streets will run powder blue with Dorrell's blood on Saturday.

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Let the Deals Begin

Well we kicked off the baseball season with many trades and signings. Jon Garland for Orlando Cabrera (ooooh)! Jason Kendall signing with the Brewers (aaaah)! But today marks the first acquisition that many (and by many, I mean me) didn't see coming: Torii Hunter signing with the Angels.

If you look at ESPN Rumor Central and SI's Trade Rumors everyday like us here at Sons of Steiner, then you're kind of taken aback by this. The last reports I heard were that Hunter was very interested in signing with either the Dodgers (please god please please please), the Rangers (what? Are you serious! Get out!), or the White Sox (dumb move, but whatever). And then I get into LA this morning for Thanksgiving and look at the front page of the sports section, and BOOM! He's an Angel.

Fuck the Angels. And yes, I said that. Quick geography lesson: I'm from Los Angeles. Not Anaheim. The Angels are from Anaheim. Not Los Angeles. There is only one baseball team in Los Angeles: The Dodgers. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? No dude. Come on.

So now with this deal, fuck them even more. They've got two power bats now in Hunter and Vlad Guerrero (no, Garret Anderson is never going to be a power bat again), and a decent pitching staff with the Jon Garland trade. Plus they already have a center fielder in Gary Mathews Jr., so wtf! I expect now that my boys in blue will step up their efforts and sign Aaron Rowand to lock up a center fielder (because Juan Pierre is more a toddler than baseball player).

Finally, I am excited about this deal because it may change up the Miguel Cabrera hunt. The Angels have more protection for Guerrero in their lineup, so they may be less-willing to trade for Cabrera, freeing up the chance for the Dodgers (the other frontrunners). However, since the Marlins are demanding youngin's, I have a bad feeling the Dodgers will make a bad move and sell away their entire farm system for him.

Oh well. I still love the Baseball Offseason.

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NATIONAL CHAMPIONS! "WE'RE #1!!!!"

Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. The Stanford Cardinal has just been named the national champions in women's cross-country!! Palo Alto will be one massive party tonight.

Folks, if you're like me, you've been following the women's cross-country season since their very first practices this year. I have been logging every single time trial and have watched as Stanford has established one of the most powerful dynasties in the history of the sport, winning its third straight women's cross-country championship this year. I was watching intently this year to see if Stanford could pull it out, it was quite the sight to behold. That's drama folks.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get tickets, but were it not for my midterms I totally would have dropped the $2500 StubHub was charging to get a seat at the finish line.

This momentous victory for Stanford marks their 95th NCAA national championship, second only to UCLA, who has 100 NCAA national championships. Stanford is working hard every day to catch up to UCLA, but it will take hard work considering how much time and effort UCLA spends in the vital sports of women's softball (10) and gymnastics (5)  as well as men's tennis (16).

But I think Stanford just might have a chance as it strives for excellence in some of the fiercest and most competitive sports in college sports. You know, the big ones, like women's tennis (15), women's swimming and diving (8), and men's golf (8). But the big showdown will be in men's tennis as Stanford's 18 national championships go up against UCLA's 16.

Oh wait. No one gives a shit.

Look, congrats to Arianna Lambie and the rest of the Stanford women's cross-country team. You guys did a great job and I don't want to take anything away from you. It's tough to win a national championship in any sport, and women's cross-country (or any of the other sports I have mentioned so far) is no different.

However, don't ever come up to me and tell me that Stanford has the second best athletic tradition of any school in the country. UCLA and Stanford, do you honestly think that this list really is a who's who of the best athletic programs in the nation? Oklahoma State has the fourth best athletic program of any school in the country? No. Not at all. I wouldn't even put them in the top four in the Big 12. Meanwhile, where the hell are Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Alabama, Florida or Tennessee?

Additionally, keep this in mind: NCAA national championships do not include football national championships since the championship selection is done through the BCS.

Hey UCLA, you know what is a more impressive number than 100? 11. 11 basketball national championships. Or maybe 10 basketball titles in 12 years under John Wooden? That's ridiculous how good that is. Or how about 88 consecutive games won in basketball? All amazing stats, and the only number I ever hear from Bruins is 100 NCAA national championships. Guess what, I don't give a shit about 68 of them.

Hey Stanford, you know what is a more impressive number than 95? Two of them: 24 and 23. 24 points scored against my beloved Trojans and 23 points allowed by the same Trojans. I'm impressed by that. Not by 95 NCAA national championships though. 17 of them are legit and very impressive, the other 78? Not so much.

College sports can be boiled down to a handful of sports, and even here I'm being pretty liberal with what I'm allowing. In order of importance: football, men's basketball, baseball, men's hockey, men's water polo, men's volleyball, and I'll throw in rugby because Cal needs something that they can win at. Now I'm not trying to take anything away from men's gymnastics or any of the women's sports, but men are genetically superior to women. You can't argue with science.

Additionally, you should be proud of every single victory by a team that represents your school, all the way down to your women's chess team to your blasian dance troupe to yes, your Pac-8 club hockey team. However, don't ever tell me for a second that you're going to base who has the better athletic program and who is "#1" based on such trivial sports where your school is one of only four or five other schools that can field a team.

And yes, I do realize that USC (even without football) is #3 on that list of NCAA national championships with 84. But I am willing to invoke a strict double-standard here and say it's only cool when my school does it. But for the rest of you, it doesn't count.

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Weekend Update

With no time to spare, since the weekend has already technically ended and I could be posting in detail on more things. Here's a quick look at all the sports-related incidents that happened over the past weekend that people care about.

College Football:

- #2 Oregon going down wasn't enough for you, College Football Gods? You just needed to have another top 5 fall? That's right, Oklahoma took another tumble to an unranked team this year (see Stupid Colorado Fans storm the Stupid Colorado field after Stupid Colorado's football team). This time it was Graham Harrell and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, located in good ole Lubbock Texas. Did you know Buddy Holly's from there (and my bud Jesse Tow)? Anyway, Oklahoma started off strong with a pretty sick INT return for a Touchdown, but unfortunately Sam Bradford got destroyed on his first play of the game after his tailback fumbled, and he wasn't able to return. Neither was Oklahoma, falling 34-27
- Kansas and Missouri both won, setting up a Big 12 showdown of #2 v. #4 (thanks a lot for ruining the consecutive numbers, WVU). It's a matchup with major national title implications. And people still don't care!
- Some dude on Ohio State named Chris Wells owned Michigan's defense, running all over them to lead his team to at least Pasadena with a 14-3 win. I would've caught the game only it started at 9 a.m. Pacific time. THANKS A LOT FOR FINISHING THE GAME BEFORE I WOKE UP, ASSHOLES.
- Cal continued to prove itself a force of ineptitude, this time fellating the Washington Huskies in a loss. In a game that featured the same clip of a floating bridge and Dan Fouts announcing, I came closer to suicide watching this on Saturday than I ever have in my life.
- LSU started a live tiger on offense to destroy its opponent.

Professional Football:

- After the most preposterous of field goal kicks was ruled "no-good," then changed to "good," then changed back to "WHO THE FUCK CARES THIS IS THE BROWNS v. RAVENS!!!" If you do care...the Browns ended up winning the game to go to 6-4.
- Brett Favre is old but still winning games. Remember when There's Something About Mary had just come out?
- All other NFL recaps of other teams are unnecessary this season because the New England Patriots are performing crimes against humanity in every game. Today they pooped all over the Buffalo Bills (without Marshawn Lynch, clearly the reason for their loss), scoring on 7 consecutive drives in the first half, eventually winning 56-10. Brady hooked up with Moss 4 times in the first half, their defense was solid throughout, and so they decided to just sit around and do Mad Libs for the rest of the game (Not Bill Belichick. He's incapable of laughter). Although it might not look like anything can stop them, history has shown us that sometimes things don't turn out as they should. With the 0-10 Dolphins on their schedule in the second to last week, we may see the marquee win Cam Cameron's been looking for this season. Also the first win he's been looking for. Or we might just see more pooping on other teams from New England.

Professional Basketball (Nothing to report yet on College Basketball except that Stanford got upset, which is always funny to a Cal fan):

- Much like their New England counterparts (you'll remember that every sports related thing in Boston has been going pretty damn well lately), the Boston Celtics are dominating the NBA. Whenever hot chicks are wearing your stuff again, your team is doing well. Unfortunately they suffered their first loss of the season Sunday night to Orlando, but to their credit it was only by two points. If this was last year it would pain me to see the Celtics doing so well, but...
- LAKERS LAKERS LAKERS!!! Off to a 6-3 start in a season which many thought would be pathetic and devoid of a man named Kobe Bryant, the Lakers have been one of the most pleasant surprises for a Lakers fan. A surprise comparable to if you actually got one of those Lexuses with a bow on top of it for Christmas. Not only has Kobe been playing fantastic, but the ensemble cast has shown it can hold its own. I finally got to catch my first glimpse of the Lakers on TV on Friday against Detroit, and they look pretty damn good. Walton's playing like he actually deserved that contract, some of the youngin's (Whose names I am yet to learn. Wait till winter break) are kicking major ass, and Ronny Turiaf is Mufasa. Unfortunately Kwame Brown is still on the team, but nobody's perfect. But Hey, they beat the Bulls tonight. So much for Kobe wanting to play there now! All we have to do is wait for the Lakers to realize it's the middle of the season and collapse back into place like the past two years.
- Some other teams probably won, but they either feature players on the verge of crying, Nazis, or Canadians on their teams.

Baseball:

- Mariano Rivera is back with the Yankees. Great Rivera, you're just going to delay Joba Chamberlain's rise to power another year or so. Way to be a douchepickle.
- Tom Glavine is coming full circle back to his happy days with the Braves. Unfortunately for him, he's washed up. Let's hope he doesn't have to retire midseason.

MLS:

- Houston Dynamo repeat as MLS champions. They beat the New England Revolution. I take back what I said about every team in the Boston area being the best at sports. Extra points for anyone who can tell me what a Dynamo is who isn't in engineering or a physicist.

NASCAR:

-Jimmie Johnson wins something. The only person who cares is Tim. Nerd.

What to be excited for this week:

- A pretty good matchup of Arizona State v. USC on Thursday. Both teams were on bye last week, and the Pac-10 title will pretty much be decided with this game.
- A not so funtastic matchup of Boise State v. Hawaii on Friday. In a year filled with Cinderella teams, there will be no BCS David v. Goliath story this time. Sorry Chris Peterson, we can't have it happen again.
- THANKSGIVING! Enjoy yourself a wonderful Madden Turducken!

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In Memoriam: Attractive Uniforms

Classy, simple, and strong. Those are words you want to describe your uniform. Not gaudy, schizophrenic, and it looks like you're wearing a bra.

We've seen it all so far this year in college football. From awful retro jerseys to disgusting new ones to the horrible overuse of the color yellow to one asinine paint job on the field. In a sport where tradition is everything and current students and alumni alike get all riled up to play a team you've been battling since the 1920's, it is sad to see so many schools try to update their look and in the process one of the only good things they had going for them. However, that's not to say that when it comes to uniforms, old means good. Far from it. (I'm looking at you Cal and Notre Dame.)

This isn't Uniwatch, and I haven't followed every last detail and change in stitching pattern for every Division Bowl Subdivision 1-A Conference team, the following is simply an assortment of some of the unfortunate things I've seen this year in terms of bad uniforms.

These New Jerseys Are as Beautiful as... New Jersey.

Okay so let's say you're a designer and are in charge of designing the new threads for a local university's football team. What do you do?

A) Tweak the current jerseys to update them while keeping the tradition.

B) Start from scratch, designing the jerseys for both form and function.

C) Drink water from your septic tank, eat a box of crayons and then throw up on the drawing board. And then turn that in as your design.

If you're a designer in the state of Oregon, you've obviously picked C. (For those of you keeping score at home, the answer is anything you can think of that is not option C.) The folks at Nike produced the lovely assortment of Oregon Ducks unis last year. Not to be outdone, in-state rivals Oregon State came out with equally hideous jerseys this year. When these two play in the Civil War (Honestly? You guys weren't even a state during the Civil War. Hell I'm not even confident that you guys were a territory at the time.) I think I'm going to die a little inside watching two of the worst uniforms in college football play each other.

Mellow Yellow

Many schools use yellow, gold, or some variation of it in their school colors. And guess what? It's awesome. Look at how great Michigan or USC's jerseys look with yellow trim. Or how about Boston College and Notre Dame with gold accents and accessories. Beautiful stuff in my opinion.

Umm here's the problem with yellow. Some schools think yellow is such a good color, that they decide to use it as the primary color in their jerseys. The results are disastrous. I feel like more teams have fallen into this trap than years past. I've seen Cal, West Virginia, and Minnesota all get rocked by the brilliant idea to make yellow the main color of their jerseys. Tsk tsk. The LA Lakers are the only team in sports that can pull of an all yellow jersey. No one else should try else they risk such folly.

They Got Rid of Those Jerseys For a Reason

I love it when teams use throw-back jerseys. I think it's cool and you get to see some classic unis in all their majesty. That being said, there are some ass ugly retro jerseys and some dumb ass ways of using them.

We'll start with exhibit A: Notre Dame. They have one of the classiest and most traditional jerseys in college football. They also have some cool throwback jerseys. And yet they decide to pick these ones. Additionally, by declaring that they would wear the jerseys for the USC game before the season started, they guaranteed themselves a loss. This psychological ploy may have amped the Notre Dame players right after it was announced, but it's a rivalry game, why aren't your players getting excited regardless? This also made USC want to bitch-slap Jabba Weis and his poorly dressed team.

Conversely, there's Cal. Perfect use of the throwback, poor choice of throwback. Calvin, our resident Cal student, was a huge fan of the throwbacks, but he's not writing this post, so fuck him. The jersey itself is ugly and extremely dated, not a good combo for a jersey. However, I will give Cal props for their use of the jersey. It was a big game for them and they kept it secret until the team took the field. The crowd went crazy when they saw the threads, and there was electricity in the stadium. Cal had momentum before the coin flip! Well done in that regard. Unfortunately for them, the ploy couldn't make up for their best player disappearing, their QB making huge mental errors, and their general inability to stop big ol' Chauncey Washington. (FYI, I was standing in line next to Chauncey at Chipotle today.)

And lastly...

Dude How Did You Ever Think That Was a Good Idea?

This one is not related to football jerseys. It is however related to both football fields and basketball jerseys. I am referring to this. UCLA, in commemoration of the fact that they are the first university too win 100 NCAA national championships  (don't get me started on what a bullshit thing that is to brag about) have decided to paint the letter "C" in UCLA gold on both their football field and their basketball jerseys.

Now I've got beef with UCLA jerseys, mostly because I'm biased and I think that jerseys and logos and mascots should be intimidating and strong, but I honestly think that their basketball jerseys and all that shit is decently attractive. What is not attractive is having the rest of the country think you ran out of paint when painting your school's letters on the football field. It's not symmetrical, it looks out of place and haphazard, and it fucks with classy tradition. All no-no's.

UCLA design folk: You guys are dbags. You do your university shame.

So yeah that's that. I'm sure there will be further atrocities from the time I write this article until the end of college football season, but it hurts my eyes to look, so maybe if I write this now, no other teams will wander out onto the field looking like they were dress by a blind Liberace.

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Go Crazy Tuscon!

I'll be honest, I'm not 100% UofA is actually in Tuscon, and I've been on campus for a weekend. That'll give you an idea of how memorable and exciting that place is.

It's literally like all the stereotypes. I saw cacti and tumbleweeds everywhere, and I'm pretty sure my friend stole one of those cattle skulls you always see in cartoons. I kept waiting for the roadrunner to whiz by the Dunkin' Donuts there.

Anyway, that aside, I will say that no one rushes the field quite like the Wildcat fans do. (See: Arizona vs. Cal last year, Arizona vs. Oregon this year at the bottom of the post.) Hell they even rushed the field against UCLA on homecoming this year! Yeah, it was an upset, but UCLA wasn't even ranked!

The 'Cats have so much experience that everyone in the student section knows the standard operating procedure: climb over the railings onto the field at the end of the 3rd quarter (at least that's the way it seemed), get uncomfortably close to Mike Stoops and try to get him to call your plays/sign your boobs, and then have every man, woman, and child swarm the field the second the game ends.

Big props to the guy at the 1:30 mark that rushes the field hopping on one leg while swinging his crutches around in the air.

Oh and because it's physically impossible for me to think about anything outside of how it affects the Trojans, thanks to Arizona I've become an Oregon State fan because USC needs to not only win out, but get either the Beavers or the Bruins to beat Oregon in order to send the Men of Troy to the Rose Bowl with at least a share of the Pac-10 title. Honestly, UCLA has a better chance to beat Oregon, but that violates my morals to root for them, and I don't want to rely on the UCLA Jekyll and Hydes for anything since they have even odds of beating Oregon by 74 and suffering the same fate as Shasta the Cougar.

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It's not Baseball season...It's DUCK HUNTING SEASON

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: BARRY BONDS INDICTED! FACES 4 COUNTS OF PERJURY AND 1 COUNT OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. COULD FACE UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON!
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ SIGNS RECORD 10 YEAR CONTRACT WITH YANKEES WORTH 275 MILLION DOLLARS! INCENTIVES INCLUDED IF HE BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD!!!

Yet after watching Sportscenter for the 5th time this past night, I'm kind of tired of these stories (It's that point where I can repeat all the jokes Scott Van Pelt will make, and know what clips they're showing). Plus Ken beat me to the punch on the Barry Bonds indictment, and I'm still trying to formulate an angle on the ARod signing, but really hoping someone else does something. However, if you live on the east coast, then you might not have stayed up late enough to see the last bit of Thursday night's breaking news trifecta.

Yup, another fucking #2 ranked team fell for the umpteenth time during this college football season. And this time it was those retard ducks from Eugene. There are 14 weeks in the regular season. 5 different teams have fallen from the #2 ranking through 12 weeks, all to unranked opponents. Is it possible we can bump it up to 7 and go .500 for the season on #2 upsets?

I walked out Thursday afternoon for classes not able to catch the end of College Football Live when Robert Smith made his pick on the Oregon/Arizona game. I was hoping he'd have enough brains/testicular fortitude to go with Arizona, the team with a more impressive record in November than USC's 234,581-0 record under Pete Carroll. Arizona had gone 3 straight Novembers knocking off a ranked team. A shit school that's only good at basketball (I'm looking at you too, UCONN) has knocked teams out of the national picture, with Arizona State in 2004, UCLA in 2005, Washington State and Cal (gulp) in 2006. So what's to say they wouldn't do it for a 4th month? Well, besides Robert Smith and the majority of the country, both who didn't think this through though and picked Oregon. Congratulations idiots. You picked a team with history not on its side. And with a water fowl as its mascot.

All my doubts about the Arizona curse were practically assuaged after Oregon's opening drive. Dennis Dixon (an Iguana right down to the lips, teeth, tongue, and green suit) on 4th and 3 found a 6 lane freeway devoid of traffic to scamper on down into the endzone. But being the cocky douchebags that Oregon's team is -- remember how you lost to Cal? Yeah, look where we are now! -- they went for 2. On the OPENING PLAY! Where have we seen such skullduggery and full-on-wankery before?

Meanwhile Arizona looked like it has the other months, sucking it up and punting away, and Oregon was driving again looking like a #2 team. And that's when things started to crumble. Iguana-man was intercepted in the endzone (granted his receiver showed the same hands as Kwame Brown) which was eventually converted for a touchdown. This wasn't a real blow to the Ducks, but they would eventually end up the lame ducks (get it?!??!). On an option play Dixon decided to keep it and roll out left from the pocket, only to fall down untouched and crumple into a symbolic heap of crushed Heisman Trophy and BCS title dreams. Watch the replay. You can hear my roommate going "OUCH. He just destroyed his MCL. Happened to me once, and it killed me. He's gone."

It wasn't just the Reptile that was gone. That play literally caused Oregon to implode. If you were to write out the equation, it would look like this:

Team Centered Around Really Good Athlete - Really Good Athlete = Average Team at Best.

So without their offensive centerpiece, in came Brady Leaf (harbinger of mediocrity and interceptions...AKA not Heisman Frontrunner), and out came Antoine Cason and the Wildcats ready to rip out the hearts of the Ducks. Unfortunately the Oregon Ducks don't have hearts, so Arizona had to settle for an annihilation instead, taking a 17 point lead at the half and ultimately winning 34-24.

With Oregon's collapse, we're at 5 for fallen #2's. What's more distressing about that #2 statistic is that 3 of those 5 teams are in the Pac-10. And my Golden Bears are the only ones who are completely out of a BCS bid (sigh). ASU is in control of the Pac-10 title right now, but they've got Rudy Carpenter as QB. Translation: Fucked. When USC beats them, it'll launch Oregon back into the Rose Bowl bid if UO wins out. Translation: USC kinda Fucked (unless they can do this again). The only hope for USC is that Dennis Dixon is in fact dead or terminally ill, because that will mean a member of the Brady will have to play QB again. Translation: Anyone related to Ryan Leaf is genetically bad at sports related activities.

I feel bad because a Pac-10 team will no longer compete for the BCS national title. And I was going to enjoy saying "Hey look, Oregon lost to us. And my neighbor's Alex Mack!" Now I just get to go "Oregon sucks," while I pray to god that we don't see LSU v. Kansas in a national title game. However, this'll put Tim Tebow (aka that guy who makes every damn shot in beirut games) back into the Heisman race. Clearly with all those statistics he's accumulating, he deserves it over Dixon who's just had praise -- some deserved, most not -- heaped on him by analysts and ESPN everywhere. Sorry, stupid fucking Iguana.

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And to think, I thought we were going to have get him on tax evasion...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

HA.

HAHA.

Go fuck yourself Barry Bonds.

You had this coming and you deserve any punishment you get. Any man that cheats his ways to two of the most storied records in sports (HR season, HR career) and dethrones one of the classiest men in baseball history (Hank Aaron), while simultaneously being a complete and utter jackass to his fans, fellow players, and the media has to have karma barreling towards him like a ICBM missile. (Yeah don't ask, we just covered the SALT treaties in my foreign policy class, so I've got missiles on the brain.)

The article I read on Bonds' indictment says that he could go to prison for up to 30 years on five counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, and lying before a grand jury. (How is lying before a grand jury different than perjury?)

Obviously, there's no way he'll go to prison for 30 years. He won't go to prison for more than 2 years, and the only way he'll see any prison time is if the judge is a Dodger fan. Regardless, this is a victory for justice, equality, the American way, and apple pie.

Ever since I was a little kid watching Gretzky do wizardry with a hockey puck, and Magic and Showtime perform Cirque de Soleil on the basketball court, I have been in awe of athletes and sports in general. The drama was pure and raw. But steroids has ruined a lot of that for me. It's like going from watching Lost to watching Temptation Island.

But if Barry Bonds spends just one day in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass-prison, my childhood sports innocence can be restored.

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School Spirit, Hooray

Ah, college sports [*Note: By college sports, I am of course only referring to football, (men's) basketball, and (men's) hockey (I'll throw (men's) lacrosse in there even though they're not in season), anyone who takes pride in their school being good at something else needs to re-evaluate their life (I'm looking at you, UCLA, women's sports extraordinaire), as no other sports bring the excitement that these do. Fact.]. How I love thee. And yes, I swore off college football, but come on, you didn't ACTUALLY think I would stop paying attention, did you? Besides, my Oregon-Kansas BCS championship pick, made when they were at #'s 5 and 10, respectively, isn't looking that ridiculous anymore is it?

But I'm not here to talk about things on a national landscape. Because in the end, it isn't really about winning championships (False, it is about winning championships, but for the purposes of this article, bear with me), it's just the atmosphere created on campus by these sports.* A recent slate of exciting sporting events took/is taking place here at Miami, and our school dubbed it "Super Fan Week," lasting from last Friday through tonight, and what a week it has been.

Things started out on Friday night with a hockey game against Notre Dame. It was our first home game as the #1 team in the nation this season, which made it all the more disappointing to come out on the losing end of a 2-1 game in which we outplayed them by far. However, Nathan Davis, who is one of our best players and was a popular preseason pick to win the Hobey Baker (hockey's version of the Heisman), returned to action after separating his shoulder in the first game of the season. He also scored our lone goal, so I guess you could say that was the silver lining in our first loss of the season.

The Saturday night game was a totally different story, as Miami came out firing early and often, quickly jumping to a 2-0 lead and eventually winning 3-1, enough to maintain the #1 spot in the polls. The "Super Fans" were out in full force that night, full of "Notre Douchebags," "God Sucks," and "Air Force" chants (Notre Dame football had suffered an embarrassing loss to Air Force earlier that day), helping cheer their team to victory.

On Tuesday night our basketball team opened its season with a 59-57 victory over Xavier, who is by no means a bad basketball team. You'll recall last season's NCAA tournament in which eventual finalist Ohio State needed a couple miracles to beat Xavier and got all of them. An interesting note from the game: Only four players combined for our 59 points, and one of those players had 5. So essentially, an injury can absolutely ruin our season. But for now, undefeated! Also, this seems like a good place to throw this video in, just because.

Tonight "Super Fan Week" concludes with a national broadcast (ESPN2, 7:30 EST) of our football game vs. Akron, which means Lou Holtz and Mark May are most likely currently at my school. Perhaps I can make my way up to the press box tonight and ask Lou Holtz for a personal pep talk on what to do about my geology class. Anyway, a win tonight (coupled with a likely Bowling Green loss to Buffalo this weekend, or if we win next week) will put us in the MAC championship game, with a January bowl game on the line. (You read that right. The International Bowl is in January.)

So what am I really trying to do with this post, other than tell you about how my school's sports programs suddenly don't look like shit? Well, nothing, really. That's about it. I suppose you could try to apply these to your own school. Support your teams, even when they lose, because they're probably more pissed off than you are, and try to remember that they're just college kids. That being said, feel free to lay the points tonight and take the RedHawks and the under.

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Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! BEAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Joe Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

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I said College Football, not Rationality!

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