A Letter to College Football

Dear College Football,

First off, I would like to thank you for being so amazing for nearly 140 years now. Many people complain about college football because you takes up too much of an athletic department's budget, or because your players are sometimes treated like professional athletes, with the "special benefits" they receive. But I have always defended you, because I know that you, America's true pastime, are deeply entrenched in the fabric of our history.

And going along with that, college football has always held a special place in all of our hearts because of the upset. America loves an underdog. Ever since our boys in blue defeated the heavily-favored lobsterbacks, the upset has become a great American tradition. Everyone (except for the fans of the favored team, of course) gets that incredible rush of joy when the unranked team with nothing to lose topples the mighty BCS giant. And the upsets over the years, as there have been many, and there will be many more in future years, have been oh-so-amazing, and I thank you for them.

The beauty of the upset is that it is unexpected. Frequent post-game comments from the winning coach in an upset: "Nobody believed in us except the guys in that locker room." "They said we couldn't do it. Look at us now!" "They got all the coverage, but we got the win." etc. And upsets don't come around too often, so that way, when they do, it remains special.

However, that brings me now to this, the 2007 college football season.

You have clearly realized that we love the upsets, so this season, you thought, in your infinite wisdom, that you would bless us with upset after upset after upset! And you wouldn't ease us into it, with a few minor upsets to start the season, and then getting progressively more ridiculous. No, you started us with a 1-AA (excuse me, National Football Championship Subdivision of Anaheim AA Playoff System Conference) team knocking off a top-5 squad that many picked as a trendy National Championship contender. This was quickly followed by more top 10 teams falling, one after another. It got to the point where everyone expected at least one top 10 team to lose every week.

And that was it. Bam. When we expect the upset, it is no longer really an upset, is it? You knew someone was going down this week. And while Florida beating Kentucky isn't that much of an upset (Florida has now won 21 straight against them), didn't you just kinda sense that Steve Spurrier's Gamecocks weren't going to fare too well against Vanderbilt? Oklahoma looked vulnerable against a bad Iowa State team. LSU needed a last second TD pass to keep them from losing two straight. But again, when we expect the top teams to lose every week, is it really that exciting when they do?

I'm afraid I'd have to say "no" to that question. In your great attempt to please us, College Football, you have let teams stumble in to the top 10, who, not sure how to react, quickly panic and lose to teams that they shouldn't be losing to. And so, College Football, as it is only a matter of time before Ohio State and Boston College lose, I'm going to have to say that I'm done. I can't take it any more. Too many upsets, to much predictable unpredictability, I feel like I'm in some sick episode of the Twilight Zone. The upsets you have bestowed upon us are nice, but we are now legitimately looking at a possible Kansas-Oregon national championship. There's no way these are the two best teams in the country. Just let me know when it's Bowl Season, and I'll be back. You know I can't resist that. At that point the rankings will be set, the dust will have settled, and the teams can play for hardware. But I'm afraid I just can't handle this roller coaster ride any longer.

You may be asking yourself, "Well what the hell else are you going to do?" and I am glad you asked it. The college hockey season is hitting full stride, and (Note: Shameless Miami University plug here) Miami University, a school I happen to attend, is ranked #2 in the country, possibly #1 after this weekend.

And hey, in case you didn't notice, which you probably didn't because there are in fact zero NHL games televised, the professional hockey season started, and I'm just going to let this video sum up why I love hockey:



So don't worry College Football. I appreciate your effort, I really do, but it's just too much right now. I'll miss you, but I think I'll get on alright. See you in December.

Love,

Tim

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TGIF

I found myself on Friday night sitting and watching the thrilling giants of the Big East duke it out. Yeah, that's right...UCONN and L'Ville (in the battle for the coolest school abbreviation). Does anyone else think that Carson Palmer is Brian Brohm's older brother? Or is it just me? Anyway, as topsy-turvy as this college football season's been, Louisville continued to succeed at being a big disappointment. Wait, you just lost to a perennial basketball school? I guess beating Wake Forest last year took too much gas out of the tank. Probably the epitomy of how dull this game was was in the marching bands. Or lack thereof. Way to go UCONN, your stadium's pump-up system was playing Welcome to the Jungle on third down plays. Congratulations.

I didn't have internet for the past two days, so I didn't get to check my Yahoo! Email (and I obviously didn't get to post ). If you don't use it, let me tell you that it is pretty much off the hook. Check it out. You'll notice that there are always four very intriguing stories on the main page. Usually one's entertainment related, which is always off-the-hook (Note how good that song is in the background). One's about how to fix your failing relationship (which is failing so badly that you're turning to the internet for ways to cure it) or your health. One's a feature article about something funny...like this one about Neanderthals! And the last is usually sports related -- dumbed down enough to cater to idiots.

As a side note, these stories tend to make people into bigger idiots. Like this one. Seriously? I know there's slim pickings this Friday night (see ESPN's coverage), but you chose to report about Josh Beckett's ex-girlfriend? Come on (Granted, she's FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE).I must admit I'm not a hockey fan, so I don't know what's going on with the NHL much. However, those sportscenter highlights of Sidney Crosby and the Penguins game were pretty amazing. Regardless, there was very little going on in sports on this Friday night. I think Tim's post on Joe Torre pretty much summed it up. As such, I really just used this post as an excuse to include a link to the funniest Yahoo! feature I've seen in a long time. Way to go J.K. Rowling. We knew Lance Bass had to be gay. But Dumbledore? That's even bigger! I think by far my favorite line is at the very end, in which Rowling notes that Christian groups believe her books promote witchcraft.............................Do they now?

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BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN

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College Football Picks!....The World Has Gone Mad

Okay so if you haven't been paying attention to college football recently, let me just fill you in on a few happenings.

1. Top 25 Debacle: It started with Michigan losing to Div. 1-AA App. State and has only continued with nine other top 10 teams losing to unranked teams (including USC losing to Stanford). The madness continued Thursday night with #2 USF (wtf?) losing to unranked Rutgers on a series of ridiculous fakes.

2. Wide-Open Heisman Race: Some of the top preseason Heisman candidates (Booty, Slanton, White, Henne, Brohm, Ainge) have been underwhelming to say the least at have been leading teams performing far below expectations. This has led to a pretty wide-open race (which is a total shock compared to the last few years where we pretty much knew who was going to win three games into the season). I stand by the fact that I have just as good a chance as anyone else to win the Heisman this year (it would be a nice addition to the dorm room I think).

P.S. That is not a photo of me, just some dude that has put up numbers that are equally as impressive as any other Heisman candidate.

3. Notre Dame Are Noobs: I know that I have displayed on numerous occasions my incredible distaste for the Irish, but honestly, Notre Dame are noobs. 1-6 start to the season? Ouch. See my "Where Is Your God Now?" article for a more in-depth look at Notre Dame.

With this in mind, let's take a look at the wacky world of college football in this week's "COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS SPONSORED BY BEE MOVIE SPONSORED BY THE NEW 2008 FORD F-150 WITH THE STEWART/COLBERT '08 DORITOS NACHO CRUNCH EXPLOSION HALF-TIME SHOW!"

Michigan State @ #1 Ohio State: Columbus is one of the

toughest places in the nation to play. Ohio State is clearly the better team and has started to gel quite nicely. They are motivated by their embarrassing loss in the BCS title game to the Gators last year and have their eyes fixated on winning a national championship.

Prediction: Michigan State 27 - Ohio State 24. I have no explanation for my prediction, and it is completely illogical. That

doesn't mean it's not a lock to happen. I'm predicting Dantonio goes deep into the playbook and pulls the ol' King of the Hill pooch punt while in the red zone. Ohio State is so baffled that they accidentally touch the ball, but MSU recovers in the end zone for the win as time expires.

#17 Auburn @ #4 LSU: LSU can easily bounce back from a loss to UK and win the national title, but they face a tough Auburn team that has a kicker majoring in Upsets Studies with a minor in Mocking the Opposing Fans. Bad joke and taunting Gator chomp aside, this should be a fun match up. They say you don't really know the caliber of a team until you see them fight through adversity (actually I have no clue they say, this is right up there with the "the best offense is a good defense" or vise versa thing that I still am not sure which way it goes). Regardless, let's see how LSU faces adversity.

Prediction: LSU's mascot, Mike VI who happens to be a real

tiger, breaks out of his cribs-esque 15,000 ft. mansion and attacks Auburn's mascot, Aubie, who is in fact not a real tiger. Auburn plays the rest of the game like Russell Crowe in that one fight from Gladiator. Unlike Maximus Decimus Meridius (does anyone know what paperwork I have to fill out to legally change my name to that?), Auburn sucks and gets mauled. Mike VI picks

up SEC defensive player of the week honors with 6 sacks, 9 tackles, 2 forced fumbles, and 3 causes of death.

#15 Florida @ #7 Kentucky: UK is coming off a massive upset of LSU in a tough triple OT game, while Florida is 4-2 (2-2 in SEC play) and knows that one more loss, regardless of how bonkers this season has been, means that they aren't going to be playing for anything meaningful for the rest of the season.

Prediction: Rich Brooks spends the entire first half desperately rubbing an oil lamp in the hope that his genie will come out again, only to realize after Florida is up 30 going into the the break that he has in fact used up all three of his wishes. (I wish we had a quarterback that defies physics and is a genetic freak of nature, I wish that we could pull off a massive upset on national TV, I wish that every other sports team in the state of Kentucky sucked so that people would be forced to pay attention to us.) Tim Tebow and his new line of jorts scores 9 TDs and scores the phone number from 38 hot Southern belles in the crowd.

#12 Cal @ UCLA: What a bummer for both teams. Funny thing that my friend Chance pointed out about this game, if Cal won against the Beavers last Saturday and UCLA isn't retarded (and when I say retarded, I don't mean stupid, I mean like downs syndrome) and doesn't lose to two significantly inferior opponents in Utah and Notre Dame, then this would be #1 Cal vs. #2 UCLA and both would be happily laughing their way to BCS bids as they notice how much better they're doing than USC. Instead, this game is just depressing for both sides.

Prediction: Unlike my other picks, I'm gonna take the science out of this one. I always enjoy seeing UCLA lose, but then again misery loves company and the thought of Cal being a much better football team than USC is annoying and keeps me up at night. However, my buddy Cal and his friends are coming into town to go to the game, so I'm gonna say the Golden Bears win when Karl Dorrell's conservative play-calling decides to punt the ball on 1st down with the lead and 10 seconds left in the game, allowing DeSean Jackson (did you know he was a USC fan as a kid? fuckin' a) to Soulja Boy his ass into the end zone for the win. Every student at UCLA has an aneurysm.

#14 USC @ Notre Dame: Average ticket price for this game is $500. I'm sorry, but who the hell is paying $500 to watch a 1-6 team take on a team that has been overrated since the beginning of the season and has proceeded to put in pathetic performance after pathetic performance? Charlie Cheeseburger has made the first intelligent move of the season by starting Evan Sharpley instead of Jimmy "Chucky" Clausen at QB. Meanwhile USC is losing men left and right (even my buddy on the scout team's O-line is injured). In related news, if you're a student or professor at USC and aren't busy on Saturday, Coach Carroll would like to know what your jersey size and 40 time is. Something just smells fishy about this game.

Prediction: My international relations teacher, Prof. Lamy predicted that USC would lose 28-24 after being up 24-0 harkening back to 1974 when USC won 55-24 after trailing Notre Dame 24-0 with 10 seconds left in the first half. I think Prof. Lamy is right (how's the grading of my paper going? wink wink nudge nudge), but the incredible Irish comeback will be even more epic than USC's in '74. After several unsuccessful attempts to kill the Trojans (this is the power that is possible when an entire college campus prays for the exact same thing), God successfully smites Pete Carroll and the remaining healthy players we have with a lightning storm. Students are called from the visiting student section to take to the field to defend the lead. Our mascot Traveler lines up in the backfield as tailback and manages to tear through the defensive line as USC attempts to run out the clock, but fumbles the ball into the hands of the Irish (oh you damn hooves!) who return the fumble for the game winning touchdown. Pope Benedict then canonizes Charlie Weiss in a long and drawn out post-game ceremony. Every Catholic in the nation cries foul on Sunday when Notre Dame is not ranked in the top 5.

So there you go. Might at well start putting money on these games based on my predictions (it's not like any one else knows what the fuck is going on in college football anyway). You also might as well mortgage your house right now.

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Rumor: Kobe cleans shit out of his locker (gets rid of gross smell that's been lingering)

The scoop I’m getting from my sources in Los Angeles (hopefully Ken can verify this) is that Kobe has cleaned out his locker. Here's a list of some of the major htings that're gone:
- Some Axe deodorant. Even Kobe uses that stuff.
- Some old ticket stubs from Shrek 2.
- A bus fare (who uses the bus in Los Angeles??!)
- Shoes that don’t fit anymore. HE GREW?!
- A "Guide to the Good Life" LA Edition
- The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
- A few old pizza boxes, presumably that he and Lamar Odom ate after the Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last May.
- Old photos of him and Shaq together, memories of when the Lakers were a "good team" that won "Championships."
- A half-eaten pink's hot dog.
- VHS cassette of 2000 Game 7 Western Conference Finals
- Unused Airline Tickets from this past summer to Chicago, Dallas, Phoenix, and Washington D.C.
- A bag of cocaine, apparently a gag gift to Vlade Divac which was never given.
- Sasha Vujajic.
- A douche.

Word has it that he’s finally shredded all those documents from the rape in Colorado case. I guess he’s finally found some other form of motivation to play well than the fact some girl wouldn’t want to have sex with Kobe.

“What do you think led me to score 81 points during that game against the Raptors? I just went back to the locker at halftime and read the legal ledger. Then when I came back out on the court, I shouted ‘WHO WOULDN’T HAVE SEX WITH ME!’ whenever I took a shot,” said Number 24.

Also missing from his locker is his Playstation2; Phil Jackson believes he’s replacing it with a Playstation3, since the cost just went down.

“Supposedly the graphics on the PS3 are a lot better than that on the PS2. Whatever…Kobe’ll just lose in NBA Live08 in really high definition,” said the Zen Master.

Personally, I have a hunch that, since he’ll be nearly $40 million dollars poorer when he opts out of the last two years on his contract, he’s going to go with the cheaper Wii.

Oh yeah, and he’s finally thrown out all his Laker shit. That includes commitments to the team, fans, and city, too. What a fucker.

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Where Is Your God Now?

Oh Irish, you lovable optimists. You have to appreciate a school filled entirely with cheerleaders. Dirty, ugly, racist cheerleaders.

However, everyone, ND fans included, knew that this season was going to be a tough one. And thus, many Gold Domer Homers (yeah I know, it's catchy ain't it?) took a much more pessimistic and realistic view at the upcoming football season when writing in August. I have seen numerous "realistic and down to Earth" Notre Dame fans write something similar to this gem that was found on SI.com's FanNation section:

"Doubt it. 4-4 at worst. No way Georgia Tech or BC beats them.
IrishR#1 | 08/17/07"

Yes, that's right IrishR#1, worst-case scenario Notre Dame would be 4-4 to start this season.

Fast forward to today. Notre Dame is 1-6 (and would be 0-7 if UCLA wasn't coached by a god damn retard) going into this weekend's game against USC. Additionally, and I bet this wasn't in any worst-case scenario options, the entire program is imploding with numerous Weiss recruits jumping ship, Clausen getting his psyche irreparably damaged by being thrown to the lions when he wasn't ready, and former players and alumni cultivating a quiet coup d'etat against Charlie Cheeseburger.

Look forward to the game on Saturday. (Additionally I'm going to start taking yoga lessons so that I can stick my foot in my big stupid mouth when ND pulls off the upset against my Trojans. Because that's the way karma works. Additionally I hope you all appreciate my allusions to not one, but two Hindu practices during these parentheses. Yes, that was intentional. No, foot in mouth does not count as a Hindu practice.)

Big thanks to Trojan Wire for the video.

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I Stand By Kevin Riley

Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. And Cal losing.

In any other year if you wake up in the morning and see that the second ranked team in the country is the traditional football powerhouse that is California, you're probably still dreaming. Granted, the AP Poll this season has meant about as much as a valid form of ID at a foreign-owned liquor store. Fair-weather fans popped up everywhere, and everyone was in over their heads. But you knew it wouldn't last. I just didn't think it would end so soon.

At the game, we welcomed the alumni back with one of the scariest and most awesome "C-A-L GO BEARS!" I've ever heard. And the starting lineups looked great, because the monster Zach Follett (FIRE, RAGE, FURY) was back! But one thing that had slipped my mind after the bye-week was Longshore's sore ankle that he suffered during the Oregon game. I figured he would be fine since we had a bye, and the GameDay newspaper said that he was fine to play. So when they announced him as the starting QB, Strawberry Canyon had nothing to worry about. Right?



Everyone and their mothers could have told you Mark Sanchez was starting over John David Booty for SC this week. It was advertised by ESPN (continuing with their tradition of excellent press-coverage of the Pac-10), and we knew after that Booty had a broken finger. But when all signs point to Nate Longshore being in good enough shape to play -- even announcing him in the starting lineup -- you wouldn't expect switch to redshirt freshman Kevin Riley on the first play of the game. Tedford (Possible National Coach of the Year) pulled the rug out from under the faithful; I would've expected him to give the crowd (let alone the QB) a few days notice that we might not see Nate.

Due to the fact that Kevin Riley was thrown into this mess, things got off to a rocky start. Cal didn't convert during the first few drives, and the fans were really anxious. This was our homecoming game, and we weren't able to put away a team who's mascot was the Beavers and who's running back's name was Yvenson (All Pac-10 Sickest Name honors). But things started to come together during the second quarter, and you know what? Kevin Riley sure as hell didn't look like a redshirt freshman out there. He looked good, at times better than Longshore. Arguably the best play of the game came when Riley was wrapped up, yet managed to get a pass off which I thought would be called for intentional grounding. It found Craig Stevens (yes, he's in fact still on the team), who somehow CAUGHT IT and carried the Oregon State defense on his back to gain even more yardage.

Suddenly LSU had lost, and everyone in the student section started to jinx the game by chanting "WE'RE NUMBER 1!" That's when I knew we were lost. Even if Lavelle Hawkins can run in a touchdown to bring the game within three, and subsequently cause all of my blood vessels to explode. Even if the script was beautifully written like a Disney movie with the backup quarterback coming in to lead his team. That final drive was almost picturesque, and for a while there Riley had me believing. But this is Cal. It's not 1951. We aren't supposed to be ranked number 1. And when Tedford got greedy and left his field goal unit on the sidelines with 15 seconds left, it was game over.

ESPN and SI can rightfully (and will) criticize Cal's shortcomings all they want, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing for 294 yards. Cal students can make all these facebook groups to express all their frustration over the loss, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing 2 TDs and running in another. To quote Mike Gundy (the sworn protector of all collegiate athletes from this point forward), you don't go after a player who's a "good kid" for doing everything right. Sure, he made a mental error on the last play. But he's not the reason we lost. The game wasn't Riley's to decide. Cal has been touted as having some of the best offensive weapons in the nation with Jackson, Forsett, Hawkins, Jordan, Longshore, etc. So no one could blame it all on one individual's poor play. Cal AS A TEAM didn't come out and give it their all, and as such we aren't ranked number 1. But when Riley's tearing up defenses with that cannon during the next few years, you'll regret that you even considered blaming him -- a redshirt freshman, no less.

Most fans were searching for answers in general after the game (as well as lots of alcohol). How could we not capitalize and jump into number 1? How could we not stand up for the Pac-10 and stick it to Les Miles (Sidenote: Hats off to David Oda for that face he's making in this photo)? I'll admit that I was thinking about these same things. Since this SEC/Pac-10 debate started, I've hoped that Tedford could finally put Cal over the hump and make them a legitimate national title contender, and not just the "USC + 9 other schools" conference. This loss sort of derailed that spirit, but the fact that fans were thinking that in the first place is kind of comforting. It shows Tedford's been doing his job; there is a Cal football program, and students at this university care about it (fair-weather or not). The student section screamed its heart out last night, and all we got to show for it was an L and a bunch of sore throats. But I'm sure if you'd told a Cal fan in 2001 about what transpired over last night, and the possibilities that could have happened had Cal won, he would've laughed at your naivety. Told you to wake up. To stop dreaming. Maybe -- if he was angry -- to go fuck yourself.

And that's what many are inclined to do. This conversation with my friend Ethan after the game summed up what's gonna happen to a lot of the student body at Cal.

Me: "So...you got any plans tonight?"
Ethan: "I dunno. I have some homework to do and classes to catch up on. I'll probably just stay in and do that."
Me: "Yeah, I think that's a wise choice. I need to get back to earth."

But not me. Mr. Hypothetical 2001 Bears fan, after this heart-wrenching loss I'm awake, and I'm still a Cal fan. And maybe I'll see you next Saturday (if you shelled out the money to fly down to Pasadena).

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College Hockey. Get Into It.

For those of you not fortunate enough to have a division I ice hockey team...



Miami scores a goal, which means it's time for the students to sing the fight song and berate the opposing goalie.

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Who the fuck okayed this?

Let me start this post off with two statements:
1. I loved Seinfeld. It was one of the most brilliant shows in television history, and the writers are geniuses.
2. I didn't watch the NLCS because it was boooooooooooooooooooring. Except for the part where the Diamondback fans politely disagreed with a call for eight minutes. Video here. Does posting about something that is not even tangentially related to sports make me a bad sports blogger? No it doesn't. Who's the one with the blog here, asshole? Me and not you.

That being said, how many people does it take to ruin a glorious evening of My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock and the Office?
Two. One moronic television executive and one comedian that is apparently not making enough money off of royalties.

Every thirty or forty seconds during that two-hour span of television, I got an awesome sneak peak at the new Jerry Seinfeld film, Bee Movie sponsored by Ford! How efficient is America?We've developed the technology to show two commercials AT THE SAME TIME! Germans don't hold a candle to us. USA! USA! USA!

Okay so let's start out here. There are three horribly egregious and incredibly unkosher things about this.

1. Bees? Was Antz not enough of a hard-hitting movie? Who gives a shit about bees? Additionally, from the 98 previews I saw for it while watching TV tonight, it appears that this new movie is promoting a pro-bee propaganda and completely misrepresenting the dark truth about bees. I feel bad for the animators that had to do research for this film.

2. Jerry Seinfeld, what the fuck happened to you? How did you go from this to this? Where have you gone Jerry Seinfeld? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. What's that you say Larry David? Joltin' Little Jerry has left and gone away.

3. It wasn't enough have a bunch of long, annoying commercials for this crappy movie during the Office, NBC had to have the Bee Movie commercials advertised by ANOTHER COMPANY? Fuck this. I hate capitalism.

My roommate Ian pointed out that there is one minute possibility of this movie being moderately funny: If "B Movie" was a two hour inside joke about how the careers of Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zelwigger (probably not spelled right, but I don't care. come talk to me when you become a half-way decent actress) have gone into the shitter and are forced to do B films.

If Seinfeld wanted back onto TV and into the hearts and minds of the American viewers, then maybe Jack Donaghy had the right idea in mind...

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This is Why I Need to Start Gambling

So in my weekend review post, I mentioned the absurd nature of this NFL season. This unpredictability (See Philadelphia Eagles week 3: Win, 56-21; Philadelphia Eagles week 4: Lose, 16-3) makes me think that it would be damn near impossible to gamble on these games. Basically, you would have about as much luck picking these games as you would if you were a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football.

But alas, you do not have the luck of a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football, because a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football just won $548,532 by picking EVERY SINGLE GAME correctly this past weekend. If Buffalo recovers that onside kick, she doesn't win. If a few field goals have their courses changed, she doesn't win.

Well at least since she had some money riding on these games, she paid attention to them, right? "I fell asleep while the games were playing." Okay, maybe she was really tired after diligently looking up stats to aid her wither her predictions. "All I did was fill in the boxes. I remember thinking when I finished what a pretty pattern it made." Fuck it. This is what the NFL season has come to.

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