In Memoriam: Attractive Uniforms

Classy, simple, and strong. Those are words you want to describe your uniform. Not gaudy, schizophrenic, and it looks like you're wearing a bra.

We've seen it all so far this year in college football. From awful retro jerseys to disgusting new ones to the horrible overuse of the color yellow to one asinine paint job on the field. In a sport where tradition is everything and current students and alumni alike get all riled up to play a team you've been battling since the 1920's, it is sad to see so many schools try to update their look and in the process one of the only good things they had going for them. However, that's not to say that when it comes to uniforms, old means good. Far from it. (I'm looking at you Cal and Notre Dame.)

This isn't Uniwatch, and I haven't followed every last detail and change in stitching pattern for every Division Bowl Subdivision 1-A Conference team, the following is simply an assortment of some of the unfortunate things I've seen this year in terms of bad uniforms.

These New Jerseys Are as Beautiful as... New Jersey.

Okay so let's say you're a designer and are in charge of designing the new threads for a local university's football team. What do you do?

A) Tweak the current jerseys to update them while keeping the tradition.

B) Start from scratch, designing the jerseys for both form and function.

C) Drink water from your septic tank, eat a box of crayons and then throw up on the drawing board. And then turn that in as your design.

If you're a designer in the state of Oregon, you've obviously picked C. (For those of you keeping score at home, the answer is anything you can think of that is not option C.) The folks at Nike produced the lovely assortment of Oregon Ducks unis last year. Not to be outdone, in-state rivals Oregon State came out with equally hideous jerseys this year. When these two play in the Civil War (Honestly? You guys weren't even a state during the Civil War. Hell I'm not even confident that you guys were a territory at the time.) I think I'm going to die a little inside watching two of the worst uniforms in college football play each other.

Mellow Yellow

Many schools use yellow, gold, or some variation of it in their school colors. And guess what? It's awesome. Look at how great Michigan or USC's jerseys look with yellow trim. Or how about Boston College and Notre Dame with gold accents and accessories. Beautiful stuff in my opinion.

Umm here's the problem with yellow. Some schools think yellow is such a good color, that they decide to use it as the primary color in their jerseys. The results are disastrous. I feel like more teams have fallen into this trap than years past. I've seen Cal, West Virginia, and Minnesota all get rocked by the brilliant idea to make yellow the main color of their jerseys. Tsk tsk. The LA Lakers are the only team in sports that can pull of an all yellow jersey. No one else should try else they risk such folly.

They Got Rid of Those Jerseys For a Reason

I love it when teams use throw-back jerseys. I think it's cool and you get to see some classic unis in all their majesty. That being said, there are some ass ugly retro jerseys and some dumb ass ways of using them.

We'll start with exhibit A: Notre Dame. They have one of the classiest and most traditional jerseys in college football. They also have some cool throwback jerseys. And yet they decide to pick these ones. Additionally, by declaring that they would wear the jerseys for the USC game before the season started, they guaranteed themselves a loss. This psychological ploy may have amped the Notre Dame players right after it was announced, but it's a rivalry game, why aren't your players getting excited regardless? This also made USC want to bitch-slap Jabba Weis and his poorly dressed team.

Conversely, there's Cal. Perfect use of the throwback, poor choice of throwback. Calvin, our resident Cal student, was a huge fan of the throwbacks, but he's not writing this post, so fuck him. The jersey itself is ugly and extremely dated, not a good combo for a jersey. However, I will give Cal props for their use of the jersey. It was a big game for them and they kept it secret until the team took the field. The crowd went crazy when they saw the threads, and there was electricity in the stadium. Cal had momentum before the coin flip! Well done in that regard. Unfortunately for them, the ploy couldn't make up for their best player disappearing, their QB making huge mental errors, and their general inability to stop big ol' Chauncey Washington. (FYI, I was standing in line next to Chauncey at Chipotle today.)

And lastly...

Dude How Did You Ever Think That Was a Good Idea?

This one is not related to football jerseys. It is however related to both football fields and basketball jerseys. I am referring to this. UCLA, in commemoration of the fact that they are the first university too win 100 NCAA national championships  (don't get me started on what a bullshit thing that is to brag about) have decided to paint the letter "C" in UCLA gold on both their football field and their basketball jerseys.

Now I've got beef with UCLA jerseys, mostly because I'm biased and I think that jerseys and logos and mascots should be intimidating and strong, but I honestly think that their basketball jerseys and all that shit is decently attractive. What is not attractive is having the rest of the country think you ran out of paint when painting your school's letters on the football field. It's not symmetrical, it looks out of place and haphazard, and it fucks with classy tradition. All no-no's.

UCLA design folk: You guys are dbags. You do your university shame.

So yeah that's that. I'm sure there will be further atrocities from the time I write this article until the end of college football season, but it hurts my eyes to look, so maybe if I write this now, no other teams will wander out onto the field looking like they were dress by a blind Liberace.

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Go Crazy Tuscon!

I'll be honest, I'm not 100% UofA is actually in Tuscon, and I've been on campus for a weekend. That'll give you an idea of how memorable and exciting that place is.

It's literally like all the stereotypes. I saw cacti and tumbleweeds everywhere, and I'm pretty sure my friend stole one of those cattle skulls you always see in cartoons. I kept waiting for the roadrunner to whiz by the Dunkin' Donuts there.

Anyway, that aside, I will say that no one rushes the field quite like the Wildcat fans do. (See: Arizona vs. Cal last year, Arizona vs. Oregon this year at the bottom of the post.) Hell they even rushed the field against UCLA on homecoming this year! Yeah, it was an upset, but UCLA wasn't even ranked!

The 'Cats have so much experience that everyone in the student section knows the standard operating procedure: climb over the railings onto the field at the end of the 3rd quarter (at least that's the way it seemed), get uncomfortably close to Mike Stoops and try to get him to call your plays/sign your boobs, and then have every man, woman, and child swarm the field the second the game ends.

Big props to the guy at the 1:30 mark that rushes the field hopping on one leg while swinging his crutches around in the air.

Oh and because it's physically impossible for me to think about anything outside of how it affects the Trojans, thanks to Arizona I've become an Oregon State fan because USC needs to not only win out, but get either the Beavers or the Bruins to beat Oregon in order to send the Men of Troy to the Rose Bowl with at least a share of the Pac-10 title. Honestly, UCLA has a better chance to beat Oregon, but that violates my morals to root for them, and I don't want to rely on the UCLA Jekyll and Hydes for anything since they have even odds of beating Oregon by 74 and suffering the same fate as Shasta the Cougar.

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It's not Baseball season...It's DUCK HUNTING SEASON

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: BARRY BONDS INDICTED! FACES 4 COUNTS OF PERJURY AND 1 COUNT OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. COULD FACE UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON!
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ SIGNS RECORD 10 YEAR CONTRACT WITH YANKEES WORTH 275 MILLION DOLLARS! INCENTIVES INCLUDED IF HE BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD!!!

Yet after watching Sportscenter for the 5th time this past night, I'm kind of tired of these stories (It's that point where I can repeat all the jokes Scott Van Pelt will make, and know what clips they're showing). Plus Ken beat me to the punch on the Barry Bonds indictment, and I'm still trying to formulate an angle on the ARod signing, but really hoping someone else does something. However, if you live on the east coast, then you might not have stayed up late enough to see the last bit of Thursday night's breaking news trifecta.

Yup, another fucking #2 ranked team fell for the umpteenth time during this college football season. And this time it was those retard ducks from Eugene. There are 14 weeks in the regular season. 5 different teams have fallen from the #2 ranking through 12 weeks, all to unranked opponents. Is it possible we can bump it up to 7 and go .500 for the season on #2 upsets?

I walked out Thursday afternoon for classes not able to catch the end of College Football Live when Robert Smith made his pick on the Oregon/Arizona game. I was hoping he'd have enough brains/testicular fortitude to go with Arizona, the team with a more impressive record in November than USC's 234,581-0 record under Pete Carroll. Arizona had gone 3 straight Novembers knocking off a ranked team. A shit school that's only good at basketball (I'm looking at you too, UCONN) has knocked teams out of the national picture, with Arizona State in 2004, UCLA in 2005, Washington State and Cal (gulp) in 2006. So what's to say they wouldn't do it for a 4th month? Well, besides Robert Smith and the majority of the country, both who didn't think this through though and picked Oregon. Congratulations idiots. You picked a team with history not on its side. And with a water fowl as its mascot.

All my doubts about the Arizona curse were practically assuaged after Oregon's opening drive. Dennis Dixon (an Iguana right down to the lips, teeth, tongue, and green suit) on 4th and 3 found a 6 lane freeway devoid of traffic to scamper on down into the endzone. But being the cocky douchebags that Oregon's team is -- remember how you lost to Cal? Yeah, look where we are now! -- they went for 2. On the OPENING PLAY! Where have we seen such skullduggery and full-on-wankery before?

Meanwhile Arizona looked like it has the other months, sucking it up and punting away, and Oregon was driving again looking like a #2 team. And that's when things started to crumble. Iguana-man was intercepted in the endzone (granted his receiver showed the same hands as Kwame Brown) which was eventually converted for a touchdown. This wasn't a real blow to the Ducks, but they would eventually end up the lame ducks (get it?!??!). On an option play Dixon decided to keep it and roll out left from the pocket, only to fall down untouched and crumple into a symbolic heap of crushed Heisman Trophy and BCS title dreams. Watch the replay. You can hear my roommate going "OUCH. He just destroyed his MCL. Happened to me once, and it killed me. He's gone."

It wasn't just the Reptile that was gone. That play literally caused Oregon to implode. If you were to write out the equation, it would look like this:

Team Centered Around Really Good Athlete - Really Good Athlete = Average Team at Best.

So without their offensive centerpiece, in came Brady Leaf (harbinger of mediocrity and interceptions...AKA not Heisman Frontrunner), and out came Antoine Cason and the Wildcats ready to rip out the hearts of the Ducks. Unfortunately the Oregon Ducks don't have hearts, so Arizona had to settle for an annihilation instead, taking a 17 point lead at the half and ultimately winning 34-24.

With Oregon's collapse, we're at 5 for fallen #2's. What's more distressing about that #2 statistic is that 3 of those 5 teams are in the Pac-10. And my Golden Bears are the only ones who are completely out of a BCS bid (sigh). ASU is in control of the Pac-10 title right now, but they've got Rudy Carpenter as QB. Translation: Fucked. When USC beats them, it'll launch Oregon back into the Rose Bowl bid if UO wins out. Translation: USC kinda Fucked (unless they can do this again). The only hope for USC is that Dennis Dixon is in fact dead or terminally ill, because that will mean a member of the Brady will have to play QB again. Translation: Anyone related to Ryan Leaf is genetically bad at sports related activities.

I feel bad because a Pac-10 team will no longer compete for the BCS national title. And I was going to enjoy saying "Hey look, Oregon lost to us. And my neighbor's Alex Mack!" Now I just get to go "Oregon sucks," while I pray to god that we don't see LSU v. Kansas in a national title game. However, this'll put Tim Tebow (aka that guy who makes every damn shot in beirut games) back into the Heisman race. Clearly with all those statistics he's accumulating, he deserves it over Dixon who's just had praise -- some deserved, most not -- heaped on him by analysts and ESPN everywhere. Sorry, stupid fucking Iguana.

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And to think, I thought we were going to have get him on tax evasion...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

HA.

HAHA.

Go fuck yourself Barry Bonds.

You had this coming and you deserve any punishment you get. Any man that cheats his ways to two of the most storied records in sports (HR season, HR career) and dethrones one of the classiest men in baseball history (Hank Aaron), while simultaneously being a complete and utter jackass to his fans, fellow players, and the media has to have karma barreling towards him like a ICBM missile. (Yeah don't ask, we just covered the SALT treaties in my foreign policy class, so I've got missiles on the brain.)

The article I read on Bonds' indictment says that he could go to prison for up to 30 years on five counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, and lying before a grand jury. (How is lying before a grand jury different than perjury?)

Obviously, there's no way he'll go to prison for 30 years. He won't go to prison for more than 2 years, and the only way he'll see any prison time is if the judge is a Dodger fan. Regardless, this is a victory for justice, equality, the American way, and apple pie.

Ever since I was a little kid watching Gretzky do wizardry with a hockey puck, and Magic and Showtime perform Cirque de Soleil on the basketball court, I have been in awe of athletes and sports in general. The drama was pure and raw. But steroids has ruined a lot of that for me. It's like going from watching Lost to watching Temptation Island.

But if Barry Bonds spends just one day in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass-prison, my childhood sports innocence can be restored.

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School Spirit, Hooray

Ah, college sports [*Note: By college sports, I am of course only referring to football, (men's) basketball, and (men's) hockey (I'll throw (men's) lacrosse in there even though they're not in season), anyone who takes pride in their school being good at something else needs to re-evaluate their life (I'm looking at you, UCLA, women's sports extraordinaire), as no other sports bring the excitement that these do. Fact.]. How I love thee. And yes, I swore off college football, but come on, you didn't ACTUALLY think I would stop paying attention, did you? Besides, my Oregon-Kansas BCS championship pick, made when they were at #'s 5 and 10, respectively, isn't looking that ridiculous anymore is it?

But I'm not here to talk about things on a national landscape. Because in the end, it isn't really about winning championships (False, it is about winning championships, but for the purposes of this article, bear with me), it's just the atmosphere created on campus by these sports.* A recent slate of exciting sporting events took/is taking place here at Miami, and our school dubbed it "Super Fan Week," lasting from last Friday through tonight, and what a week it has been.

Things started out on Friday night with a hockey game against Notre Dame. It was our first home game as the #1 team in the nation this season, which made it all the more disappointing to come out on the losing end of a 2-1 game in which we outplayed them by far. However, Nathan Davis, who is one of our best players and was a popular preseason pick to win the Hobey Baker (hockey's version of the Heisman), returned to action after separating his shoulder in the first game of the season. He also scored our lone goal, so I guess you could say that was the silver lining in our first loss of the season.

The Saturday night game was a totally different story, as Miami came out firing early and often, quickly jumping to a 2-0 lead and eventually winning 3-1, enough to maintain the #1 spot in the polls. The "Super Fans" were out in full force that night, full of "Notre Douchebags," "God Sucks," and "Air Force" chants (Notre Dame football had suffered an embarrassing loss to Air Force earlier that day), helping cheer their team to victory.

On Tuesday night our basketball team opened its season with a 59-57 victory over Xavier, who is by no means a bad basketball team. You'll recall last season's NCAA tournament in which eventual finalist Ohio State needed a couple miracles to beat Xavier and got all of them. An interesting note from the game: Only four players combined for our 59 points, and one of those players had 5. So essentially, an injury can absolutely ruin our season. But for now, undefeated! Also, this seems like a good place to throw this video in, just because.

Tonight "Super Fan Week" concludes with a national broadcast (ESPN2, 7:30 EST) of our football game vs. Akron, which means Lou Holtz and Mark May are most likely currently at my school. Perhaps I can make my way up to the press box tonight and ask Lou Holtz for a personal pep talk on what to do about my geology class. Anyway, a win tonight (coupled with a likely Bowling Green loss to Buffalo this weekend, or if we win next week) will put us in the MAC championship game, with a January bowl game on the line. (You read that right. The International Bowl is in January.)

So what am I really trying to do with this post, other than tell you about how my school's sports programs suddenly don't look like shit? Well, nothing, really. That's about it. I suppose you could try to apply these to your own school. Support your teams, even when they lose, because they're probably more pissed off than you are, and try to remember that they're just college kids. That being said, feel free to lay the points tonight and take the RedHawks and the under.

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Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! BEAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Joe Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

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I said College Football, not Rationality!

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Why Am I Doing This? Pt. 2 (or 10 Things I Learned On Saturday)

So I thought I was gonna write this post on Saturday night, but I’ve been so tired that I’ve need Saturday night, all of Sunday, and then the majority of today to recharge the batteries and get back to normal.

For those of you that aren’t privy to the content of this post, I mentioned on Friday night that I was planning to get up at 4:45am Saturday morning and go to Ye Olde King’s Head, a traditional British pub, to watch the Arsenal vs. Man U game, and then come back to USC for our homecoming game against Oregon State.

Luckily, I’ve survived both the half-asleep drive to Santa Monica and the rowdy Brits, and am here to share 10 things I learned on Saturday.

10. California is in the worst time zone in the world if you’re an English Premier League fan.I love being able to wake up on Saturdays and turn on the TV to see moderately interesting games already in the second half. Additionally, I love being able to watch Monday Night Football and then go grab dinner afterwards. I love the fact that during the NHL playoffs, no matter how many overtimes a game goes, I will be able to watch it until the very end and still be able to get plenty of sleep for classes the next morning. However, I do not enjoy waking up at 4:45am. That’s just bullshit. Most of my friends were coming back from parties at the same time I was waking up to head out for the game.

9. College makes everything acceptable.

So I go to my friend’s frat to tailgate for the football (not futbol) game, and his parents happen to be there. It was really awkward because I wanted to have a few drinks, but I know his parents and his parents know my parents and in general that’s awkward. But then his dad kept trying to get me and the girls I was with drunk…alright, well then game on I guess. I had a beer with his parents, while my friend played a round of Louisville Chugger in front of them.

8. Sometimes tying feels just as good as winning.

After a very close and exciting game, Man U pulled out to a 2-1 lead in the 86th minute, and then proceeded to do a very good job of playing keep-away. They had all but sealed up three points on Arsenal’s turf, and all the Red Devil fans at the pub were starting to celebrate the win, when a clusterfuck to the net (SEVEN ARSENAL PLAYERS IN THE MAN U BOX!) gave William Gallas an opportunity for redemption, which he seized to tie the game. Gallas, who earlier had a Man U shot deflect off of his hand into the net to put his team down 1-0, delivered a powerful strike that Man U keeper Edwin Van Der Saar successfully blocked and deflected away during the 93rd minute. Unfortunately for Man U, Van Der Saar and the ball he knocked away were both very clearly across the goal line, which means count it. Boo-yah! My buddy and I practically skipped out of the pub because we were so happy with the draw, while all of the Man U fans sulked.

7. Sometimes watching the opposing quarterback get his face shoved into the ground nine times feels just as good as scoring a touchdown.

Okay so the Trojan offensive looked sick during the second quarter, raping and pillaging in the manner that they were supposed to be doing all season, but other than that they look fairly lackadaisical and average. However, USC’s ridiculous defense and stud true-freshman freak of nature Everson Griffen (affectionately known as "The E-Train") more than made up for the lack of offensive firepower by registering nine sacks, several on third down situations. Griffen alone had 3.5 sacks and in general looked like a man on a mission. It is going to be fun watching him develop.

6. Arsenal has a lot of heart.
I was very impressed by the Gunners’ resiliency and mental composure after falling behind twice to a very good Man U team. Additionally, they could have easily given up and conceded defeat as extra time was winding to a close, but instead the young team kept fighting and kept pounding until they tied the game up. Furthermore, the leader of this team, 20 year-old Cesc Fabregas, is already one of the best players in all of EPL and is getting better every game. In 15 games for Arsenal in all matches this season, Fabregas has 11 goals and 9 assists. Additionally, he earned huge style points for responding to the yellow card he received by trash-talking with the Man U player he fouled and mimicking his diving for the next two minutes. What a guy.

5. USC (and frat row in particular) looks like a ghost town at 8am on the weekend.

The girls on the soccer team were starting to practice at the field across from my dorm, but other than that I don’t think I saw a single living soul until like 10am. To be fair, were it not for the soccer game, I wouldn’t have woken up until around noon myself.

4. It’s okay to be a dirty ho at a football game, as long as you’re a clever dirty ho.
This fellow USC student had one of the classiest shirts I have every seen in my entire life. For the game between the USC Trojans and the Oregon State Beavers, this girl wrote in sharpie on the back of her shirt, “At least my beaver likes to get pounded by Trojans.” Bravo ma’am. You do your university proud. I expect to see you in the next TV ad USC makes.

3. 6am is apparently as good a time as any for a pint of Guinness.

Okay, so I’m not a Brit, nor a frat guy, nor an alcoholic, so I might be speaking as an odd man out here, but why in God’s name would drinking a very thick, dark beer at 6am be a good idea? When the game was starting up, a waitress came around and basically got every single person in the pub a cup of coffee. The next time around, a few people ordered some breakfast, a few people like myself simply got another cup of coffee, but a surprising number of people started ordering pints. And then started ordering a second round of pints. And then a third. And so on. Uggggggggggggg. Just thinking about drinking that much Guinness that early in the morning is making me feel sick. Speaking of which…

2. Mexican food, 3 cups of coffee, a Philly Cheesesteak, beer, and Panda Express do not mix well.
Woof. I had Chano’s for dinner, coffee during the soccer game, a Philly Cheesesteak from the Pantry for lunch, beer before the football game, and Panda for dinner. I was not a happy camper. Imagine if I had gone to a party and drank more that night like I initially planned to until I basically fell asleep watching Sports Center. Anyway, word to the wise, the aforementioned ingredients plus lots of jumping and screaming equal vomit. Luckily, I knew this equation from my chemistry class in high school and knew to limit my consumption. Additionally, imagine if I ate a ghetto dog (bacon-wrapped hot dogs cooked in shopping carts by various illegal street vendors that can be found all over USC after football games) on the way back from the football game. It would mean the worst.

1. I am going to Ye Olde King's Head for every big soccer game for the rest of the season.

Yeah, it sucked to wake up that early. Yeah, I felt sick and was tired as shit for the rest of the weekend. Yeah, it prevented me from going to parties on both Friday and Saturday night. But it was 100% completely worth it. Absolutely without a doubt the best environment to watch a soccer game in. The pub was electric. People were constantly cheering and booing, as well as jeering at opposing fans. The fans all knew their shit, and were all very committed and loyal fans. It just felt right. And as great as it is to be sitting in your room wrapped up in a blanket watching your team play, it doesn’t come close to the sheer exhilaration of an entire pub going ape-shit because your team tied the game with under a minute to play in the game.

P.S.
If any of you are looking to buy me a Chanukah gift and don’t know what to get, a Starbucks card might be a good idea because I’m going to be needing a lot of caffeine for the rest of the year to get me awake for all of these games.

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In Case You Missed It

So I haven't posted in a while. I don't really have any good excuses like "I was swamped with homework" or something dumb like that. I was just playing a lot of Halo 3. But anyway, here's a quick look at the only important things to happen in sports recently.

• One free taco from Taco Bell*

This was the only important thing that came out of the world series.
* Free taco was not actually free. I had to buy something else to get it. So it was more of a 2-for-1 taco.

• The Los Angeles Galaxy failed to make the playoffs despite an admirable run to close the season.

The MLS, realizing what a financial disaster this would be, just decided to cancel the playoffs and give the championship trophy to David Beckham. Not the Galaxy, just Beckham. In good knightly fashion, he has allowed the teams that qualified for the playoffs to continue playing "for, you know, second place."

• Martina Hingis cheats, denies it, and then promptly retires.

Martina, just a hint: if you get accused of something you believe you didn't do, despite what both of your test samples say, pretty much the LAST thing you want to do is retire. Because that pretty much just seals the deal in the public's eye. Well, that, and those two positive test results. But then again, it's women's tennis, and people only care about how you look, not really whether or not you were cheating. I don't even know if you were that great of a tennis player in the first place. In fact, I didn't even know women played tennis. Are the rules the same as men's tennis? Do they even keep score? I'll have to look into this some more.

• Navy beats Notre Dame, blah blah blah 46 years, blah blah blah, price of eggs and milk, THERE WAS A TOTALLY AWESOME SACK.

Since I gave up on college football, I can now just focus on cool stuff like this. Seriously, think about how the quarterback felt when he saw that replay. I imagine he said something along the lines of what the rest of America thought: "Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

• Two records that won't be broken for a long time, if ever, were set in the same game yesterday.

Adrian Peterson ran for 296 yards, which is absolutely absurd, especially against a Chargers defense that, while they aren't as good as they were last year, did not seem like the group to give up the most yards to one player in NFL history. Unfortunately he was wearing one of the ugliest jerseys in the NFL, and I'm not just saying that because I hate the Vikings. Those things are legitimately hideous. While that record could feasibly be broken, I don't see how the other one can. Antonio Cromartie ran back a missed field goal 109 yards. He was practically out of bounds when he caught the ball, so I don't really see how anyone could get a 110-yard return. Impressive performances by both of these guys.

• The Biggest Football Game Ever (In The Regular Season), aka Super Bowl XLI 1/2, aka Manning v. Brady, Round 10, aka It Sucks For The Houston Area Because They Have To Watch The Texans-Raiders Game Instead Of This One, was played, with the Patriots beating the Colts 24-20.

This game was incredibly hyped, and deservedly so, I suppose, as both teams have looked incredible early on. The game was fairly exciting, although it was not the fantasy bonanza I was hoping for. Did the absences of Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh hurt the Colts? Probably. But it was their defense that let them down in the end after doing such a good job of limiting the Patriots offense the whole game. Oh well. I found myself having a hard time getting into this game. I just really didn't care that much. Although it was nice to see Belichick not look like a homeless person. And in other "two guys who are dominating the crap out of their sport" news...

• Even though you still don't care about NASCAR, this has been one of the most exciting finishes ever.
  

Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson combined to win 10 of the first 26 races, which is a fairly impressive percentage. Since the Chase has started, they have won 5 of 8, those 5 all coming in the 5 most recent races. With only 2 races left and Johnson clinging to a small 30 point lead, you might want to tune in next Sunday. Not that you will.

• More "things I like that you probably don't care about:" the Miami University hockey team is 8-0, and the only undefeated team in the top 10.

Our captain, Ryan Jones, has grown his hair out so much that he is actually starting to resemble a lion. He is also tied for the second-most points in the nation with 11 through 8 games.


That's all that's really been going on. The NBA started, but no one really cares because it's boring until February or so, and Kobe is still on the Lakers. NHL games are still being played, but nothing much of note has happened. College basketball gets underway soon, which is a very good thing. End.

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Why Am I Doing This? Pt. 1

It’s Friday night. I finished the last of my midterms this morning. I’ve got the room all to myself while my roommate is away. And how am I celebrating? Staying in an going to sleep as early as possible tonight.

Why?

Because Setanta Sports is not a channel that is included in my basic cable package at USC. So instead I am waking up at 5am, grabbing some coffee, and driving to Santa Monica to Ye Olde Kings Head to meet up with my friend and watch one of the biggest games of the year.

Ye Olde Kings Head is a traditional British pub, where the words “wanker”, “piss off”, and “bugger” are commonly heard. (My roommate’s been dying to go here for the past few months, so he’s going to be so pissed to hear I went without him, and to watch his boys play no less!)

As for the game, which all of you die hard sports fans are frantically wondering why you don’t know what huge game is being played tomorrow morning, it is the match between Arsenal and Manchester United. The two teams are tied for first place in the Premiership at 26 points and have both been on fire recently. In fact, Arsenal is still undefeated this season, and until Arsenal tied Liverpool last weekend, they had won 12 straight matches.

And guess what? I just got a little hotter in north London as Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor recently revealed that Man U tried to poach the Togo national over the summer, only to have him turn down the offer. And then! Sir Alex Ferguson, the United manager, said that the young Gunner squad can only be judged by how many trophies they’ve won, not how well they’ve played so far this season. (FYI, Ferguson’s side won the Premiership League title last year, while Arsenal finished fourth.)

Oh snap.

Tomorrow night I will write about my experience being called a scallywag, or whatever those lobsterbacks will call me, and then coming back to SC for our homecoming game against Oregon State. (Insert beaver innuendo here.)

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