Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Grady Little DURRRRR

"DURRRR" is exactly what's going through his head right now. Probably because he doesn't have cognitive abilities that are greater than that of a four year old (a four year old who doesn't understand the basic strategies of baseball). Sidenote, how good is that doll? Granted, he didn't really fuck up that much this season. The team still had a winning record...by two games. And when you were picked by many people to at least appear in the World Series, let alone win it, yet finished fourth in your division, you're probably going to face some scrutiny. Because of this, the Dodgers are taking a direct 180 approach from their previous policy -- the "Well, we'll stand by him because he's old and retarded" stance -- to a newer one of "We want a new cup of Joe" policy.

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Soccer Dopplegangers!

So here's the deal, outside of me, Tim, and a small handful of our assorted friends, no one gives a shit about soccer. This is disheartening to me, but I think that I've devised a way for the rest of you to learn to recognize some of the biggest players on the planet: dopplegangers. What are dopplegangers? Glad you asked. So here we go, via me and Tim: soccer dopplegangers.

Cobi Jones - The Predator


There's no denying this one. All he needs is that laser thing and he'll be the best player in the league despite his age. Additionally, this explains why Galaxy rivals Chivas signed Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Friday, October 26, 2007

The Second Coming of Massachusetts


I really really really wish I lived in Massachusetts right now (and not just because of the state of affairs of the Golden Bears. That rhymes.) Not here in Massachusetts. I wish I lived in Boston. The public transportation system is fucking amazing there -- a foreign concept to an LA native. Dunkin Donuts are on every corner, and I love Dunkin Donuts. I could pahk my cah at havahd yahd (actually, I wouldn't have a car because CARS IN BOSTON ARE FUCKING INSANE). More importantly, because I lived in Boston, all my sports teams would be winning (I have yet to verify anything about the Boston Bruins because I infact still do not watch Hockey. This would lead to a greater increase in my personal well-being, and more importantly lots of partying everywhere. No, not that type of party. I'm talking about lots and lots of partying, with:
1. Dudes with awesome accents
2. Attractive women
3. Stephen King.

Unless I was number 2, I don't think I'd get to see the true "Jesuses" (or is the plural Jesi?) of Boston: their star athletes. With the success of the Patriots, the Red Sox, and Boston College, and the presumed success the Celtics will have as well, I have compiled a list of the top 10 Sports Superstars in (and around) Beantown right now. From 10-1, and in no affiliation with Bill Simmons, here we go:


9. Kevin Garnett - If I was posting this next week once basketball season had officially started, he'd be way higher up there (and maybe Paul Pierce and/or Ray Allen would make the list instead of the entirety of the Red Sox lineup). But as it stands, KG is ready to pwn the Atlantic division. The scariest man in recent NBA memory hated Minnesota (Sadly, it's one of the most hate filled states in the country?) and is gonna show the rest of the country what he can do in a viable market with teammates that aren't Latrell Sprewell.

8. The Boston Infield - They don't get much love because who really cares about defense that much. However, Youk is on pace for a beast of a performance in the postseason with all the hits and runs he's scoring (and he looks good for a gold glove, too). Pedroia is the leadoff man the Sox were looking for (and did you know he can hit?). And given their monstrous performances, Lowell, the Sox regular season RBI leader, looks lackluster compared to them. Fortunately that's offset by the useless Julio Lugo playing shortstop.

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Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.


Hockey is my first love. As amazing as the Hunt for October in baseball, March Madness in basketball, or the bowl games of New Year's Day in college football are, nothing beats a few Canadians smacking around vulcanized rubber for 60 minutes.


My love for hockey was sealed during the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals. I was 4 going on 5 and was just starting to get into sports for real. The LA Kings had just finished a classic seven game series against the Toronto Maple Leafs and were all set to play the Montreal Canadiens. The Kings took game 1 and were poised to take a 2-0 series lead heading back to Los Angeles when Marty McSorley's stick was determined to have an illegally large curve on it with just a few minutes left in the game. Montreal scored on the ensuing powerplay and used the momentum to win the series and the Stanley Cup. The Kings have never been past the second round since. Watching that game, as heartbreaking as it was for me, sealed my love of hockey and sports in general.

Fast forward to now. I'm in college. My friends are in college. I go to a school close to home in my favorite city in the world, I'm getting an amazing education, I have so many opportunities for me, and I get to root for one of the best football teams in the nation. And yet something is still missing. Oh yeah, this. I want that. I'll take double the classes and fly back and forth between Oxford, Ohio and LA if I can get in on that. Unfortunately for me, USC, unlike Miami (Ohio), does not have the #2 ice hockey team in the nation.

But!
That doesn't mean I still can't watch college hockey.
Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Last year I went to the Pac-8 (Arizona and Oregon State: get your shit together) Ice Hockey Championship in El Segundo. USC played the powerhouse (at least as close as you can get to being a powerhouse team in the Pac-8) Oregon Ducks in the finals. Quite a game, and surprisingly quality hockey. The second period ended early in order to sort out the over 10 penalties assessed in a three minute span. USC tied the game with a pulled goalie under a minute left in the 3rd period, and then won it in overtime. Pretty fucking rad if you're a Trojan.

Anyway, so I found out last night that USC was playing a hockey game against our favorite school in the whole wide world, those lovable Bruins of UCLA. Even better, I found out that the game was literally down the street from where my dorm is: Staples Center. My reaction was obviously (and only a few of you will understand what I mean by this): GATOR!

So me and my friends grab our sweatshirts (second time I've had to wear a sweatshirt all year long) and headed to the game just after the Kings game at Staples Center finished. We get to Staples only to find that we are not allowed in to watch the game. You have to have attended the game and then stayed for the USC/UCLA game afterwards (which we knew was total bullshit because my friend Cornelia was at the game and she was at her sorority during the Kings game and thus obviously didn't attend).

We refused to take no for an answer and ended up getting the ticket stubs to the Kings game from people leaving the stadium, and then tried to get in with those. That didn't work. Being the clever and cunning students we are, we then went to a door where there were no security guards and snuck into Staples Center. I know, my account of getting into the game is not on par with Tim's descriptions of lines around the stadium waiting to get in, but I bet he never had to deal with panhandling for ticket stubs to a game that had just finished.

Anyway, so we get in and though the place wasn't packed or anything, there was a decent crowd for both teams considering the game was at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night off campus and was poorly advertised.
One weird thing we learned at the game: this game at Staples Center was a home game for UCLA. For those of you not familiar with Los Angeles geography, let's review: USC to Staples, and UCLA to Staples (fyi Mapquest does not factor in the ridiculous traffic associated with driving from Westwood to Downtown). So where is USC's home ice? The Anaheim Ice Center, 30 miles southeast of USC. Don't worry, I'm sure the made sense at the time.
Regardless of who's home game it was, the crowd was about 60-40 Trojans. Both sides were loud and raucous, and in general the game was a lot of fun. Bruin fans were constantly doing the 8-Clap (out of time for the most part) and Trojan fans did the SoCal Spell-Out after every goal (also out of time for the most part). There was jeering back and forth, and it felt just like any other USC/UCLA rivalry game (although I will say that the USC/UCLA blasian dance-off was by far the most intense).

The only thing that was unfortunate was the quality of play. USC and UCLA are club teams and were playing their 6th and 5th games of the season respectively. Since they're club teams, they don't get to really practice during the off-season, and I wouldn't be surprised if most of the players got very few opportunities to ever get on the ice during the summer. As a result, both teams were sloppy with their stick-handling, shots, and passing, but showed flashes of brilliance with their vision on the ice. The team will significantly improve as the season goes on, if last year is any indication for the Trojans. They started 5-6 before finishing 16-6-1 and winning the Pac-8 Championships.


The actual game itself was intense. UCLA had an early 2-1 lead, but USC bounced back with three unanswered goals. The Bruins pulled within one, but USC scored again to make it 5-3. The Trojans then killed off a 1:45 two-man advantage for the Bruins. As the third period drew to a close, the Bruins scored to once again make it a one goal game. They then drew a penalty and pulled their goalie with under a minute remaining, but USC, thanks to some amazing defense, managed to hold onto the lead and win the game 5-4, much to the dismay of the UCLA fans that took a bus from campus to Staples Center.

If you go to USC, UCLA, or any other school in the Pac-8 (Beavers and Wildcats be damned), go and watch your hockey team. It's a lot of fun and these guys are literally your average students. They aren't on scholarship, they don't get special benefits, they weren't recruited. They got in to your school just like you, they take the same classes as you, and just happen to play hockey.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

This Just In: Lou Holtz Is a Moron

Ok just a short post for right now because I need to study for my IR and Arabic midterms (and/or apply for a job at McDonald's because I'm going to fail out of college after these two midterms).


But that's neither here nor there, I'm watching the BC/Virginia Tech game (fyi unless BC picks their game up, they will be the fourth straight #2 team in the nation to lose) and the half-time show just finished.

Don't know if you've figured this out, but Lou Holtz is an idiot.
At some point while he was droning on and on about how big Dennis Dixon's dick is, and how everyone at USC sucks (Wow, really Lou? Didn't see that one coming at all from you.), he started talking about USC's two quarterbacks: John David Booty and Tony Sanchez. I'm sorry, who? Dude, you cover football professionally, how do you not remember this stuff? Additionally, how did you get Tony? Mark...Tony...Mark...Tony. Nope, I don't see it. Oh wait, yes I do. YOU'RE OLD. QUIT YOUR JOB YOU OLD BASTARD. AND TAKE MARK MAY WITH YOU.

So yeah, I had myself a good chuckle and all was well in the world. Lou had made his mandatory stupid comment, and Mark May had been overly aggressive in his poor analysis of anything sports related.

But!
Lou Holtz got up to make one of his trademark pep talks to Nebraska. (Sorry Husker Nation, this means you're guaranteed to lose this weekend. You'll probably be demoted to 1-AA, too.)
Anyway, so blah blah blah I'm Lou Holtz and I give horrible pep talks that are extremely predictable. (By the way, if you were playing along with the "Lou Holtz Drinking Game", I think you would have take like 48 drinks during his two and a half minute pep talk.)

And then it happened.

I don't have a transcript of it, but Lou said something along the lines of this: "Men, you can fix anything if enough people care. We fixed racism and sexism because enough people cared, and men, we can fix this program if enough of you care."

Did Lou just compare Nebraska's recent string of poor seasons to the bloody and protracted Civil Right Movement of the 1950's and 60's for African-Americans?
Is Bill Callahan supposed to be Dr. Martin Luther King?
Is the University of Texas analogous to the Ku Klux Klan, violently attacking Nebraska's non-violent protests at white-only diners (and by non-violent protests at white-only diners, I mean athletes on scholarship playing football on Saturdays)?
Sam Keller is Medgar Evers, right?

I could go on, but I think Lou's dumb ass remarks speak for themselves.
Just stick to wrongly picking Notre Dame to win every week and leave the historical analogies alone, won't you, Lou?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Good, The Bad, and Cal

Los Angeles -- Southern California, for that matter -- is ACTUALLY burning. Never would've thought that crappy Tommy Lee Jones movie would ever become a reality. I went home this weekend and saw the fires firsthand (the airplane pilot decided to take a quick detour to fly us over them and see the smoke) and it was spooky. Hope everyone who’s reading this down there is okay. Fortunately for me, I am not in LA. Unfortunately for me, I am still not okay.

As a side note, before you read anymore, it's time for some shameless self-promotion. We've only been a blog going on 2+ weeks note, but check out this website (12th in the nation! Better than the Golden Bears can say). I'd appreciate it if you went and voted for us by going to the bottom of the right tool bar. Thanks a bunch!

Anyway, I'm emotionally scarred after the second straight loss to my Golden Bears. Ironically, I jokingly said earlier that Cal could go 0-4 before the USC game. Now I'm praying they at least go 2-2. But it would appear that the season is beyond repair. I could outline some of the scenarios to win the Pac-10 title, such as Cal winning out, Oregon losing at USC/ASU, ASU losing to Oregon/USC, and UCLA losing to Oregon/ASU/USC, along with the establishment of a free Palestinian state and the curing of cancer. The way this season is going, all of those are possible…but should Cal win out and be eligible for an At-Large BCS berth, they wouldn’t deserve it given their shitty performances these past two weeks.

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Monday, October 22, 2007

A World Without Peyton Manning


So one of the things that I do when I'm not blogging is this thing called TIRP, where you guest teach stuff about international relations at high schools near USC. One of the exercises I did with my classes had to do with globalization and was called "Why Should I Care?" It's a pretty simple exercise. Basically you're supposed to plan a fun weekend with your friends and then you're supposed to list all of the things you would need for the weekend. I then tell the students to cross off every single item on the list that is a foreign product or resource, which is basically everything on the list. The point is that you can't isolate yourself from the outside world and that a world without international trade would blow.


But what about if we took this same lesson and applied it to other things, like football players. What would life be like in a world without Peyton Manning?


It's fall, so I'll be honest, my weekend consists entirely of just watching college football on
Saturday and pro football on Sunday.
Friend: "Hey Ken, there's this awesome party tonight on Ellendale. You wanna go?"
Me: "No thanks, the Mississippi State/East Carolina game is still going on."
Friend: "Ummmm okay.....well the game is 24-3, so I don't really get why you're still watching. Plus I heard a bunch of the girls from Delta Gamma are gonna be at the party."
Me: "Yeah I know, but there's still the over/under that's up for grabs in the game, but you have fun."

DirecTV: Hmmmm okay well we've all seen this ad. You know what, I don't even care about the NFL that much. I don't really need to watch those games, I'll just play video games instead.

XBox: Great commercial, really the beginning of the Manning the Salesman era. 
That game never held a candle to Madden anyway. (Additionally, real-life tie in: my XBox is broken in the real world, too.) That's alright though, there should be a few solid games on ABC or FOX or CBS for me to watch.

Sony: Wow, okay fuck that. Not only is he a spokesman for Sony, it is specifically for their televisions. (By the way, I couldn't find a video of the ad, but everyone has seen it if you've ever been within 20 feet of a television.) You know what, I'd rather see the game live, so who cares. I'm gonna go buy some tickets to the Kings game tonight.

MasterCard: Dammit, why did I forget about this? (Gotta love the bloopers.) Yeah I definitely don't have enough cash on me. How much do you have on you right now? $5.78? Yeah, okay looks like we're not going to the hockey game. You know what, Kings tickets are overpriced anyway. If we can't watch sports, why don't we just get the guys together and play a little two touch? I'll text Will and Kenny right now.

Sprint: Really hit and miss with these Sprint commercials. Okay, so I don't know how to send smoke signals, and the last time I tried, my RA chewed me out for like 20 minutes or so for setting off the fire alarm at our dorm. Hey, it's all good though. My roommate and I can always just play a little pitch and catch out in McCarthy Quad. Ian, let's roll. I just gotta grab my shoes.

Reebok: What? Seriously? Shoes are overrated anyway. My Neanderthal ancestors didn't need shoes to club animals to death, so it's not like I really need shoes to throw a football around with my buddy. Although, it is hot outside today. Peyton didn't do ads for air conditioning did he?

Gatorade: Fuck off Peyton. I like you, but this is just getting out of hand. How the hell am I supposed to replenish my body with
 electrolytes after working up a sweat throwing a football? Powerade? Please. That shit is awful. (Also, when did it become okay to blatantly copy everything about your main competitor's product including half of its name? Was Crocade already copyrighted?) Okay well, it looks like I can't do much for myself this weekend. Hmmm I've got an idea...

American Red Cross: Oh come on! What is that?! I try to spend my weekend providing disaster relief to those in need and YOU have to come in and ruin it for me?! Alright Peyton, you win. I'm going to spend my weekend in my room with the door locked doing the same as many other lonely teenagers with nothing else to do.

Carrie Underwood: Okay, not fair. He didn't date her, he isn't plugging her album, and he's not her manager. Just because she promoted her album as the musical guest when Peyton was the host of SNL does not imply that he was a spokesman for her. That'd be like saying that you aren't allowed to laugh because he was promoting comedy on SNL, or that you're not allowed to support America because he went to the White House after winning the Super Bowl. Those are the rules....that I just made up.

So I guess a world without Peyton Manning isn't that bad. I can still Google Image Carrie Underwood and have a good time by myself as long as I have my Mac.
By comparison, a world without Tiger Woods is much bleaker.

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