Sons of Steiner

It's Business Time

2007-12-05T16:42:00.001-08:00

I wish that life was simpler. Like the finals exams I've got to take next week. Or taxes. Or football penalty calls.

Fortunately, ACC refs are dumbing down the latter to make life a little bit better. While I was killing brain cells watching the retarded affair that is Pac-10 Football, I could've been catching referee Ron Cherry explaining penalties more eloquently than Robert Frost prose.

Let's hope all penalties start getting called like this.

WHAT THE FUCK BELANIE!

2007-12-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

Fuck Trees. Fuck the color red. And Fuck Stanford. Every year Cal plays Stanford. And in the midst of a 5-game winning streak, most current Berkeleyians simply look at the last game on the calendar and write it off as an easy win. However, in a season where winning went from easy to impossible, I sat watching the Big Game and felt that punching myself in the ballsack repeatedly would be less painful.

Before the game I'd lost all effective interest in college football, after all umpteenth upsets during the season. Sure, it was the 25th anniversary of the greatest feat in football history, but since the game was at Stanford the douchebag announcers discounted the entire event suggesting that there were "forward laterals." Really? Well you work for Versus network. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry for anyone who watched the game on television. First off, because both teams legitimately played awful (Alex Mack still owns though). Second, because Versus is a terrible network (you'll notice how there wasn't a first down line on the field half the time, let alone the down and yardage information). Third, because Nate Longshore was QBing. This picture is indicative of what Cal endures.

Some interesting stats for the game (all Cal related, because i don't care about Stanford's and I'm not going to look up the specifics):
- 252 total yards in the first half. 7 in the third quarter.
- 2,613 penalties for infinity yards.
- 2 INTs, both (surprisingly) in the 4th quarter.

So Longshore's 4th quarter numbers continue to impress. 1 TD, 14 INTs. He almost looked like he would drive us in for a tie, but when has he ever. I'm going to write Jeff Tedford with my sterling advice that I've been preaching all year, and hopefully it'll get through that ~2.5 million dollar a year salary of his. Please Coach, GIVE KEVIN RILEY A CHANCE!

Here's to wishing...

2007-11-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

Okay so this picture was originally made by the people at yahoo sports, and some guy wrote about it in an article that I can't seem to find. Anyway, let's talk about this. Mainly, it catches your eye with logos and what not, and everyone loves brackets.

In all seriousness, when it is presented in this format, a college football 16-team playoff seems completely within reason. I have always been in favor of the "plus one" idea, where four potential championship-caliber teams are selected for a miniature playoff, because I always thought a 16-team one would just be too many games.

But think of it this way. Say college football cuts off one non-conference game, so people don't have to complain about the players being too tired, and it will encourage teams to schedule their NC games wisely (what's up, Michigan).

I don't know if I'm completely in favor of playing the playoff games at home fields of the higher seeded teams. Yes, they do this in the lower divisions, but in the lower divisions there aren't the same gaps in programs at the top to programs at the bottom. Perennial powerhouses would be getting extra home games every year, and that means more money for the big schools to further distance themselves from the Troys and Central Floridas of the world.

Also, putting them at a neutral site can also satisy the idea of the NCAA losing sponsorship money from the BCS sponsors. Instead of the CITI Rose Bowl make it the CITI 2nd-round playoff game. To give the higher-seeded team an advantage, which they rightly deserve, allot more tickets to their school, giving them the opportunity to make the neutral site less neutral, without compromising too much.

This format rewards teams for winning their conference, which should be the biggest goal in a football season. Then, just as in college basketball, you are guaranteed a spot at the dance. And just as in college basketball, upsets would happen, but in the end I feel that the two best teams would sort themselves out and we would have a true national championship that no one could argue about. If a team isn't the best in its conference or in the top 5 otherwise, why should they have any claim to being the best team in the country?

Is this going to happen? No. But that doesn't mean I can't dream.

Nevermind

2007-11-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Okay. I take back all the adjectives I used to describe the UCLA/Oregon game.

This is the worst game I have ever seen.

Pittsburgh 3 - Miami 0

It was like watching a blind nun try to hump a doorknob. But a lot dirtier because of the mud from the rain. Also it was like watching said blind nun in an open Nebraskan field because the rain wiped away all of the yard lines on the field, which meant it was impossible to know where either team was on the field. The only thing I could know the entire night was that they weren't anywhere near the end zone.

UCLA and Oregon Deserve Each Other

2007-11-24T16:35:00.000-08:00

So there I was, focused in on the UCLA/Oregon game that had yet to see a touchdown midway through the 4th quarter while ignoring an intense 4 OT game between Kentucky and Tennessee. And to top it all off, I found myself cheering as loudly as I could for UCLA.

But after what I saw in my one day as a UCLA, I'm retiring.

Not only because I now no longer need UCLA's help (unless them sucking against USC next Saturday counts as getting help from them! ZING!) to give my Trojans a spot in the Rose Bowl, but also because UCLA football is extremely depressing to watch. (To be honest, watching USC's basketball team almost lose to Miami (OH) last night in the Anaheim Classic elicited a similar feeling.)

Watching that UCLA/Oregon felt like watching a football game from the early 1900's. Low scoring, field goals and safeties (well almost in this case) provided what few points there were, and NO FORWARD PASSING. Good god I have never seen so many poor passes in one game. And I understand, both defenses played great, and the majority of the game was played between a 3rd string and 4th string QB. But when the play-by-play guy is suggesting that one of the teams (UCLA) use one of its wide receivers (Brandon Breazell) as their QB because he's the best passer in the game, you know something is wrong.

In defense of both teams, it could have been worse though. The first quarter looked less like 19th century football and more like the Special Olympics. UCLA had -2 rushing yards and its starting QB went 0/7 with 1 INT....and they left the first quarter with the lead. Does UCLA's defense understand that by playing so well and winning the game for the Bruins they only prolong Karl Dorrell's train-wreck tenure in Westwood? If I were a Bruin player, I would be intentionally trying to throw the game to get rid of Dorrell (however UCLA's QBs seem to be doing their best to do just that).

Add onto that the three blind mice that officiated the game. They apparently do not understand that when the ball bounces off the field into a player's hands, that does not count as a completion. BUSH LEAGUE. THAT IS BUSH LEAGUE. (Speaking of poor officiating, a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for raising your arms in the air after a sack? You know Pete Carroll is gonna write a love letter to the Pac-10 on Monday.)

It just was not a fun game to watch, and yet I watched every second of it due to its importance to USC's Rose Bowl hopes. Thank you UCLA for your help and awesome defense today, a big no thank you to anyone on your offense except your kicker. I pray I never have to sit through something like that again. And this coming Saturday, when USC plays UCLA, it's nice to know at least one of the teams will actually have an offense. (Don't worry Bruins, we get to trade places when basketball season gets going.)

The streets will run powder blue with Dorrell's blood on Saturday.

Let the Deals Begin

2007-11-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

Well we kicked off the baseball season with many trades and signings. Jon Garland for Orlando Cabrera (ooooh)! Jason Kendall signing with the Brewers (aaaah)! But today marks the first acquisition that many (and by many, I mean me) didn't see coming: Torii Hunter signing with the Angels.

If you look at ESPN Rumor Central and SI's Trade Rumors everyday like us here at Sons of Steiner, then you're kind of taken aback by this. The last reports I heard were that Hunter was very interested in signing with either the Dodgers (please god please please please), the Rangers (what? Are you serious! Get out!), or the White Sox (dumb move, but whatever). And then I get into LA this morning for Thanksgiving and look at the front page of the sports section, and BOOM! He's an Angel.

Fuck the Angels. And yes, I said that. Quick geography lesson: I'm from Los Angeles. Not Anaheim. The Angels are from Anaheim. Not Los Angeles. There is only one baseball team in Los Angeles: The Dodgers. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? No dude. Come on.

So now with this deal, fuck them even more. They've got two power bats now in Hunter and Vlad Guerrero (no, Garret Anderson is never going to be a power bat again), and a decent pitching staff with the Jon Garland trade. Plus they already have a center fielder in Gary Mathews Jr., so wtf! I expect now that my boys in blue will step up their efforts and sign Aaron Rowand to lock up a center fielder (because Juan Pierre is more a toddler than baseball player).

Finally, I am excited about this deal because it may change up the Miguel Cabrera hunt. The Angels have more protection for Guerrero in their lineup, so they may be less-willing to trade for Cabrera, freeing up the chance for the Dodgers (the other frontrunners). However, since the Marlins are demanding youngin's, I have a bad feeling the Dodgers will make a bad move and sell away their entire farm system for him.

Oh well. I still love the Baseball Offseason.

NATIONAL CHAMPIONS! "WE'RE #1!!!!"

2007-11-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. The Stanford Cardinal has just been named the national champions in women's cross-country!! Palo Alto will be one massive party tonight.

Folks, if you're like me, you've been following the women's cross-country season since their very first practices this year. I have been logging every single time trial and have watched as Stanford has established one of the most powerful dynasties in the history of the sport, winning its third straight women's cross-country championship this year. I was watching intently this year to see if Stanford could pull it out, it was quite the sight to behold. That's drama folks.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get tickets, but were it not for my midterms I totally would have dropped the $2500 StubHub was charging to get a seat at the finish line.

This momentous victory for Stanford marks their 95th NCAA national championship, second only to UCLA, who has 100 NCAA national championships. Stanford is working hard every day to catch up to UCLA, but it will take hard work considering how much time and effort UCLA spends in the vital sports of women's softball (10) and gymnastics (5) as well as men's tennis (16).

But I think Stanford just might have a chance as it strives for excellence in some of the fiercest and most competitive sports in college sports. You know, the big ones, like women's tennis (15), women's swimming and diving (8), and men's golf (8). But the big showdown will be in men's tennis as Stanford's 18 national championships go up against UCLA's 16.

Oh wait. No one gives a shit.

Look, congrats to Arianna Lambie and the rest of the Stanford women's cross-country team. You guys did a great job and I don't want to take anything away from you. It's tough to win a national championship in any sport, and women's cross-country (or any of the other sports I have mentioned so far) is no different.

However, don't ever come up to me and tell me that Stanford has the second best athletic tradition of any school in the country. UCLA and Stanford, do you honestly think that this list really is a who's who of the best athletic programs in the nation? Oklahoma State has the fourth best athletic program of any school in the country? No. Not at all. I wouldn't even put them in the top four in the Big 12. Meanwhile, where the hell are Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Alabama, Florida or Tennessee?

Additionally, keep this in mind: NCAA national championships do not include football national championships since the championship selection is done through the BCS.

Hey UCLA, you know what is a more impressive number than 100? 11. 11 basketball national championships. Or maybe 10 basketball titles in 12 years under John Wooden? That's ridiculous how good that is. Or how about 88 consecutive games won in basketball? All amazing stats, and the only number I ever hear from Bruins is 100 NCAA national championships. Guess what, I don't give a shit about 68 of them.

Hey Stanford, you know what is a more impressive number than 95? Two of them: 24 and 23. 24 points scored against my beloved Trojans and 23 points allowed by the same Trojans. I'm impressed by that. Not by 95 NCAA national championships though. 17 of them are legit and very impressive, the other 78? Not so much.

College sports can be boiled down to a handful of sports, and even here I'm being pretty liberal with what I'm allowing. In order of importance: football, men's basketball, baseball, men's hockey, men's water polo, men's volleyball, and I'll throw in rugby because Cal needs something that they can win at. Now I'm not trying to take anything away from men's gymnastics or any of the women's sports, but men are genetically superior to women. You can't argue with science.

Additionally, you should be proud of every single victory by a team that represents your school, all the way down to your women's chess team to your blasian dance troupe to yes, your Pac-8 club hockey team. However, don't ever tell me for a second that you're going to base who has the better athletic program and who is "#1" based on such trivial sports where your school is one of only four or five other schools that can field a team.

And yes, I do realize that USC (even without football) is #3 on that list of NCAA national championships with 84. But I am willing to invoke a strict double-standard here and say it's only cool when my school does it. But for the rest of you, it doesn't count.

Weekend Update

2007-11-19T00:57:00.000-08:00

With no time to spare, since the weekend has already technically ended and I could be posting in detail on more things. Here's a quick look at all the sports-related incidents that happened over the past weekend that people care about.

College Football:

- #2 Oregon going down wasn't enough for you, College Football Gods? You just needed to have another top 5 fall? That's right, Oklahoma took another tumble to an unranked team this year (see Stupid Colorado Fans storm the Stupid Colorado field after Stupid Colorado's football team). This time it was Graham Harrell and the Texas Tech Red Raiders, located in good ole Lubbock Texas. Did you know Buddy Holly's from there (and my bud Jesse Tow)? Anyway, Oklahoma started off strong with a pretty sick INT return for a Touchdown, but unfortunately Sam Bradford got destroyed on his first play of the game after his tailback fumbled, and he wasn't able to return. Neither was Oklahoma, falling 34-27
- Kansas and Missouri both won, setting up a Big 12 showdown of #2 v. #4 (thanks a lot for ruining the consecutive numbers, WVU). It's a matchup with major national title implications. And people still don't care!
- Some dude on Ohio State named Chris Wells owned Michigan's defense, running all over them to lead his team to at least Pasadena with a 14-3 win. I would've caught the game only it started at 9 a.m. Pacific time. THANKS A LOT FOR FINISHING THE GAME BEFORE I WOKE UP, ASSHOLES.
- Cal continued to prove itself a force of ineptitude, this time fellating the Washington Huskies in a loss. In a game that featured the same clip of a floating bridge and Dan Fouts announcing, I came closer to suicide watching this on Saturday than I ever have in my life.
- LSU started a live tiger on offense to destroy its opponent.

Professional Football:

- After the most preposterous of field goal kicks was ruled "no-good," then changed to "good," then changed back to "WHO THE FUCK CARES THIS IS THE BROWNS v. RAVENS!!!" If you do care...the Browns ended up winning the game to go to 6-4.
- Brett Favre is old but still winning games. Remember when There's Something About Mary had just come out?
- All other NFL recaps of other teams are unnecessary this season because the New England Patriots are performing crimes against humanity in every game. Today they pooped all over the Buffalo Bills (without Marshawn Lynch, clearly the reason for their loss), scoring on 7 consecutive drives in the first half, eventually winning 56-10. Brady hooked up with Moss 4 times in the first half, their defense was solid throughout, and so they decided to just sit around and do Mad Libs for the rest of the game (Not Bill Belichick. He's incapable of laughter). Although it might not look like anything can stop them, history has shown us that sometimes things don't turn out as they should. With the 0-10 Dolphins on their schedule in the second to last week, we may see the marquee win Cam Cameron's been looking for this season. Also the first win he's been looking for. Or we might just see more pooping on other teams from New England.

Professional Basketball (Nothing to report yet on College Basketball except that Stanford got upset, which is always funny to a Cal fan):

- Much like their New England counterparts (you'll remember that every sports related thing in Boston has been going pretty damn well lately), the Boston Celtics are dominating the NBA. Whenever hot chicks are wearing your stuff again, your team is doing well. Unfortunately they suffered their first loss of the season Sunday night to Orlando, but to their credit it was only by two points. If this was last year it would pain me to see the Celtics doing so well, but...
- LAKERS LAKERS LAKERS!!! Off to a 6-3 start in a season which many thought would be pathetic and devoid of a man named Kobe Bryant, the Lakers have been one of the most pleasant surprises for a Lakers fan. A surprise comparable to if you actually got one of those Lexuses with a bow on top of it for Christmas. Not only has Kobe been playing fantastic, but the ensemble cast has shown it can hold its own. I finally got to catch my first glimpse of the Lakers on TV on Friday against Detroit, and they look pretty damn good. Walton's playing like he actually deserved that contract, some of the youngin's (Whose names I am yet to learn. Wait till winter break) are kicking major ass, and Ronny Turiaf is Mufasa. Unfortunately Kwame Brown is still on the team, but nobody's perfect. But Hey, they beat the Bulls tonight. So much for Kobe wanting to play there now! All we have to do is wait for the Lakers to realize it's the middle of the season and collapse back into place like the past two years.
- Some other teams probably won, but they either feature players on the verge of crying, Nazis, or Canadians on their teams.

Baseball:

- Mariano Rivera is back with the Yankees. Great Rivera, you're just going to delay Joba Chamberlain's rise to power another year or so. Way to be a douchepickle.
- Tom Glavine is coming full circle back to his happy days with the Braves. Unfortunately for him, he's washed up. Let's hope he doesn't have to retire midseason.

MLS:

- Houston Dynamo repeat as MLS champions. They beat the New England Revolution. I take back what I said about every team in the Boston area being the best at sports. Extra points for anyone who can tell me what a Dynamo is who isn't in engineering or a physicist.

NASCAR:

-Jimmie Johnson wins something. The only person who cares is Tim. Nerd.

What to be excited for this week:

- A pretty good matchup of Arizona State v. USC on Thursday. Both teams were on bye last week, and the Pac-10 title will pretty much be decided with this game.
- A not so funtastic matchup of Boise State v. Hawaii on Friday. In a year filled with Cinderella teams, there will be no BCS David v. Goliath story this time. Sorry Chris Peterson, we can't have it happen again.
- THANKSGIVING! Enjoy yourself a wonderful Madden Turducken!

In Memoriam: Attractive Uniforms

2007-11-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

Classy, simple, and strong. Those are words you want to describe your uniform. Not gaudy, schizophrenic, and it looks like you're wearing a bra.

We've seen it all so far this year in college football. From awful retro jerseys to disgusting new ones to the horrible overuse of the color yellow to one asinine paint job on the field. In a sport where tradition is everything and current students and alumni alike get all riled up to play a team you've been battling since the 1920's, it is sad to see so many schools try to update their look and in the process one of the only good things they had going for them. However, that's not to say that when it comes to uniforms, old means good. Far from it. (I'm looking at you Cal and Notre Dame.)

This isn't Uniwatch, and I haven't followed every last detail and change in stitching pattern for every Division Bowl Subdivision 1-A Conference team, the following is simply an assortment of some of the unfortunate things I've seen this year in terms of bad uniforms.

These New Jerseys Are as Beautiful as... New Jersey.

Okay so let's say you're a designer and are in charge of designing the new threads for a local university's football team. What do you do?

A) Tweak the current jerseys to update them while keeping the tradition.

B) Start from scratch, designing the jerseys for both form and function.

C) Drink water from your septic tank, eat a box of crayons and then throw up on the drawing board. And then turn that in as your design.

If you're a designer in the state of Oregon, you've obviously picked C. (For those of you keeping score at home, the answer is anything you can think of that is not option C.) The folks at Nike produced the lovely assortment of Oregon Ducks unis last year. Not to be outdone, in-state rivals Oregon State came out with equally hideous jerseys this year. When these two play in the Civil War (Honestly? You guys weren't even a state during the Civil War. Hell I'm not even confident that you guys were a territory at the time.) I think I'm going to die a little inside watching two of the worst uniforms in college football play each other.

Mellow Yellow

Many schools use yellow, gold, or some variation of it in their school colors. And guess what? It's awesome. Look at how great Michigan or USC's jerseys look with yellow trim. Or how about Boston College and Notre Dame with gold accents and accessories. Beautiful stuff in my opinion.

Umm here's the problem with yellow. Some schools think yellow is such a good color, that they decide to use it as the primary color in their jerseys. The results are disastrous. I feel like more teams have fallen into this trap than years past. I've seen Cal, West Virginia, and Minnesota all get rocked by the brilliant idea to make yellow the main color of their jerseys. Tsk tsk. The LA Lakers are the only team in sports that can pull of an all yellow jersey. No one else should try else they risk such folly.

They Got Rid of Those Jerseys For a Reason

I love it when teams use throw-back jerseys. I think it's cool and you get to see some classic unis in all their majesty. That being said, there are some ass ugly retro jerseys and some dumb ass ways of using them.

We'll start with exhibit A: Notre Dame. They have one of the classiest and most traditional jerseys in college football. They also have some cool throwback jerseys. And yet they decide to pick these ones. Additionally, by declaring that they would wear the jerseys for the USC game before the season started, they guaranteed themselves a loss. This psychological ploy may have amped the Notre Dame players right after it was announced, but it's a rivalry game, why aren't your players getting excited regardless? This also made USC want to bitch-slap Jabba Weis and his poorly dressed team.

Conversely, there's Cal. Perfect use of the throwback, poor choice of throwback. Calvin, our resident Cal student, was a huge fan of the throwbacks, but he's not writing this post, so fuck him. The jersey itself is ugly and extremely dated, not a good combo for a jersey. However, I will give Cal props for their use of the jersey. It was a big game for them and they kept it secret until the team took the field. The crowd went crazy when they saw the threads, and there was electricity in the stadium. Cal had momentum before the coin flip! Well done in that regard. Unfortunately for them, the ploy couldn't make up for their best player disappearing, their QB making huge mental errors, and their general inability to stop big ol' Chauncey Washington. (FYI, I was standing in line next to Chauncey at Chipotle today.)

And lastly...

Dude How Did You Ever Think That Was a Good Idea?

This one is not related to football jerseys. It is however related to both football fields and basketball jerseys. I am referring to this. UCLA, in commemoration of the fact that they are the first university too win 100 NCAA national championships (don't get me started on what a bullshit thing that is to brag about) have decided to paint the letter "C" in UCLA gold on both their football field and their basketball jerseys.

Now I've got beef with UCLA jerseys, mostly because I'm biased and I think that jerseys and logos and mascots should be intimidating and strong, but I honestly think that their basketball jerseys and all that shit is decently attractive. What is not attractive is having the rest of the country think you ran out of paint when painting your school's letters on the football field. It's not symmetrical, it looks out of place and haphazard, and it fucks with classy tradition. All no-no's.

UCLA design folk: You guys are dbags. You do your university shame.

So yeah that's that. I'm sure there will be further atrocities from the time I write this article until the end of college football season, but it hurts my eyes to look, so maybe if I write this now, no other teams will wander out onto the field looking like they were dress by a blind Liberace.

Go Crazy Tuscon!

2007-11-16T17:22:00.001-08:00

I'll be honest, I'm not 100% UofA is actually in Tuscon, and I've been on campus for a weekend. That'll give you an idea of how memorable and exciting that place is.

It's literally like all the stereotypes. I saw cacti and tumbleweeds everywhere, and I'm pretty sure my friend stole one of those cattle skulls you always see in cartoons. I kept waiting for the roadrunner to whiz by the Dunkin' Donuts there.

Anyway, that aside, I will say that no one rushes the field quite like the Wildcat fans do. (See: Arizona vs. Cal last year, Arizona vs. Oregon this year at the bottom of the post.) Hell they even rushed the field against UCLA on homecoming this year! Yeah, it was an upset, but UCLA wasn't even ranked!

The 'Cats have so much experience that everyone in the student section knows the standard operating procedure: climb over the railings onto the field at the end of the 3rd quarter (at least that's the way it seemed), get uncomfortably close to Mike Stoops and try to get him to call your plays/sign your boobs, and then have every man, woman, and child swarm the field the second the game ends.

Big props to the guy at the 1:30 mark that rushes the field hopping on one leg while swinging his crutches around in the air.

Oh and because it's physically impossible for me to think about anything outside of how it affects the Trojans, thanks to Arizona I've become an Oregon State fan because USC needs to not only win out, but get either the Beavers or the Bruins to beat Oregon in order to send the Men of Troy to the Rose Bowl with at least a share of the Pac-10 title. Honestly, UCLA has a better chance to beat Oregon, but that violates my morals to root for them, and I don't want to rely on the UCLA Jekyll and Hydes for anything since they have even odds of beating Oregon by 74 and suffering the same fate as Shasta the Cougar.

It's not Baseball season...It's DUCK HUNTING SEASON

2007-11-16T02:38:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: BARRY BONDS INDICTED! FACES 4 COUNTS OF PERJURY AND 1 COUNT OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. COULD FACE UP TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON!
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ SIGNS RECORD 10 YEAR CONTRACT WITH YANKEES WORTH 275 MILLION DOLLARS! INCENTIVES INCLUDED IF HE BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD!!!

Yet after watching Sportscenter for the 5th time this past night, I'm kind of tired of these stories (It's that point where I can repeat all the jokes Scott Van Pelt will make, and know what clips they're showing). Plus Ken beat me to the punch on the Barry Bonds indictment, and I'm still trying to formulate an angle on the ARod signing, but really hoping someone else does something. However, if you live on the east coast, then you might not have stayed up late enough to see the last bit of Thursday night's breaking news trifecta.

Yup, another fucking #2 ranked team fell for the umpteenth time during this college football season. And this time it was those retard ducks from Eugene. There are 14 weeks in the regular season. 5 different teams have fallen from the #2 ranking through 12 weeks, all to unranked opponents. Is it possible we can bump it up to 7 and go .500 for the season on #2 upsets?

I walked out Thursday afternoon for classes not able to catch the end of College Football Live when Robert Smith made his pick on the Oregon/Arizona game. I was hoping he'd have enough brains/testicular fortitude to go with Arizona, the team with a more impressive record in November than USC's 234,581-0 record under Pete Carroll. Arizona had gone 3 straight Novembers knocking off a ranked team. A shit school that's only good at basketball (I'm looking at you too, UCONN) has knocked teams out of the national picture, with Arizona State in 2004, UCLA in 2005, Washington State and Cal (gulp) in 2006. So what's to say they wouldn't do it for a 4th month? Well, besides Robert Smith and the majority of the country, both who didn't think this through though and picked Oregon. Congratulations idiots. You picked a team with history not on its side. And with a water fowl as its mascot.

All my doubts about the Arizona curse were practically assuaged after Oregon's opening drive. Dennis Dixon (an Iguana right down to the lips, teeth, tongue, and green suit) on 4th and 3 found a 6 lane freeway devoid of traffic to scamper on down into the endzone. But being the cocky douchebags that Oregon's team is -- remember how you lost to Cal? Yeah, look where we are now! -- they went for 2. On the OPENING PLAY! Where have we seen such skullduggery and full-on-wankery before?

Meanwhile Arizona looked like it has the other months, sucking it up and punting away, and Oregon was driving again looking like a #2 team. And that's when things started to crumble. Iguana-man was intercepted in the endzone (granted his receiver showed the same hands as Kwame Brown) which was eventually converted for a touchdown. This wasn't a real blow to the Ducks, but they would eventually end up the lame ducks (get it?!??!). On an option play Dixon decided to keep it and roll out left from the pocket, only to fall down untouched and crumple into a symbolic heap of crushed Heisman Trophy and BCS title dreams. Watch the replay. You can hear my roommate going "OUCH. He just destroyed his MCL. Happened to me once, and it killed me. He's gone."

It wasn't just the Reptile that was gone. That play literally caused Oregon to implode. If you were to write out the equation, it would look like this:

Team Centered Around Really Good Athlete - Really Good Athlete = Average Team at Best.

So without their offensive centerpiece, in came Brady Leaf (harbinger of mediocrity and interceptions...AKA not Heisman Frontrunner), and out came Antoine Cason and the Wildcats ready to rip out the hearts of the Ducks. Unfortunately the Oregon Ducks don't have hearts, so Arizona had to settle for an annihilation instead, taking a 17 point lead at the half and ultimately winning 34-24.

With Oregon's collapse, we're at 5 for fallen #2's. What's more distressing about that #2 statistic is that 3 of those 5 teams are in the Pac-10. And my Golden Bears are the only ones who are completely out of a BCS bid (sigh). ASU is in control of the Pac-10 title right now, but they've got Rudy Carpenter as QB. Translation: Fucked. When USC beats them, it'll launch Oregon back into the Rose Bowl bid if UO wins out. Translation: USC kinda Fucked (unless they can do this again). The only hope for USC is that Dennis Dixon is in fact dead or terminally ill, because that will mean a member of the Brady will have to play QB again. Translation: Anyone related to Ryan Leaf is genetically bad at sports related activities.

I feel bad because a Pac-10 team will no longer compete for the BCS national title. And I was going to enjoy saying "Hey look, Oregon lost to us. And my neighbor's Alex Mack!" Now I just get to go "Oregon sucks," while I pray to god that we don't see LSU v. Kansas in a national title game. However, this'll put Tim Tebow (aka that guy who makes every damn shot in beirut games) back into the Heisman race. Clearly with all those statistics he's accumulating, he deserves it over Dixon who's just had praise -- some deserved, most not -- heaped on him by analysts and ESPN everywhere. Sorry, stupid fucking Iguana.

And to think, I thought we were going to have get him on tax evasion...

2007-11-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

HA.

HAHA.

Go fuck yourself Barry Bonds.

You had this coming and you deserve any punishment you get. Any man that cheats his ways to two of the most storied records in sports (HR season, HR career) and dethrones one of the classiest men in baseball history (Hank Aaron), while simultaneously being a complete and utter jackass to his fans, fellow players, and the media has to have karma barreling towards him like a ICBM missile. (Yeah don't ask, we just covered the SALT treaties in my foreign policy class, so I've got missiles on the brain.)

The article I read on Bonds' indictment says that he could go to prison for up to 30 years on five counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, and lying before a grand jury. (How is lying before a grand jury different than perjury?)

Obviously, there's no way he'll go to prison for 30 years. He won't go to prison for more than 2 years, and the only way he'll see any prison time is if the judge is a Dodger fan. Regardless, this is a victory for justice, equality, the American way, and apple pie.

Ever since I was a little kid watching Gretzky do wizardry with a hockey puck, and Magic and Showtime perform Cirque de Soleil on the basketball court, I have been in awe of athletes and sports in general. The drama was pure and raw. But steroids has ruined a lot of that for me. It's like going from watching Lost to watching Temptation Island.

But if Barry Bonds spends just one day in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass-prison, my childhood sports innocence can be restored.

School Spirit, Hooray

2007-11-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ah, college sports [*Note: By college sports, I am of course only referring to football, (men's) basketball, and (men's) hockey (I'll throw (men's) lacrosse in there even though they're not in season), anyone who takes pride in their school being good at something else needs to re-evaluate their life (I'm looking at you, UCLA, women's sports extraordinaire), as no other sports bring the excitement that these do. Fact.]. How I love thee. And yes, I swore off college football, but come on, you didn't ACTUALLY think I would stop paying attention, did you? Besides, my Oregon-Kansas BCS championship pick, made when they were at #'s 5 and 10, respectively, isn't looking that ridiculous anymore is it?

But I'm not here to talk about things on a national landscape. Because in the end, it isn't really about winning championships (False, it is about winning championships, but for the purposes of this article, bear with me), it's just the atmosphere created on campus by these sports.* A recent slate of exciting sporting events took/is taking place here at Miami, and our school dubbed it "Super Fan Week," lasting from last Friday through tonight, and what a week it has been.

Things started out on Friday night with a hockey game against Notre Dame. It was our first home game as the #1 team in the nation this season, which made it all the more disappointing to come out on the losing end of a 2-1 game in which we outplayed them by far. However, Nathan Davis, who is one of our best players and was a popular preseason pick to win the Hobey Baker (hockey's version of the Heisman), returned to action after separating his shoulder in the first game of the season. He also scored our lone goal, so I guess you could say that was the silver lining in our first loss of the season.

The Saturday night game was a totally different story, as Miami came out firing early and often, quickly jumping to a 2-0 lead and eventually winning 3-1, enough to maintain the #1 spot in the polls. The "Super Fans" were out in full force that night, full of "Notre Douchebags," "God Sucks," and "Air Force" chants (Notre Dame football had suffered an embarrassing loss to Air Force earlier that day), helping cheer their team to victory.

On Tuesday night our basketball team opened its season with a 59-57 victory over Xavier, who is by no means a bad basketball team. You'll recall last season's NCAA tournament in which eventual finalist Ohio State needed a couple miracles to beat Xavier and got all of them. An interesting note from the game: Only four players combined for our 59 points, and one of those players had 5. So essentially, an injury can absolutely ruin our season. But for now, undefeated! Also, this seems like a good place to throw this video in, just because.

Tonight "Super Fan Week" concludes with a national broadcast (ESPN2, 7:30 EST) of our football game vs. Akron, which means Lou Holtz and Mark May are most likely currently at my school. Perhaps I can make my way up to the press box tonight and ask Lou Holtz for a personal pep talk on what to do about my geology class. Anyway, a win tonight (coupled with a likely Bowling Green loss to Buffalo this weekend, or if we win next week) will put us in the MAC championship game, with a January bowl game on the line. (You read that right. The International Bowl is in January.)

So what am I really trying to do with this post, other than tell you about how my school's sports programs suddenly don't look like shit? Well, nothing, really. That's about it. I suppose you could try to apply these to your own school. Support your teams, even when they lose, because they're probably more pissed off than you are, and try to remember that they're just college kids. That being said, feel free to lay the points tonight and take the RedHawks and the under.

Cal v. SC, starring Nate "Not So Great" Longshore

2007-11-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Saturday proved to be an eye-opening day for me. An awakening, if you will. No, I didn't try LSD for the first time (good guess though). And no, I didn't read Ulysses by James Joyce (wtf dude? why would you ask that?). Two of my good friends rassled, which was absolutely hysterical but not eye-opening (although it did unveil some homoeroticism). I'm referring to the Cal/USC game. I had this game circled on my calendar since the beginning of the season and was looking forward to up until Cal and USC blew cock. Since it started to bear (get it?! B EAR!) little to no significance except bragging rights, the game lost its luster. But I still went, and three things became utterly apparent to me, all of which suck: Football games in the rain, The USC marching band, and Nate Longshore.

First, football games in the rain suck. A majority of the Cal student section hadn't been to a football game in the rain (and some wish they weren't stuck in the rain), myself included. Surprisingly, it hadn't rained that hard at a Cal home game probably since they last wore those royal blue/Block C uniforms (I'm not saying my thoughts on Cal's Jo e Roth throwbacks. That's reserved, as well as my thoughts on unis other teams have worn this year, for an article at season's end). Anyway, us being the geniuses that we were decided to go and get some great seats early, not realizing how drenched we would be before the game started, let alone when it ended. I think I gained 30 pounds by the end. Thankfully I got a sick yellow Cal football shirt and can tell my children that I sat through an entire football game in the rain, but in the end I also ended up with pneumonia and frostbite. And our team lost.

Second, the USC marching band sucks. I don't mean on a technical level. In fact, they're downright fantastic when it comes to the musicality. But when your song catalog is about as deep and good as the UCLA QB depth chart, you suck (I really just had to make a joke that they've started their FOURTH QB OF THE YEAR, who's a converted wide-receiver). USC has about four different songs: Tribute to Troy, Fight On, that "Duh duh Nuh Nuh Nuh HEY!" song, and Tribute to Troy. The Cal Mic Men tried to tell us a chant to say during Tribute to Troy (played after everything USC did on both Offense, Defense, Special Teams, Timeouts, Halftime, Pregame, Postgame, traveling to and from the game, and while sleeping) that was witty, but we came up with the most appropriate chant: "BOO [USC MARCHING BAND]!!!!" My friend's expression on the left pretty much explains it all.

Third, Nate Longshore sucks.

Yes, I said it. I don't like to berate a member of my team; I am an ardent supporter of them through their trials and tribulations. But something needs to be done about the Nate Longshore situation, and something needs to be done preferably now. This season, he's thrown 12 TDs and 10 INTs. Granted, he's gotten over 2000 yards passing through only 9 games played, roughly 220+ yards per game. Pretty impressive stuff from a guy who's been hobbling and isn't even the best player on his offense. However, the stat that's not shown on his player profile but is clearly the most staggering is this:

1 TD
12 INT

That's his statline during 4th quarters throughout his collegiate career. He's thrown that 1 TD this year, compared to 5 picks. That means he's improved from the 7 INTs last year, but he can match it with two games left. So when you look to reasons why Cal blew it against UCLA, Arizona State, and now USC, you might still say that the defense didn't come up as strong as it needed to. Or you could say that Justin Forsett wasn't able to carry the entire team on his back like he did during the first five games. Too bad you'd be an idiot for thinking either of those. This is glaring, and it means our most important guy on offense, the guy who manages everything and leads the team, can't finish.
Some people at ESPN think Longshore's going to be good in the NFL. Come on, seriously? He hasn't shown that he can lead a college program to the next level -- a conference title. Granted that's a large task for one college athlete, but he's gotten Tedford's support plus great recruiting notes that keep people hoping. I don't buy it, and I think it's time for a switch. It's time for Kevin Riley.

Why am I putting my faith in the culprit who infamously made a "bone-headed" play when he should've thrown it away? Yeah, I know...everytime I watch that clip too I hope it'll turn out differently, but it doesn't. Why am I putting my faith in the guy who you might point fingers at for creating the clear split in Cal's season (5-0 before 10/13, 1-4 after)? If you're asking these questions, then you didn't read my last article on Mr. Riley. I could make any number of comparisons and critiques about Longshore and Riley's mechanical abilities, their differences in size and speed. Instead, I'll simply point to their ability to lead the team downfield.

Kevin Riley against Oregon State started at the Bears' 6 yard line and drove all the way to the OSU 12 before time expired. He completed 3 passes for a total of 74 yards, and DeSean Jackson helped him out by drawing a PI call. He did it all by himself, didn't rely on anyone else to help out, and unfortunately in the end he tried to do TOO MUCH by himself.

Longshore has had two separate 4th Quarter drives, both of which ended the same. At UCLA on that second to last drive Cal started on the UCLA 35 thanks to a lengthy kickoff return. They got to the 30 thanks to runs by Justin Forsett, and on Longshore's first throw of the drive he was picked off for the win. Against USC, Cal started at the 8, and made it out to the 30 thanks to Justin Forsett runs. Longshore completed a pass to Forsett which he took 34 more yards to the SC 36. Then he was picked off once again.

Compared to Riley's attempts at doing too much, Longshore has demonstrated on two separate occasions the inability to do enough. Sure Longshore may have been hampered by a sore ankle, but should Jeff Tedford be placing his unconditional support in Longshore anymore? If you want to minimize the damage and start planning ahead, you should take some of your faith away from Nate Longshore and let Riley take a few snaps. I'm not screaming for a redshirt freshman to start (although no one would mind now), but give him 10-15 snaps so he can get a feel for the other teams in the league and have a chance to compete against Longshore for the starting job next year.

And while we're on about that, we should see a bit more of the other youngin's. Jahvid Best and James Montgomery are going to be taking the helm in the backfield next year, and I am extremely excited to see what they can do. If they get a few carries away from Justin Forsett, they'll develop and we could see them compete nicely against USC's Joe McKnight and Stafon Johnson for best tandem in the league. More importantly, though, I'd like to see some of our other wide receivers. With Jordan and Hawkins graduating and hopefully going to the draft (best wishes to them, they will be great), DeSean Jackson is the only possible return. Some think he's overrated, but when you're triple covered there's only so much you can do. If he were to stay it'd help us develop some of our younger receivers, none of which I know by name.

With the season lost, thanks to too many miscues by the offense (except the offensive line. Way to go by Alex Mack and co. You are one of the most dominating in the country), defense, and special teams, I really hope we get some glimpses into the future during these last two games. And I am praying that future is Kevin Riley.

I said College Football, not Rationality!

2007-11-07T22:20:00.001-08:00

WARNING: What you're about to read is the result of me not caring much about collegiate football anymore.

Remember that one Big Ten school everyone was fawning over to win their conference title before the season started? Remember that one time when the AP top 25 was composed of teams that actually belonged in it? Remember that one time N orm MacDonald still existed? Yeah, those were the days that were. Too bad all of those things feel like they last were around when Newt Gingrich was still a name people discussed in a serious manner (okay, maybe no one ever did that).

Instead, we're here today to look at the possibilities of another Ohio State team playing (and most likely getting destroyed) by another SEC team, this time LSU, in the BCS title game. I will admit this was half of many people's preseason predictions, because who wants to fuck with a team that's got a real live tiger as its mascot? But the legit mascot = title game rule doesn't entirely hold sway, as there are other main national title contenders. But they're the Ducks and Jayhawks (Conveniently both located in the states where my relatives live, so I can't really express that much more displeasure towards them) and Sooners (WTF Oklahoma?! Get a better state nickname or flag, I don't care if it has a history or not!)

So in commemoration of my utter disdain for this collegiate football season (and laziness at not putting more thought into a post) I'm going to make some comparisons for these five teams, as well as a few others. But here's the fun part: We're going to compare them to some of the movies over this past year. Well, not we. I, and hopefully you'll read it. And if you don't agree with these movies, or my comparisons, whatever. Put it on my tab.

Oklahoma Sooners : Sicko - Remember when Sicko came out at the beginning of the summer and you really wanted to see it because everyone else said it was really good? But then you never really got around to it because it's another generic movie made by Michael Moore, and we're all kind of tired of his bumbling around. Perhaps that was just how I felt, but either way, Oklahoma is the same way. Both are renowned at what they do, and typically win awards. But we're tired of them, and don't care if they do well...unless we live in the state with the second stupidest motto.

Kansas Jayhawks : Once - According to many websites, this movie got great reviews. I remember my mom telling me that it was amazing, and she even gave me the soundtrack to listen to (I have yet to validate this with a listen). But in the end, who really saw the movie? Not me, just like most people won't see Kansas. They're playing well, evidenced by their anal-drubbing of Nebraska last week. And they're a midwest team that isn't OU or UT, so people don't get to see them televised much, if at all. But up until this year, the only player I knew for the Jayhawks was Brandon Rus h. And he plays basketball. Hear that Kansas? You're a basketball school. Stay that way.

Oregon : Transformers - Ask anyone over the summer. I love Transformers. That was my entire childhood, watching Optimus Prime and Megatron duke it out on television (while the Touch plays in the background...WTF?!?!?!?!?!?) while Starscream whined like a bitch in the corner, then playing with the toys afterwards and reenacting every single instant on TV. So when I got to see my toys come to life in one of the most realistic and fantastic movies I've ever seen, I was literally blown away. The movie was a gigantic orgasm of the senses (Megan Fox an additional orgasm). And critics everywhere, including myself, applauded how phenomenal and exciting the visuals were. But when it came down to it, the plot line blew and there was no character development. Such are the Ducks. Everyone loves how explosive they are on the field, since Kirk Herbstreit wants to perform fellatio on Dennis Dixon everyday. Only problem is their coach and team has no personality, no interesting storylines (yeah, we know he played baseball over the summer already). Besides, they lost to Cal, now unranked. HA!

LSU : 300 - Every dude's dream. Lots and lots of violence, death, and destruction, combined with lots and lots and lots of sex. This movie was similar to Transformers, only the actual sex aspect made it pretty fucking sick. So you got really pumped up over the movie (maybe dressed up as a spartan), then went to see it and got even more pumped up. Your eyes were overwhelmed visually, but in a good way, and there was a whole lot of intensity. Only problem is that when you looked back on the film, you kind of realized that it isn't that great of a flick. It's more just a popcorn eating fl ick, and you don't want to watch it all the time. Enter Mike IV, Les Miles (Still in the running for Douchebag of the year), and the Bayou Bengals. Hyped at the beginning of the season as a dynamite team which would eat everyone alive, they looked great against Virginia Tech. But as the season wore on, you realized they had some cracks, first with that safety against Tulane and then the close one against the Gators. By the time they got to Kentucky, you knew it would break. It was just a miracle they didn't twice against Auburn the week after. This time instead of just intense visuals, they've got a lot of intense names going for them: Ryan Perilloux? Trindan Holiday? Early Doucet? Come on now!

Ohio State : Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - The highest grossing film of 2007 (yeah, I didn't believe it either), and the latest -- come on, you know it's not the last -- in what's been one of the most successful movie franchises ever. I must admit, it was pretty spectacular. Except that it had Chow-Yun Fat That end fight scene in the maelstrom was and orgiastic sensual experience, and yes I just used that to describe an action movie. Yet, this was honestly the largest grossing film of 2007? By no means did it deserve this honor...and Ohio State last year (Pirates 2) sucked even harder. I'm kind of lacking in really good comparisons for this team to the movie though, because no one knows anyone on the team (except for Arsham Dianat).

And now for some other team comparisons. You'll notice that Knocked Up, The Ten, and Superbad aren't on here. That's because no one is good enough to equal them.

USC : Walk Hard - It's another movie by Judd Apatow, but will it follow up how good his previous movies have been without the likes of Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, and Steve Carrell in the lead? Probably not. Similarly, the expectations for Pete Carroll's Trojans were great this year. They can't meet them, but can he pull his crew together to at least salvage a BCS berth?

Hawaii : Bee Movie - We've heard way too much about this film (just ask Ken) before it's come out, even though we all know that movies following the Antz formula suck. Hawaii, you're in a different time zone. And your "Heisman-caliber" quarterback threw 5 INTS in one game. Go home.

Notre Dame : Norbit - They are two of the most horrendous things I have seen in my entire life. Worse than lemonparty.org.

Boston College : Live Free or Die Hard - Bruce Willis returned, but he was accompanied by the likes of the "Hi, I'm a Mac" guy. That pretty much sums it up. And that's it for BC: A really superb actor with a lackluster cast that couldn't quite bring the whole thing together. Matt Ryan's pass to Callender is the new Doug Flutie moment for them though.

West Virginia : Spiderman 3 - What should've been the end to arguably the best comic book franchise turned out to be a total flop. West Virginia was a darkhorse national title contender. They're still ranked 7th in the BCS. But they lost to a school who's football program was in D-II a decade ago, and have fallen off the map.

Michigan : Blades of Glory - This comparison is very tough. I tried to look for a movie which people thought would be great, but actually started off very terribly, only to level out and turn out to be pretty good (but not nearly as good as people initially thought it would be). Thus my only rationale for making this comparison, since we all knew Blades of Glory wouldn't be that good, was that it had Pam from the Office in it (in lingerie no less!). And Michigan has Mike Hart (fortunately not in lingerie).

Cal : Across the Universe & Saw 4 - I thought the premise for Across the Universe was pretty awesome. An entire movie made of Beatles music that was redone, and a script that revolved around the lyrics. And some of the songs in the movie were pretty rad, like Helter Skelter, Happiness is a Warm Gun, I Want You (She's so Heavy), and Revolution. But of the handful of really cool/exciting/well done songs, there were at least triple the amount of mediocre/bad songs in the movie (and who knows how many left on the cutting room floor). This coupled with a generic love s tory and a thin script that could really only follow the lead of Beatles lyrics caused Across the Universe to really just be a different time period Moulin Rouge, which I didn't care much for either. Such was Cal's season. It looked good on paper, multiple offensive weapons, and a young but untested defense that could probably bend-not-break. There were a few cool spots, like the revenge win against Tennessee and the nail biter win against the nation's fuckbuddy Oregon. But there were too many holes as the shortcomings piled up with a Kevin Riley scramble, a Nate Longshore pick, and the breaking of the defense, ultimately causing the team to crumble. Now everyone's so sick of it that you'd think they'd just seen Saw 4. Wait...there's a game against USC this weekend? Oh well.

Why Am I Doing This? Pt. 2 (or 10 Things I Learned On Saturday)

2007-11-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

So I thought I was gonna write this post on Saturday night, but I’ve been so tired that I’ve need Saturday night, all of Sunday, and then the majority of today to recharge the batteries and get back to normal.

For those of you that aren’t privy to the content of this post, I mentioned on Friday night that I was planning to get up at 4:45am Saturday morning and go to Ye Olde King’s Head, a traditional British pub, to watch the Arsenal vs. Man U game, and then come back to USC for our homecoming game against Oregon State.

Luckily, I’ve survived both the half-asleep drive to Santa Monica and the rowdy Brits, and am here to share 10 things I learned on Saturday.

10. California is in the worst time zone in the world if you’re an English Premier League fan.I love being able to wake up on Saturdays and turn on the TV to see moderately interesting games already in the second half. Additionally, I love being able to watch Monday Night Football and then go grab dinner afterwards. I love the fact that during the NHL playoffs, no matter how many overtimes a game goes, I will be able to watch it until the very end and still be able to get plenty of sleep for classes the next morning. However, I do not enjoy waking up at 4:45am. That’s just bullshit. Most of my friends were coming back from parties at the same time I was waking up to head out for the game.

9. College makes everything acceptable.

So I go to my friend’s frat to tailgate for the football (not futbol) game, and his parents happen to be there. It was really awkward because I wanted to have a few drinks, but I know his parents and his parents know my parents and in general that’s awkward. But then his dad kept trying to get me and the girls I was with drunk…alright, well then game on I guess. I had a beer with his parents, while my friend played a round of Louisville Chugger in front of them.

8. Sometimes tying feels just as good as winning.

After a very close and exciting game, Man U pulled out to a 2-1 lead in the 86th minute, and then proceeded to do a very good job of playing keep-away. They had all but sealed up three points on Arsenal’s turf, and all the Red Devil fans at the pub were starting to celebrate the win, when a clusterfuck to the net (SEVEN ARSENAL PLAYERS IN THE MAN U BOX!) gave William Gallas an opportunity for redemption, which he seized to tie the game. Gallas, who earlier had a Man U shot deflect off of his hand into the net to put his team down 1-0, delivered a powerful strike that Man U keeper Edwin Van Der Saar successfully blocked and deflected away during the 93rd minute. Unfortunately for Man U, Van Der Saar and the ball he knocked away were both very clearly across the goal line, which means count it. Boo-yah! My buddy and I practically skipped out of the pub because we were so happy with the draw, while all of the Man U fans sulked.

7. Sometimes watching the opposing quarterback get his face shoved into the ground nine times feels just as good as scoring a touchdown.

Okay so the Trojan offensive looked sick during the second quarter, raping and pillaging in the manner that they were supposed to be doing all season, but other than that they look fairly lackadaisical and average. However, USC’s ridiculous defense and stud true-freshman freak of nature Everson Griffen (affectionately known as "The E-Train") more than made up for the lack of offensive firepower by registering nine sacks, several on third down situations. Griffen alone had 3.5 sacks and in general looked like a man on a mission. It is going to be fun watching him develop.

6. Arsenal has a lot of heart.
I was very impressed by the Gunners’ resiliency and mental composure after falling behind twice to a very good Man U team. Additionally, they could have easily given up and conceded defeat as extra time was winding to a close, but instead the young team kept fighting and kept pounding until they tied the game up. Furthermore, the leader of this team, 20 year-old Cesc Fabregas, is already one of the best players in all of EPL and is getting better every game. In 15 games for Arsenal in all matches this season, Fabregas has 11 goals and 9 assists. Additionally, he earned huge style points for responding to the yellow card he received by trash-talking with the Man U player he fouled and mimicking his diving for the next two minutes. What a guy.

5. USC (and frat row in particular) looks like a ghost town at 8am on the weekend.

The girls on the soccer team were starting to practice at the field across from my dorm, but other than that I don’t think I saw a single living soul until like 10am. To be fair, were it not for the soccer game, I wouldn’t have woken up until around noon myself.

4. It’s okay to be a dirty ho at a football game, as long as you’re a clever dirty ho.
This fellow USC student had one of the classiest shirts I have every seen in my entire life. For the game between the USC Trojans and the Oregon State Beavers, this girl wrote in sharpie on the back of her shirt, “At least my beaver likes to get pounded by Trojans.” Bravo ma’am. You do your university proud. I expect to see you in the next TV ad USC makes.

3. 6am is apparently as good a time as any for a pint of Guinness.

Okay, so I’m not a Brit, nor a frat guy, nor an alcoholic, so I might be speaking as an odd man out here, but why in God’s name would drinking a very thick, dark beer at 6am be a good idea? When the game was starting up, a waitress came around and basically got every single person in the pub a cup of coffee. The next time around, a few people ordered some breakfast, a few people like myself simply got another cup of coffee, but a surprising number of people started ordering pints. And then started ordering a second round of pints. And then a third. And so on. Uggggggggggggg. Just thinking about drinking that much Guinness that early in the morning is making me feel sick. Speaking of which…

2. Mexican food, 3 cups of coffee, a Philly Cheesesteak, beer, and Panda Express do not mix well.
Woof. I had Chano’s for dinner, coffee during the soccer game, a Philly Cheesesteak from the Pantry for lunch, beer before the football game, and Panda for dinner. I was not a happy camper. Imagine if I had gone to a party and drank more that night like I initially planned to until I basically fell asleep watching Sports Center. Anyway, word to the wise, the aforementioned ingredients plus lots of jumping and screaming equal vomit. Luckily, I knew this equation from my chemistry class in high school and knew to limit my consumption. Additionally, imagine if I ate a ghetto dog (bacon-wrapped hot dogs cooked in shopping carts by various illegal street vendors that can be found all over USC after football games) on the way back from the football game. It would mean the worst.

1. I am going to Ye Olde King's Head for every big soccer game for the rest of the season.

Yeah, it sucked to wake up that early. Yeah, I felt sick and was tired as shit for the rest of the weekend. Yeah, it prevented me from going to parties on both Friday and Saturday night. But it was 100% completely worth it. Absolutely without a doubt the best environment to watch a soccer game in. The pub was electric. People were constantly cheering and booing, as well as jeering at opposing fans. The fans all knew their shit, and were all very committed and loyal fans. It just felt right. And as great as it is to be sitting in your room wrapped up in a blanket watching your team play, it doesn’t come close to the sheer exhilaration of an entire pub going ape-shit because your team tied the game with under a minute to play in the game.

P.S.
If any of you are looking to buy me a Chanukah gift and don’t know what to get, a Starbucks card might be a good idea because I’m going to be needing a lot of caffeine for the rest of the year to get me awake for all of these games.

In Case You Missed It

2007-11-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted in a while. I don't really have any good excuses like "I was swamped with homework" or something dumb like that. I was just playing a lot of Halo 3. But anyway, here's a quick look at the only important things to happen in sports recently.

One free taco from Taco Bell*

This was the only important thing that came out of the world series.
* Free taco was not actually free. I had to buy something else to get it. So it was more of a 2-for-1 taco.

The Los Angeles Galaxy failed to make the playoffs despite an admirable run to close the season.

The MLS, realizing what a financial disaster this would be, just decided to cancel the playoffs and give the championship trophy to David Beckham. Not the Galaxy, just Beckham. In good knightly fashion, he has allowed the teams that qualified for the playoffs to continue playing "for, you know, second place."

Martina Hingis cheats, denies it, and then promptly retires.

Martina, just a hint: if you get accused of something you believe you didn't do, despite what both of your test samples say, pretty much the LAST thing you want to do is retire. Because that pretty much just seals the deal in the public's eye. Well, that, and those two positive test results. But then again, it's women's tennis, and people only care about how you look, not really whether or not you were cheating. I don't even know if you were that great of a tennis player in the first place. In fact, I didn't even know women played tennis. Are the rules the same as men's tennis? Do they even keep score? I'll have to look into this some more.

Navy beats Notre Dame, blah blah blah 46 years, blah blah blah, price of eggs and milk, THERE WAS A TOTALLY AWESOME SACK.

Since I gave up on college football, I can now just focus on cool stuff like this. Seriously, think about how the quarterback felt when he saw that replay. I imagine he said something along the lines of what the rest of America thought: "Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Two records that won't be broken for a long time, if ever, were set in the same game yesterday.

Adrian Peterson ran for 296 yards, which is absolutely absurd, especially against a Chargers defense that, while they aren't as good as they were last year, did not seem like the group to give up the most yards to one player in NFL history. Unfortunately he was wearing one of the ugliest jerseys in the NFL, and I'm not just saying that because I hate the Vikings. Those things are legitimately hideous. While that record could feasibly be broken, I don't see how the other one can. Antonio Cromartie ran back a missed field goal 109 yards. He was practically out of bounds when he caught the ball, so I don't really see how anyone could get a 110-yard return. Impressive performances by both of these guys.

The Biggest Football Game Ever (In The Regular Season), aka Super Bowl XLI 1/2, aka Manning v. Brady, Round 10, aka It Sucks For The Houston Area Because They Have To Watch The Texans-Raiders Game Instead Of This One, was played, with the Patriots beating the Colts 24-20.

This game was incredibly hyped, and deservedly so, I suppose, as both teams have looked incredible early on. The game was fairly exciting, although it was not the fantasy bonanza I was hoping for. Did the absences of Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh hurt the Colts? Probably. But it was their defense that let them down in the end after doing such a good job of limiting the Patriots offense the whole game. Oh well. I found myself having a hard time getting into this game. I just really didn't care that much. Although it was nice to see Belichick not look like a homeless person. And in other "two guys who are dominating the crap out of their sport" news...

Even though you still don't care about NASCAR, this has been one of the most exciting finishes ever.

Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson combined to win 10 of the first 26 races, which is a fairly impressive percentage. Since the Chase has started, they have won 5 of 8, those 5 all coming in the 5 most recent races. With only 2 races left and Johnson clinging to a small 30 point lead, you might want to tune in next Sunday. Not that you will.

More "things I like that you probably don't care about:" the Miami University hockey team is 8-0, and the only undefeated team in the top 10.

Our captain, Ryan Jones, has grown his hair out so much that he is actually starting to resemble a lion. He is also tied for the second-most points in the nation with 11 through 8 games.

That's all that's really been going on. The NBA started, but no one really cares because it's boring until February or so, and Kobe is still on the Lakers. NHL games are still being played, but nothing much of note has happened. College basketball gets underway soon, which is a very good thing. End.

Why Am I Doing This? Pt. 1

2007-11-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

It’s Friday night. I finished the last of my midterms this morning. I’ve got the room all to myself while my roommate is away. And how am I celebrating? Staying in an going to sleep as early as possible tonight.

Why?

Because Setanta Sports is not a channel that is included in my basic cable package at USC. So instead I am waking up at 5am, grabbing some coffee, and driving to Santa Monica to Ye Olde Kings Head to meet up with my friend and watch one of the biggest games of the year.

Ye Olde Kings Head is a traditional British pub, where the words “wanker”, “piss off”, and “bugger” are commonly heard. (My roommate’s been dying to go here for the past few months, so he’s going to be so pissed to hear I went without him, and to watch his boys play no less!)

As for the game, which all of you die hard sports fans are frantically wondering why you don’t know what huge game is being played tomorrow morning, it is the match between Arsenal and Manchester United. The two teams are tied for first place in the Premiership at 26 points and have both been on fire recently. In fact, Arsenal is still undefeated this season, and until Arsenal tied Liverpool last weekend, they had won 12 straight matches.

And guess what? I just got a little hotter in north London as Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor recently revealed that Man U tried to poach the Togo national over the summer, only to have him turn down the offer. And then! Sir Alex Ferguson, the United manager, said that the young Gunner squad can only be judged by how many trophies they’ve won, not how well they’ve played so far this season. (FYI, Ferguson’s side won the Premiership League title last year, while Arsenal finished fourth.)

Oh snap.

Tomorrow night I will write about my experience being called a scallywag, or whatever those lobsterbacks will call me, and then coming back to SC for our homecoming game against Oregon State. (Insert beaver innuendo here.)

Grady Little DURRRRR

2007-10-30T11:37:00.001-07:00

"DURRRR" is exactly what's going through his head right now. Probably because he doesn't have cognitive abilities that are greater than that of a four year old (a four year old who doesn't understand the basic strategies of baseball). Sidenote, how good is that doll? Granted, he didn't really fuck up that much this season. The team still had a winning record...by two games. And when you were picked by many people to at least appear in the World Series, let alone win it, yet finished fourth in your division, you're probably going to face some scrutiny. Because of this, the Dodgers are taking a direct 180 approach from their previous policy -- the "Well, we'll stand by him because he's old and retarded" stance -- to a newer one of "We want a new cup of Joe" policy.

I'll admit, it's a bit of a backstabbing move. You don't go and turn your back on your manager after you've firmly stated he will be back for the next season. And you typically don't go and turn your back on old people (unless they are really pissed at you). Fortunately, many in the Dodger organization feel he killed our season, and they've been pursuing one of the two Joes on the open market: Joe Girardi and Joe Torre. Since the former just agreed to man the Yankees for three years, we're down to one choice. Coincidentally, I think someone called for hiring this guy a couple of weeks ago...

So what this means is all good things for Dodger nation (expect for fans of Rick Honeycutt). 82.2 % of people polled on ESPN say that Joe Torre is the right man for the Dodgers position. (Thanks for getting something right Sportsnation!) Don Mattingly will most likely be taking along, and I've heard some things about Torre bring more of his coaching staff along, so we'll have at least two geniuses managing. The only question now is (as was posed by Dodgerblues yesterday): What's the deal with ARod?

Personal feelings first, I am torn. I loved those days with the Mariners with Ken Griffey Jr, Edgar Martinez, Jay Buhner, Randy Johnson, John Olerud, and Alex Rodriguez. And then he bolted for money. I felt like a bit of me died inside (doctors determined it was in fact my childhood innocence) that one of the best players in the MLB betrayed my team for cash. And then he moved on to the Yankees and started routinely sucking in clutch situations against my one of my other favorite teams, so I felt some form of retribution. What does this all add up to? If ARod were to follow Joe, would I be happy or mad, or maybe both? Would he finally be able to hit in the clutch, or would he continue to stink it up like a 100 year old egg? (That video isn't that funny, but you should try to find the one from Fearfactor).

I think I would do what decent New Yorkers did. I'll cheer him when he's kicking ass and taking names, and I'll boo him when he's farting all over the place. But will the Dodger's frontoffice be shelling out the money, and increasing their payroll to more than the collective GDP of Australia, Iran, and the African continent? If you looked at all the ludicrous spending they had this past offseason on worthless acquisitions (see: Jason Schmidt's wasted starts, Juan Pierre's fielding inabilities and lackluster OBP, and Randy Wolf's old), one might think they are running low on cash. And it'll take a lot of cash to buy ARod. Then again, the Dodgers have done worse in the past.

Lastly, the benefit of bringing ARod to LA would be monumental. It would actually complete the analogy I started a few weeks ago (Yep, still sticking to it) about the Dodgers following in the footsteps of the most recent Lakers dynasty. Joe Torre will become Phil Jackson, and he will have many a Kobe Bryant to work with in Russell Martin, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, etc. But the Shaq in the Equation? That's ARod. A pretty good player with a weird personality who hasn't made the impact he should have in the postseason quite yet. So I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed. If he sucks/starts bitching, maybe they'll find a way to ship him to Miami too.

At the very least we won't have a man who's IQ is comparable to a cucumber manning the helm anymore.

Soccer Dopplegangers!

2007-10-29T00:34:00.001-07:00

So here's the deal, outside of me, Tim, and a small handful of our assorted friends, no one gives a shit about soccer. This is disheartening to me, but I think that I've devised a way for the rest of you to learn to recognize some of the biggest players on the planet: dopplegangers. What are dopplegangers? Glad you asked. So here we go, via me and Tim: soccer dopplegangers.

Cobi Jones - The Predator

There's no denying this one. All he needs is that laser thing and he'll be the best player in the league despite his age. Additionally, this explains why Galaxy rivals Chivas signed Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Pavel Nedved - Jeff Spicoli

Nedved's club, Juventus, recently got demoted to Serie B for match-fixing and bribing of referees during their championship season atop Italy's Serie A (the championship was subsequently revoked...huge bummer considering that they were clearly more talented than second place Inter Milan with or without referee help). So does that make FIFA Nedved's Mr. Hand? On the bright side, I heard Czechs don't smoke much pot, so he should be in the clear for that.

Manuel Almunia - Waluigi

Not sure on his stance on eggplants, but Almunia shares more than a face with the video game villain. Waluigi has already proven himself to be quite the goalkeeper himself in maybe the greatest game of all time: Mario Strikers. Rumors are abound that Chelsea is negotiating the transfer fee for him just in case Petr Cech ever has this happen to him again.

Edgar Davids - Geordi La Forge

Wikipedia says Geordi was born in the African Confederation in the year 2335. The one black dude in Star Trek is automatically from Africa even though he has the whitest voice of any character on the show? Is it somewhere in LeVar Burton's contract that characters he plays are required to be from Africa? None of this is related to Davids, but he plays in the Netherlands and I don't watch Ajax ever, so I honestly know nothing about him. No word on whether Davids is blind like Geordi, but I will investigate.

Ronaldinho - Jar Jar Binks

Imagine how much better Episode I would have been if Jar Jar could do this. He's one of the greatest ballers in the history of the world, and is consistently much more entertaining to watch than that stupid Gungan. I literally spent all 2 hours of that movie thinking about this.

Cesc Fabregas - Ryan Howard (from the Office, not the Phillies)

Just like Ryan, Fabregas is a wunderkid that's been rising fast and performing out of his mind. All Fabregas needs to do is grow a beard and turn into a douche, and he'll be all set. But on the bright side, like Ryan, his nuts are huge. Side-note: I like the thought of Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger being Michael Scott.

Peter Crouch - A Giraffe

A big, dumb Mr. Roboto giraffe.

David Beckham - Legolas

You have to go back a few haircuts because Becks is constantly getting one stupid hairdo after another, but the resemblance is stunning. Additionally, Beckham's pinpoint free kicks are analogous to Legolas' pinpoint shots with the bow and arrow.

Carlos Tevez - Bootstrap Bill

That shit is gross. Three questions for the Man U soccer star: 1. Is that contagious? 2. Would you ever consider playing for Arsenal? 3. What your girlfriend's eyesight and/or self-esteem like? On top of that, he had an affair WITH AN EVEN HOTTER SUPERMODEL! No picture on that girl, but trust me, I search the web every night. My only explanation is that there was some sort of Medusa effect where she stared at his grotesque face for too long and turned into stone, this leaving her helpless to the passion of the Argentinean.

So now that you've got a good idea of what some of the major soccer players around the world look like, I suggest you start watching soccer games, if only for the footballers' wives.

The Second Coming of Massachusetts

2007-10-26T19:37:00.001-07:00

I really really really wish I lived in Massachusetts right now (and not just because of the state of affairs of the Golden Bears. That rhymes.) Not here in Massachusetts. I wish I lived in Boston. The public transportation system is fucking amazing there -- a foreign concept to an LA native. Dunkin Donuts are on every corner, and I love Dunkin Donuts. I could pahk my cah at havahd yahd (actually, I wouldn't have a car because CARS IN BOSTON ARE FUCKING INSANE). More importantly, because I lived in Boston, all my sports teams would be winning (I have yet to verify anything about the Boston Bruins because I infact still do not watch Hockey. This would lead to a greater increase in my personal well-being, and more importantly lots of partying everywhere. No, not that type of party. I'm talking about lots and lots of partying, with:
1. Dudes with awesome accents
2. Attractive women
3. Stephen King.

Unless I was number 2, I don't think I'd get to see the true "Jesuses" (or is the plural Jesi?) of Boston: their star athletes. With the success of the Patriots, the Red Sox, and Boston College, and the presumed success the Celtics will have as well, I have compiled a list of the top 10 Sports Superstars in (and around) Beantown right now. From 10-1, and in no affiliation with Bill Simmons, here we go:

10. Jonathan Papelbon - Even if you haven't seen him dominate over the past two years, most recently in game two of the World Series, watch this video.

9. Kevin Garnett - If I was posting this next week once basketball season had officially started, he'd be way higher up there (and maybe Paul Pierce and/or Ray Allen would make the list instead of the entirety of the Red Sox lineup). But as it stands, KG is ready to pwn the Atlantic division. The scariest man in recent NBA memory hated Minnesota (Sadly, it's one of the most hate filled states in the country?) and is gonna show the rest of the country what he can do in a viable market with teammates that aren't Latrell Sprewell.

8. The Boston Infield - They don't get much love because who really cares about defense that much. However, Youk is on pace for a beast of a performance in the postseason with all the hits and runs he's scoring (and he looks good for a gold glove, too). Pedroia is the leadoff man the Sox were looking for (and did you know he can hit?). And given their monstrous performances, Lowell, the Sox regular season RBI leader, looks lackluster compared to them. Fortunately that's offset by the useless Julio Lugo playing shortstop.

7(tie). Wally and Manny Ramirez - Since they exist in a symbiotic relationship, Manny and the Green Monster had to tie. Whether it's playing lackadaisical defense off it (like that laser to knock out Kenny Lofton in the ALCS) or hitting dingers over it (see ALDS game 2), Manny and Wally tend to get along pretty well. Let's hope that the Rockies win two more so we can see the two working it at Fenway again. Oh, And he's also leading the AL in AVG, Ribis and dingers this postseason (We need more preposterous synonyms for baseball statistics. Like Swipes. How about Whipers?)

. Randy Moss - He's ripping up the NFL by leading (before this Sunday's games) all wide receivers in touchdown catches and receiving yardage. If you took a gamble -- well, it's Randy Moss, so you knew last year was just kind of a fluke -- on him for your fantasy team, you are probably laughing at everyone in your league and having a plentiful amount of sex with hot women. Or maybe you're just scoffing at your opposition. Either one is respectable, although the term scoffing is far more hilarious.

4. Big Papi - Statistically speaking (swipes and whipers aside), Big Papi is in third for Boston this offseason behind Manny and the lumberjack (Stay tuned for a future post on the jobs sports players WOULD HAVE if they didn't play sports). But who really cares? If you are walking around Boston, who really wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis and scream "I'm your biggest fan!" (For that matter, who wants to run up to Kevin Youkilis in the first place? The man is a behemoth). The answer is Big Papi. And his postgame goggles in game 7 were far better than this teammate's.

These last three constitute the great Jesus triumvirate in the greater Massachusetts/Boston/New England area. So who are they?

3. Matt Ryan - If you aren't in college, you are asking yourself "Who/What the heck/hell/fuck is Matt Ryan?" No, he's not another weapon of the patriots. And no, I didn't go and look at the Boston Bruins to throw in a monkey wrench on this list (apologies to the Boston Bruins fans out there). And if Thursday night hadn't happened, then it would probably be just the next two. If you didn't read that recap, here's the quick summary: BC's down 0-10 with two minutes left. Matt Ryan marches the team down the field for a Heisman caliber touchdown drive. BC gets an onsides kick. Repeat step 1. BC wins 14-10, avoids being the 4th straight number 2 team to lose. In pulling for the upset, I found it very hard rooting for Ryan. But watching that drive, Matt Ryan showed the poise of Joe Montana, the arm of Dan Marino, and afterwards the stomach of a sorority girl after too many beers. And to top it all off, he even tackled one of his coaches after the play. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Heisman trophy winner.

2. Josh Beckett - He might not be the oldest pitcher on his team (Mike Timlin - 2381 years old). He might not have the largest arsenal (Dice-K, with 17.3 different pitches). And he might not be the best looking pitcher on his team (Paps). But he is the best pitcher on his team, and this offseason he's solidified why he's getting paid so much money to play in Beantown. More importantly though, this man is the most impressive postseason pitcher in recent memory, and let's hope we get to see him at least once more in this fall classic. Fox showed a graphic during game one with the best October pitchers stats for ERAs, K's, BB's and IPs, and since I was busy playing Halo on our other TV (yes, we have two TVs next to each other downstairs) I only really remember Sandy Koufax. He has a monstrous ERA of 1.20. He has 30 Innings pitched. He has 35 strikeouts. But the most impressive statistic by far? Through 30 Innings he's given up only TWO walks. Yes, I said TWO?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you serious Josh Beckett? GET OUT! (Now why can't the Dodgers sign a guy like him, instead of Jason Schmidt?)

1. Tom Brady - Ladies and gentlemen, the true lord of New England is Tom Brady. Ken and I have discussed many a time how much we wish our favorite sports teams were run like the Patriots. Incase you haven't realized how they do it, it goes like this:
1. Play through the season professionally and as successfully as possible.
2. Figure out what problems existed during that season.
3. Fix those problems.
So last year the Pats front office realized that Tom Brady should actually have some people to throw to. And what did they do? GOD FORBID, THEY GOT HIM RECEIVERS!!! Add it all up, and you've got Brady playing pitch and catch all around the country with Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth (I guess the three wise men to the Brady Jesus). Whenever a team is sucking, most people will blame the quarterback. But whenever a team is doing well, they usually will praise him. And folks, with every week being a step closer to that unthinkable perfect season, Tom Brady deserves all the praise in New England. Just look at this. Now look at his stats. And just think how much more he'll get if he can spank Peyton Manning in week 9.

Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

2007-10-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hockey is my first love. As amazing as the Hunt for October in baseball, March Madness in basketball, or the bowl games of New Year's Day in college football are, nothing beats a few Canadians smacking around vulcanized rubber for 60 minutes.

My love for hockey was sealed during the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals. I was 4 going on 5 and was just starting to get into sports for real. The LA Kings had just finished a classic seven game series against the Toronto Maple Leafs and were all set to play the Montreal Canadiens. The Kings took game 1 and were poised to take a 2-0 series lead heading back to Los Angeles when Marty McSorley's stick was determined to have an illegally large curve on it with just a few minutes left in the game. Montreal scored on the ensuing powerplay and used the momentum to win the series and the Stanley Cup. The Kings have never been past the second round since. Watching that game, as heartbreaking as it was for me, sealed my love of hockey and sports in general.

Fast forward to now. I'm in college. My friends are in college. I go to a school close to home in my favorite city in the world, I'm getting an amazing education, I have so many opportunities for me, and I get to root for one of the best football teams in the nation. And yet something is still missing. Oh yeah, this. I want that. I'll take double the classes and fly back and forth between Oxford, Ohio and LA if I can get in on that. Unfortunately for me, USC, unlike Miami (Ohio), does not have the #2 ice hockey team in the nation.

But!

That doesn't mean I still can't watch college hockey.

Yes, USC does in fact have a hockey team.

Last year I went to the Pac-8 (Arizona and Oregon State: get your shit together) Ice Hockey Championship in El Segundo. USC played the powerhouse (at least as close as you can get to being a powerhouse team in the Pac-8) Oregon Ducks in the finals. Quite a game, and surprisingly quality hockey. The second period ended early in order to sort out the over 10 penalties assessed in a three minute span. USC tied the game with a pulled goalie under a minute left in the 3rd period, and then won it in overtime. Pretty fucking rad if you're a Trojan.

Anyway, so I found out last night that USC was playing a hockey game against our favorite school in the whole wide world, those lovable Bruins of UCLA. Even better, I found out that the game was literally down the street from where my dorm is: Staples Center. My reaction was obviously (and only a few of you will understand what I mean by this): GATOR!

So me and my friends grab our sweatshirts (second time I've had to wear a sweatshirt all year long) and headed to the game just after the Kings game at Staples Center finished. We get to Staples only to find that we are not allowed in to watch the game. You have to have attended the game and then stayed for the USC/UCLA game afterwards (which we knew was total bullshit because my friend Cornelia was at the game and she was at her sorority during the Kings game and thus obviously didn't attend).

We refused to take no for an answer and ended up getting the ticket stubs to the Kings game from people leaving the stadium, and then tried to get in with those. That didn't work. Being the clever and cunning students we are, we then went to a door where there were no security guards and snuck into Staples Center. I know, my account of getting into the game is not on par with Tim's descriptions of lines around the stadium waiting to get in, but I bet he never had to deal with panhandling for ticket stubs to a game that had just finished.

Anyway, so we get in and though the place wasn't packed or anything, there was a decent crowd for both teams considering the game was at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night off campus and was poorly advertised.

One weird thing we learned at the game: this game at Staples Center was a home game for UCLA. For those of you not familiar with Los Angeles geography, let's review: USC to Staples, and UCLA to Staples (fyi Mapquest does not factor in the ridiculous traffic associated with driving from Westwood to Downtown). So where is USC's home ice? The Anaheim Ice Center, 30 miles southeast of USC. Don't worry, I'm sure the made sense at the time.
Regardless of who's home game it was, the crowd was about 60-40 Trojans. Both sides were loud and raucous, and in general the game was a lot of fun. Bruin fans were constantly doing the 8-Clap (out of time for the most part) and Trojan fans did the SoCal Spell-Out after every goal (also out of time for the most part). There was jeering back and forth, and it felt just like any other USC/UCLA rivalry game (although I will say that the USC/UCLA blasian dance-off was by far the most intense).

The only thing that was unfortunate was the quality of play. USC and UCLA are club teams and were playing their 6th and 5th games of the season respectively. Since they're club teams, they don't get to really practice during the off-season, and I wouldn't be surprised if most of the players got very few opportunities to ever get on the ice during the summer. As a result, both teams were sloppy with their stick-handling, shots, and passing, but showed flashes of brilliance with their vision on the ice. The team will significantly improve as the season goes on, if last year is any indication for the Trojans. They started 5-6 before finishing 16-6-1 and winning the Pac-8 Championships.

The actual game itself was intense. UCLA had an early 2-1 lead, but USC bounced back with three unanswered goals. The Bruins pulled within one, but USC scored again to make it 5-3. The Trojans then killed off a 1:45 two-man advantage for the Bruins. As the third period drew to a close, the Bruins scored to once again make it a one goal game. They then drew a penalty and pulled their goalie with under a minute remaining, but USC, thanks to some amazing defense, managed to hold onto the lead and win the game 5-4, much to the dismay of the UCLA fans that took a bus from campus to Staples Center.

If you go to USC, UCLA, or any other school in the Pac-8 (Beavers and Wildcats be damned), go and watch your hockey team. It's a lot of fun and these guys are literally your average students. They aren't on scholarship, they don't get special benefits, they weren't recruited. They got in to your school just like you, they take the same classes as you, and just happen to play hockey.

This Just In: Lou Holtz Is a Moron

2007-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ok just a short post for right now because I need to study for my IR and Arabic midterms (and/or apply for a job at McDonald's because I'm going to fail out of college after these two midterms).

But that's neither here nor there, I'm watching the BC/Virginia Tech game (fyi unless BC picks their game up, they will be the fourth straight #2 team in the nation to lose) and the half-time show just finished.

Don't know if you've figured this out, but Lou Holtz is an idiot.

At some point while he was droning on and on about how big Dennis Dixon's dick is, and how everyone at USC sucks (Wow, really Lou? Didn't see that one coming at all from you.), he started talking about USC's two quarterbacks: John David Booty and Tony Sanchez. I'm sorry, who? Dude, you cover football professionally, how do you not remember this stuff? Additionally, how did you get Tony? Mark...Tony...Mark...Tony. Nope, I don't see it. Oh wait, yes I do. YOU'RE OLD. QUIT YOUR JOB YOU OLD BASTARD. AND TAKE MARK MAY WITH YOU.

So yeah, I had myself a good chuckle and all was well in the world. Lou had made his mandatory stupid comment, and Mark May had been overly aggressive in his poor analysis of anything sports related.

But!

Lou Holtz got up to make one of his trademark pep talks to Nebraska. (Sorry Husker Nation, this means you're guaranteed to lose this weekend. You'll probably be demoted to 1-AA, too.)

Anyway, so blah blah blah I'm Lou Holtz and I give horrible pep talks that are extremely predictable. (By the way, if you were playing along with the "Lou Holtz Drinking Game", I think you would have take like 48 drinks during his two and a half minute pep talk.)

And then it happened.

I don't have a transcript of it, but Lou said something along the lines of this: "Men, you can fix anything if enough people care. We fixed racism and sexism because enough people cared, and men, we can fix this program if enough of you care."

Did Lou just compare Nebraska's recent string of poor seasons to the bloody and protracted Civil Right Movement of the 1950's and 60's for African-Americans?

Is Bill Callahan supposed to be Dr. Martin Luther King?

Is the University of Texas analogous to the Ku Klux Klan, violently attacking Nebraska's non-violent protests at white-only diners (and by non-violent protests at white-only diners, I mean athletes on scholarship playing football on Saturdays)?

Sam Keller is Medgar Evers, right?

I could go on, but I think Lou's dumb ass remarks speak for themselves.

Just stick to wrongly picking Notre Dame to win every week and leave the historical analogies alone, won't you, Lou?

The Good, The Bad, and Cal

2007-10-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles -- Southern California, for that matter -- is ACTUALLY burning. Never would've thought that crappy Tommy Lee Jones movie would ever become a reality. I went home this weekend and saw the fires firsthand (the airplane pilot decided to take a quick detour to fly us over them and see the smoke) and it was spooky. Hope everyone who’s reading this down there is okay. Fortunately for me, I am not in LA. Unfortunately for me, I am still not okay.

As a side note, before you read anymore, it's time for some shameless self-promotion. We've only been a blog going on 2+ weeks note, but check out this website (12th in the nation! Better than the Golden Bears can say). I'd appreciate it if you went and voted for us by going to the bottom of the right tool bar. Thanks a bunch!

Anyway, I'm emotionally scarred after the second straight loss to my Golden Bears. Ironically, I jokingly said earlier that Cal could go 0-4 before the USC game. Now I'm praying they at least go 2-2. But it would appear that the season is beyond repair. I could outline some of the scenarios to win the Pac-10 title, such as Cal winning out, Oregon losing at USC/ASU, ASU losing to Oregon/USC, and UCLA losing to Oregon/ASU/USC, along with the establishment of a free Palestinian state and the curing of cancer. The way this season is going, all of those are possible…but should Cal win out and be eligible for an At-Large BCS berth, they wouldn’t deserve it given their shitty performances these past two weeks.

The team still gets my support, since I’ve got two more sets of card stunts at the home games. But my explanation for the drop from 2 to 21 is Jordan Kay (Thanks for the irony, Daily Cal). He might not be Tom Schneider/Jesus, but he’s had two crucial field goals missed in losses to OSU and UCLA. Kevin Riley might run the clock out when Nate Longshore doesn’t, and Nate Longshore might throw interceptions when Kevin Riley doesn’t, but those easy three would’ve changed both losses. Oh please lord, grant Andrew Larson even more god-like kicking abilities. Allow him to kick field goals like he punts his 70+ yarders.

Fortunately, one of my teams is actually OWNING. The Red Sox are headed to their second World Series in three years. I am fucking excited, no way around it. As much as I liked Cleveland this year, it’s time for them to shave their beards and hit the road. That means you, Casey Blake. The comeback wasn’t as historic, but it’s giving the Sox some nice momentum for the WS, although it doesn’t match the Rockies momentum. That's equivalent to 1/λ = R (1/n₁² + 1/n₂²). Special thanks to dude in the dorm I was working at last night for supplying me with this equation...I still have no idea what it means.

Most entertaining ALCS player goes to Jonathan Papelbon, seen here doing his best impression of Godzilla/Jolly Green Giant (Green Monster, ah ha!). The man has all the qualities of a great closer: hilarious mannerisms (who can beat that stare?), a southern drawl, and fucking good stuff. In a close second was Big Papi, preparing for either a glorious champagne bath or his first swimming lesson. Everyone knows how silly this man is, but what other tricks does he have up his sleeves (which are huge)? I wouldn’t be surprised if he and the Boston pops perform Ode to Joy if they win the Series.

Let’s hope the World Series lasts for seven games. Because with the end of the Dodgers (I'm praying those Rockies don't win it, since that division will look even more better than it already does) and soon the Red Sox, Cal crashing faster than a Concorde, Tom Brady/Randy Moss and co. pwning the entire NFL, and Kobe still on the Lakers, I’ll soon have nothing. I just might start watching Hockey.

A World Without Peyton Manning

2007-10-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

So one of the things that I do when I'm not blogging is this thing called TIRP, where you guest teach stuff about international relations at high schools near USC. One of the exercises I did with my classes had to do with globalization and was called "Why Should I Care?" It's a pretty simple exercise. Basically you're supposed to plan a fun weekend with your friends and then you're supposed to list all of the things you would need for the weekend. I then tell the students to cross off every single item on the list that is a foreign product or resource, which is basically everything on the list. The point is that you can't isolate yourself from the outside world and that a world without international trade would blow.

But what about if we took this same lesson and applied it to other things, like football players. What would life be like in a world without Peyton Manning?

Alright so let's plan out a fun weekend and then start taking away products that Manning is a spokesman for, and we'll see how far we get.

It's fall, so I'll be honest, my weekend consists entirely of just watching college football on

Saturday and pro football on Sunday.

Friend: "Hey Ken, there's this awesome party tonight on Ellendale. You wanna go?"

Me: "No thanks, the Mississippi State/East Carolina game is still going on."

Friend: "Ummmm okay.....well the game is 24-3, so I don't really get why you're still watching. Plus I heard a bunch of the girls from Delta Gamma are gonna be at the party."

Me: "Yeah I know, but there's still the over/under that's up for grabs in the game, but you have fun."

DirecTV: Hmmmm okay well we've all seen this ad. You know what, I don't even care about the NFL that much. I don't really need to watch those games, I'll just play video games instead.

XBox: Great commercial, really the beginning of the Manning the Salesman era.

That game never held a candle to Madden anyway. (Additionally, real-life tie in: my XBox is broken in the real world, too.) That's alright though, there should be a few solid games on ABC or FOX or CBS for me to watch.

Sony: Wow, okay fuck that. Not only is he a spokesman for Sony, it is specifically for their televisions. (By the way, I couldn't find a video of the ad, but everyone has seen it if you've ever been within 20 feet of a television.) You know what, I'd rather see the game live, so who cares. I'm gonna go buy some tickets to the Kings game tonight.

MasterCard: Dammit, why did I forget about this? (Gotta love the bloopers.) Yeah I definitely don't have enough cash on me. How much do you have on you right now? $5.78? Yeah, okay looks like we're not going to the hockey game. You know what, Kings tickets are overpriced anyway. If we can't watch sports, why don't we just get the guys together and play a little two touch? I'll text Will and Kenny right now.

Sprint: Really hit and miss with these Sprint commercials. Okay, so I don't know how to send smoke signals, and the last time I tried, my RA chewed me out for like 20 minutes or so for setting off the fire alarm at our dorm. Hey, it's all good though. My roommate and I can always just play a little pitch and catch out in McCarthy Quad. Ian, let's roll. I just gotta grab my shoes.

Reebok: What? Seriously? Shoes are overrated anyway. My Neanderthal ancestors didn't need shoes to club animals to death, so it's not like I really need shoes to throw a football around with my buddy. Although, it is hot outside today. Peyton didn't do ads for air conditioning did he?

Gatorade: Fuck off Peyton. I like you, but this is just getting out of hand. How the hell am I supposed to replenish my body with

electrolytes after working up a sweat throwing a football? Powerade? Please. That shit is awful. (Also, when did it become okay to blatantly copy everything about your main competitor's product including half of its name? Was Crocade already copyrighted?) Okay well, it looks like I can't do much for myself this weekend. Hmmm I've got an idea...

American Red Cross: Oh come on! What is that?! I try to spend my weekend providing disaster relief to those in need and YOU have to come in and ruin it for me?! Alright Peyton, you win. I'm going to spend my weekend in my room with the door locked doing the same as many other lonely teenagers with nothing else to do.

Carrie Underwood: Okay, not fair. He didn't date her, he isn't plugging her album, and he's not her manager. Just because she promoted her album as the musical guest when Peyton was the host of SNL does not imply that he was a spokesman for her. That'd be like saying that you aren't allowed to laugh because he was promoting comedy on SNL, or that you're not allowed to support America because he went to the White House after winning the Super Bowl. Those are the rules....that I just made up.

So I guess a world without Peyton Manning isn't that bad. I can still Google Image Carrie Underwood and have a good time by myself as long as I have my Mac.

By comparison, a world without Tiger Woods is much bleaker.

A Letter to College Football

2007-10-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

Dear College Football,

First off, I would like to thank you for being so amazing for nearly 140 years now. Many people complain about college football because you takes up too much of an athletic department's budget, or because your players are sometimes treated like professional athletes, with the "special benefits" they receive. But I have always defended you, because I know that you, America's true pastime, are deeply entrenched in the fabric of our history.

And going along with that, college football has always held a special place in all of our hearts because of the upset. America loves an underdog. Ever since our boys in blue defeated the heavily-favored lobsterbacks, the upset has become a great American tradition. Everyone (except for the fans of the favored team, of course) gets that incredible rush of joy when the unranked team with nothing to lose topples the mighty BCS giant. And the upsets over the years, as there have been many, and there will be many more in future years, have been oh-so-amazing, and I thank you for them.

The beauty of the upset is that it is unexpected. Frequent post-game comments from the winning coach in an upset: "Nobody believed in us except the guys in that locker room." "They said we couldn't do it. Look at us now!" "They got all the coverage, but we got the win." etc. And upsets don't come around too often, so that way, when they do, it remains special.

However, that brings me now to this, the 2007 college football season.

You have clearly realized that we love the upsets, so this season, you thought, in your infinite wisdom, that you would bless us with upset after upset after upset! And you wouldn't ease us into it, with a few minor upsets to start the season, and then getting progressively more ridiculous. No, you started us with a 1-AA (excuse me, National Football Championship Subdivision of Anaheim AA Playoff System Conference) team knocking off a top-5 squad that many picked as a trendy National Championship contender. This was quickly followed by more top 10 teams falling, one after another. It got to the point where everyone expected at least one top 10 team to lose every week.

And that was it. Bam. When we expect the upset, it is no longer really an upset, is it? You knew someone was going down this week. And while Florida beating Kentucky isn't that much of an upset (Florida has now won 21 straight against them), didn't you just kinda sense that Steve Spurrier's Gamecocks weren't going to fare too well against Vanderbilt? Oklahoma looked vulnerable against a bad Iowa State team. LSU needed a last second TD pass to keep them from losing two straight. But again, when we expect the top teams to lose every week, is it really that exciting when they do?

I'm afraid I'd have to say "no" to that question. In your great attempt to please us, College Football, you have let teams stumble in to the top 10, who, not sure how to react, quickly panic and lose to teams that they shouldn't be losing to. And so, College Football, as it is only a matter of time before Ohio State and Boston College lose, I'm going to have to say that I'm done. I can't take it any more. Too many upsets, to much predictable unpredictability, I feel like I'm in some sick episode of the Twilight Zone. The upsets you have bestowed upon us are nice, but we are now legitimately looking at a possible Kansas-Oregon national championship. There's no way these are the two best teams in the country. Just let me know when it's Bowl Season, and I'll be back. You know I can't resist that. At that point the rankings will be set, the dust will have settled, and the teams can play for hardware. But I'm afraid I just can't handle this roller coaster ride any longer.

You may be asking yourself, "Well what the hell else are you going to do?" and I am glad you asked it. The college hockey season is hitting full stride, and (Note: Shameless Miami University plug here) Miami University, a school I happen to attend, is ranked #2 in the country, possibly #1 after this weekend.

And hey, in case you didn't notice, which you probably didn't because there are in fact zero NHL games televised, the professional hockey season started, and I'm just going to let this video sum up why I love hockey:

So don't worry College Football. I appreciate your effort, I really do, but it's just too much right now. I'll miss you, but I think I'll get on alright. See you in December.

Love,

Tim

TGIF

2007-10-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

I found myself on Friday night sitting and watching the thrilling giants of the Big East duke it out. Yeah, that's right...UCONN and L'Ville (in the battle for the coolest school abbreviation). Does anyone else think that Carson Palmer is Brian Brohm's older brother? Or is it just me? Anyway, as topsy-turvy as this college football season's been, Louisville continued to succeed at being a big disappointment. Wait, you just lost to a perennial basketball school? I guess beating Wake Forest last year took too much gas out of the tank. Probably the epitomy of how dull this game was was in the marching bands. Or lack thereof. Way to go UCONN, your stadium's pump-up system was playing Welcome to the Jungle on third down plays. Congratulations.

I didn't have internet for the past two days, so I didn't get to check my Yahoo! Email (and I obviously didn't get to post ). If you don't use it, let me tell you that it is pretty much off the hook. Check it out. You'll notice that there are always four very intriguing stories on the main page. Usually one's entertainment related, which is always off-the-hook (Note how good that song is in the background). One's about how to fix your failing relationship (which is failing so badly that you're turning to the internet for ways to cure it) or your health. One's a feature article about something funny...like this one about Neanderthals! And the last is usually sports related -- dumbed down enough to cater to idiots.

As a side note, these stories tend to make people into bigger idiots. Like this one. Seriously? I know there's slim pickings this Friday night (see ESPN's coverage), but you chose to report about Josh Beckett's ex-girlfriend? Come on (Granted, she's FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE).I must admit I'm not a hockey fan, so I don't know what's going on with the NHL much. However, those sportscenter highlights of Sidney Crosby and the Penguins game were pretty amazing. Regardless, there was very little going on in sports on this Friday night. I think Tim's post on Joe Torre pretty much summed it up. As such, I really just used this post as an excuse to include a link to the funniest Yahoo! feature I've seen in a long time. Way to go J.K. Rowling. We knew Lance Bass had to be gay. But Dumbledore? That's even bigger! I think by far my favorite line is at the very end, in which Rowling notes that Christian groups believe her books promote witchcraft.............................Do they now?

BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN

2007-10-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

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College Football Picks!....The World Has Gone Mad

2007-10-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

Okay so if you haven't been paying attention to college football recently, let me just fill you in on a few happenings.

1. Top 25 Debacle: It started with Michigan losing to Div. 1-AA App. State and has only continued with nine other top 10 teams losing to unranked teams (including USC losing to Stanford). The madness continued Thursday night with #2 USF (wtf?) losing to unranked Rutgers on a series of ridiculous fakes.

2. Wide-Open Heisman Race: Some of the top preseason Heisman candidates (Booty, Slanton, White, Henne, Brohm, Ainge) have been underwhelming to say the least at have been leading teams performing far below expectations. This has led to a pretty wide-open race (which is a total shock compared to the last few years where we pretty much knew who was going to win three games into the season). I stand by the fact that I have just as good a chance as anyone else to win the Heisman this year (it would be a nice addition to the dorm room I think).

P.S. That is not a photo of me, just some dude that has put up numbers that are equally as impressive as any other Heisman candidate.

3. Notre Dame Are Noobs: I know that I have displayed on numerous occasions my incredible distaste for the Irish, but honestly, Notre Dame are noobs. 1-6 start to the season? Ouch. See my "Where Is Your God Now?" article for a more in-depth look at Notre Dame.

With this in mind, let's take a look at the wacky world of college football in this week's "COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS SPONSORED BY BEE MOVIE SPONSORED BY THE NEW 2008 FORD F-150 WITH THE STEWART/COLBERT '08 DORITOS NACHO CRUNCH EXPLOSION HALF-TIME SHOW!"

Michigan State @ #1 Ohio State: Columbus is one of the

toughest places in the nation to play. Ohio State is clearly the better team and has started to gel quite nicely. They are motivated by their embarrassing loss in the BCS title game to the Gators last year and have their eyes fixated on winning a national championship.

Prediction: Michigan State 27 - Ohio State 24. I have no explanation for my prediction, and it is completely illogical. That

doesn't mean it's not a lock to happen. I'm predicting Dantonio goes deep into the playbook and pulls the ol' King of the Hill pooch punt while in the red zone. Ohio State is so baffled that they accidentally touch the ball, but MSU recovers in the end zone for the win as time expires.

#17 Auburn @ #4 LSU: LSU can easily bounce back from a loss to UK and win the national title, but they face a tough Auburn team that has a kicker majoring in Upsets Studies with a minor in Mocking the Opposing Fans. Bad joke and taunting Gator chomp aside, this should be a fun match up. They say you don't really know the caliber of a team until you see them fight through adversity (actually I have no clue they say, this is right up there with the "the best offense is a good defense" or vise versa thing that I still am not sure which way it goes). Regardless, let's see how LSU faces adversity.

Prediction: LSU's mascot, Mike VI who happens to be a real

tiger, breaks out of his cribs-esque 15,000 ft. mansion and attacks Auburn's mascot, Aubie, who is in fact not a real tiger. Auburn plays the rest of the game like Russell Crowe in that one fight from Gladiator. Unlike Maximus Decimus Meridius (does anyone know what paperwork I have to fill out to legally change my name to that?), Auburn sucks and gets mauled. Mike VI picks

up SEC defensive player of the week honors with 6 sacks, 9 tackles, 2 forced fumbles, and 3 causes of death.

#15 Florida @ #7 Kentucky: UK is coming off a massive upset of LSU in a tough triple OT game, while Florida is 4-2 (2-2 in SEC play) and knows that one more loss, regardless of how bonkers this season has been, means that they aren't going to be playing for anything meaningful for the rest of the season.

Prediction: Rich Brooks spends the entire first half desperately rubbing an oil lamp in the hope that his genie will come out again, only to realize after Florida is up 30 going into the the break that he has in fact used up all three of his wishes. (I wish we had a quarterback that defies physics and is a genetic freak of nature, I wish that we could pull off a massive upset on national TV, I wish that every other sports team in the state of Kentucky sucked so that people would be forced to pay attention to us.) Tim Tebow and his new line of jorts scores 9 TDs and scores the phone number from 38 hot Southern belles in the crowd.

#12 Cal @ UCLA: What a bummer for both teams. Funny thing that my friend Chance pointed out about this game, if Cal won against the Beavers last Saturday and UCLA isn't retarded (and when I say retarded, I don't mean stupid, I mean like downs syndrome) and doesn't lose to two significantly inferior opponents in Utah and Notre Dame, then this would be #1 Cal vs. #2 UCLA and both would be happily laughing their way to BCS bids as they notice how much better they're doing than USC. Instead, this game is just depressing for both sides.

Prediction: Unlike my other picks, I'm gonna take the science out of this one. I always enjoy seeing UCLA lose, but then again misery loves company and the thought of Cal being a much better football team than USC is annoying and keeps me up at night. However, my buddy Cal and his friends are coming into town to go to the game, so I'm gonna say the Golden Bears win when Karl Dorrell's conservative play-calling decides to punt the ball on 1st down with the lead and 10 seconds left in the game, allowing DeSean Jackson (did you know he was a USC fan as a kid? fuckin' a) to Soulja Boy his ass into the end zone for the win. Every student at UCLA has an aneurysm.

#14 USC @ Notre Dame: Average ticket price for this game is $500. I'm sorry, but who the hell is paying $500 to watch a 1-6 team take on a team that has been overrated since the beginning of the season and has proceeded to put in pathetic performance after pathetic performance? Charlie Cheeseburger has made the first intelligent move of the season by starting Evan Sharpley instead of Jimmy "Chucky" Clausen at QB. Meanwhile USC is losing men left and right (even my buddy on the scout team's O-line is injured). In related news, if you're a student or professor at USC and aren't busy on Saturday, Coach Carroll would like to know what your jersey size and 40 time is. Something just smells fishy about this game.

Prediction: My international relations teacher, Prof. Lamy predicted that USC would lose 28-24 after being up 24-0 harkening back to 1974 when USC won 55-24 after trailing Notre Dame 24-0 with 10 seconds left in the first half. I think Prof. Lamy is right (how's the grading of my paper going? wink wink nudge nudge), but the incredible Irish comeback will be even more epic than USC's in '74. After several unsuccessful attempts to kill the Trojans (this is the power that is possible when an entire college campus prays for the exact same thing), God successfully smites Pete Carroll and the remaining healthy players we have with a lightning storm. Students are called from the visiting student section to take to the field to defend the lead. Our mascot Traveler lines up in the backfield as tailback and manages to tear through the defensive line as USC attempts to run out the clock, but fumbles the ball into the hands of the Irish (oh you damn hooves!) who return the fumble for the game winning touchdown. Pope Benedict then canonizes Charlie Weiss in a long and drawn out post-game ceremony. Every Catholic in the nation cries foul on Sunday when Notre Dame is not ranked in the top 5.

So there you go. Might at well start putting money on these games based on my predictions (it's not like any one else knows what the fuck is going on in college football anyway). You also might as well mortgage your house right now.

Rumor: Kobe cleans shit out of his locker (gets rid of gross smell that's been lingering)

2007-10-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

The scoop I’m getting from my sources in Los Angeles (hopefully Ken can verify this) is that Kobe has cleaned out his locker. Here's a list of some of the major htings that're gone:
- Some Axe deodorant. Even Kobe uses that stuff.
- Some old ticket stubs from Shrek 2.
- A bus fare (who uses the bus in Los Angeles??!)
- Shoes that don’t fit anymore. HE GREW?!
- A "Guide to the Good Life" LA Edition
- The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
- A few old pizza boxes, presumably that he and Lamar Odom ate after the Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last May.
- Old photos of him and Shaq together, memories of when the Lakers were a "good team" that won "Championships."
- A half-eaten pink's hot dog.
- VHS cassette of 2000 Game 7 Western Conference Finals
- Unused Airline Tickets from this past summer to Chicago, Dallas, Phoenix, and Washington D.C.
- A bag of cocaine, apparently a gag gift to Vlade Divac which was never given.
- Sasha Vujajic.
- A douche.

Word has it that he’s finally shredded all those documents from the rape in Colorado case. I guess he’s finally found some other form of motivation to play well than the fact some girl wouldn’t want to have sex with Kobe.

“What do you think led me to score 81 points during that game against the Raptors? I just went back to the locker at halftime and read the legal ledger. Then when I came back out on the court, I shouted ‘WHO WOULDN’T HAVE SEX WITH ME!’ whenever I took a shot,” said Number 24.

Also missing from his locker is his Playstation2; Phil Jackson believes he’s replacing it with a Playstation3, since the cost just went down.

“Supposedly the graphics on the PS3 are a lot better than that on the PS2. Whatever…Kobe’ll just lose in NBA Live08 in really high definition,” said the Zen Master.

Personally, I have a hunch that, since he’ll be nearly $40 million dollars poorer when he opts out of the last two years on his contract, he’s going to go with the cheaper Wii.

Oh yeah, and he’s finally thrown out all his Laker shit. That includes commitments to the team, fans, and city, too. What a fucker.

Where Is Your God Now?

2007-10-15T18:32:00.001-07:00

Oh Irish, you lovable optimists. You have to appreciate a school filled entirely with cheerleaders. Dirty, ugly, racist cheerleaders.

However, everyone, ND fans included, knew that this season was going to be a tough one. And thus, many Gold Domer Homers (yeah I know, it's catchy ain't it?) took a much more pessimistic and realistic view at the upcoming football season when writing in August. I have seen numerous "realistic and down to Earth" Notre Dame fans write something similar to this gem that was found on SI.com's FanNation section:

"Doubt it. 4-4 at worst. No way Georgia Tech or BC beats them.
IrishR#1 | 08/17/07"

Yes, that's right IrishR#1, worst-case scenario Notre Dame would be 4-4 to start this season.

Fast forward to today. Notre Dame is 1-6 (and would be 0-7 if UCLA wasn't coached by a god damn retard) going into this weekend's game against USC. Additionally, and I bet this wasn't in any worst-case scenario options, the entire program is imploding with numerous Weiss recruits jumping ship, Clausen getting his psyche irreparably damaged by being thrown to the lions when he wasn't ready, and former players and alumni cultivating a quiet coup d'etat against Charlie Cheeseburger.

Look forward to the game on Saturday. (Additionally I'm going to start taking yoga lessons so that I can stick my foot in my big stupid mouth when ND pulls off the upset against my Trojans. Because that's the way karma works. Additionally I hope you all appreciate my allusions to not one, but two Hindu practices during these parentheses. Yes, that was intentional. No, foot in mouth does not count as a Hindu practice.)

Big thanks to Trojan Wire for the video.

I Stand By Kevin Riley

2007-10-14T12:02:00.001-07:00

Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. And Cal losing.

In any other year if you wake up in the morning and see that the second ranked team in the country is the traditional football powerhouse that is California, you're probably still dreaming. Granted, the AP Poll this season has meant about as much as a valid form of ID at a foreign-owned liquor store. Fair-weather fans popped up everywhere, and everyone was in over their heads. But you knew it wouldn't last. I just didn't think it would end so soon.

At the game, we welcomed the alumni back with one of the scariest and most awesome "C-A-L GO BEARS!" I've ever heard. And the starting lineups looked great, because the monster Zach Follett (FIRE, RAGE, FURY) was back! But one thing that had slipped my mind after the bye-week was Longshore's sore ankle that he suffered during the Oregon game. I figured he would be fine since we had a bye, and the GameDay newspaper said that he was fine to play. So when they announced him as the starting QB, Strawberry Canyon had nothing to worry about. Right?

Everyone and their mothers could have told you Mark Sanchez was starting over John David Booty for SC this week. It was advertised by ESPN (continuing with their tradition of excellent press-coverage of the Pac-10), and we knew after that Booty had a broken finger. But when all signs point to Nate Longshore being in good enough shape to play -- even announcing him in the starting lineup -- you wouldn't expect switch to redshirt freshman Kevin Riley on the first play of the game. Tedford (Possible National Coach of the Year) pulled the rug out from under the faithful; I would've expected him to give the crowd (let alone the QB) a few days notice that we might not see Nate.

Due to the fact that Kevin Riley was thrown into this mess, things got off to a rocky start. Cal didn't convert during the first few drives, and the fans were really anxious. This was our homecoming game, and we weren't able to put away a team who's mascot was the Beavers and who's running back's name was Yvenson (All Pac-10 Sickest Name honors). But things started to come together during the second quarter, and you know what? Kevin Riley sure as hell didn't look like a redshirt freshman out there. He looked good, at times better than Longshore. Arguably the best play of the game came when Riley was wrapped up, yet managed to get a pass off which I thought would be called for intentional grounding. It found Craig Stevens (yes, he's in fact still on the team), who somehow CAUGHT IT and carried the Oregon State defense on his back to gain even more yardage.

Suddenly LSU had lost, and everyone in the student section started to jinx the game by chanting "WE'RE NUMBER 1!" That's when I knew we were lost. Even if Lavelle Hawkins can run in a touchdown to bring the game within three, and subsequently cause all of my blood vessels to explode. Even if the script was beautifully written like a Disney movie with the backup quarterback coming in to lead his team. That final drive was almost picturesque, and for a while there Riley had me believing. But this is Cal. It's not 1951. We aren't supposed to be ranked number 1. And when Tedford got greedy and left his field goal unit on the sidelines with 15 seconds left, it was game over.

ESPN and SI can rightfully (and will) criticize Cal's shortcomings all they want, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing for 294 yards. Cal students can make all these facebook groups to express all their frustration over the loss, but don't go after Kevin Riley for throwing 2 TDs and running in another. To quote Mike Gundy (the sworn protector of all collegiate athletes from this point forward), you don't go after a player who's a "good kid" for doing everything right. Sure, he made a mental error on the last play. But he's not the reason we lost. The game wasn't Riley's to decide. Cal has been touted as having some of the best offensive weapons in the nation with Jackson, Forsett, Hawkins, Jordan, Longshore, etc. So no one could blame it all on one individual's poor play. Cal AS A TEAM didn't come out and give it their all, and as such we aren't ranked number 1. But when Riley's tearing up defenses with that cannon during the next few years, you'll regret that you even considered blaming him -- a redshirt freshman, no less.

Most fans were searching for answers in general after the game (as well as lots of alcohol). How could we not capitalize and jump into number 1? How could we not stand up for the Pac-10 and stick it to Les Miles (Sidenote: Hats off to David Oda for that face he's making in this photo)? I'll admit that I was thinking about these same things. Since this SEC/Pac-10 debate started, I've hoped that Tedford could finally put Cal over the hump and make them a legitimate national title contender, and not just the "USC + 9 other schools" conference. This loss sort of derailed that spirit, but the fact that fans were thinking that in the first place is kind of comforting. It shows Tedford's been doing his job; there is a Cal football program, and students at this university care about it (fair-weather or not). The student section screamed its heart out last night, and all we got to show for it was an L and a bunch of sore throats. But I'm sure if you'd told a Cal fan in 2001 about what transpired over last night, and the possibilities that could have happened had Cal won, he would've laughed at your naivety. Told you to wake up. To stop dreaming. Maybe -- if he was angry -- to go fuck yourself.

And that's what many are inclined to do. This conversation with my friend Ethan after the game summed up what's gonna happen to a lot of the student body at Cal.

Me: "So...you got any plans tonight?"
Ethan: "I dunno. I have some homework to do and classes to catch up on. I'll probably just stay in and do that."
Me: "Yeah, I think that's a wise choice. I need to get back to earth."

But not me. Mr. Hypothetical 2001 Bears fan, after this heart-wrenching loss I'm awake, and I'm still a Cal fan. And maybe I'll see you next Saturday (if you shelled out the money to fly down to Pasadena).

College Hockey. Get Into It.

2007-10-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

For those of you not fortunate enough to have a division I ice hockey team...

Miami scores a goal, which means it's time for the students to sing the fight song and berate the opposing goalie.

Who the fuck okayed this?

2007-10-11T23:32:00.001-07:00

Let me start this post off with two statements:
1. I loved Seinfeld. It was one of the most brilliant shows in television history, and the writers are geniuses.
2. I didn't watch the NLCS because it was boooooooooooooooooooring. Except for the part where the Diamondback fans politely disagreed with a call for eight minutes. Video here. Does posting about something that is not even tangentially related to sports make me a bad sports blogger? No it doesn't. Who's the one with the blog here, asshole? Me and not you.

That being said, how many people does it take to ruin a glorious evening of My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock and the Office?
Two. One moronic television executive and one comedian that is apparently not making enough money off of royalties.

Every thirty or forty seconds during that two-hour span of television, I got an awesome sneak peak at the new Jerry Seinfeld film, Bee Movie sponsored by Ford! How efficient is America?We've developed the technology to show two commercials AT THE SAME TIME! Germans don't hold a candle to us. USA! USA! USA!

Okay so let's start out here. There are three horribly egregious and incredibly unkosher things about this.

1. Bees? Was Antz not enough of a hard-hitting movie? Who gives a shit about bees? Additionally, from the 98 previews I saw for it while watching TV tonight, it appears that this new movie is promoting a pro-bee propaganda and completely misrepresenting the dark truth about bees. I feel bad for the animators that had to do research for this film.

2. Jerry Seinfeld, what the fuck happened to you? How did you go from this to this? Where have you gone Jerry Seinfeld? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. What's that you say Larry David? Joltin' Little Jerry has left and gone away.

3. It wasn't enough have a bunch of long, annoying commercials for this crappy movie during the Office, NBC had to have the Bee Movie commercials advertised by ANOTHER COMPANY? Fuck this. I hate capitalism.

My roommate Ian pointed out that there is one minute possibility of this movie being moderately funny: If "B Movie" was a two hour inside joke about how the careers of Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zelwigger (probably not spelled right, but I don't care. come talk to me when you become a half-way decent actress) have gone into the shitter and are forced to do B films.

If Seinfeld wanted back onto TV and into the hearts and minds of the American viewers, then maybe Jack Donaghy had the right idea in mind...

This is Why I Need to Start Gambling

2007-10-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

So in my weekend review post, I mentioned the absurd nature of this NFL season. This unpredictability (See Philadelphia Eagles week 3: Win, 56-21; Philadelphia Eagles week 4: Lose, 16-3) makes me think that it would be damn near impossible to gamble on these games. Basically, you would have about as much luck picking these games as you would if you were a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football.

But alas, you do not have the luck of a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football, because a 35-year-old female Canadian car dealer who knows nothing about football just won $548,532 by picking EVERY SINGLE GAME correctly this past weekend. If Buffalo recovers that onside kick, she doesn't win. If a few field goals have their courses changed, she doesn't win.

Well at least since she had some money riding on these games, she paid attention to them, right? "I fell asleep while the games were playing." Okay, maybe she was really tired after diligently looking up stats to aid her wither her predictions. "All I did was fill in the boxes. I remember thinking when I finished what a pretty pattern it made." Fuck it. This is what the NFL season has come to.

An Homage to Charley Steiner

2007-10-10T11:47:00.001-07:00

If you haven't seen the video where Carl Lewis sings the national anthem, then you must've been living under a rock for the past few decades. Or not alive. Or both.

Gotta love Charley

An Open Letter to My Fellow Trojans

2007-10-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Trojans,
I come before you today just three days removed from one of the biggest upsets in college football history, and unfortunately my beloved Trojans were on the wrong side of it. Watching the football team not show up to a gimme game like a home game against Stanford was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And now it is the second most disgusting thing I've ever seen. (Okay that's not really what I was referring to, but that shit is still gross.)

What I am referring to is the fact that since our loss on Saturday, I have watch USC turn into Salem, MA. And no, not because we've all of a sudden developed a "rich maritime heritage". (Also, I am the only one that gets some sort of strange acid-trip effect when scrolling on the Salem website? Please contact me immediately so that I don't spend tonight under my bed in some sort of hypochondriatic fear.) I have watched students, teachers, administrators, janitors, librarians and this random homeless guy that was wandering around nearby my dorm all point fingers at the culprit that caused USC to lose. "We're too good! There must have been a spy among us that gave the Cardinal our signals and signs!" (Yeah because the fucking hang loose sign wasn't obvious or anything last year. Seriously, JDB? I know you're from Loo-EE-zee-ana and are trying to fit in with us beach bums out here in LA, but no one does that here. Ever.)

Well, sorry folks, but I'm here to tell you the sad and unfortunate truth that none of you want to hear. John David Booty is not the antichrist. Though he played a pretty awful game, he is not solely responsible for the loss. (To be fair, the entire second half was with a broken finger on his throwing hand, and when was the last time you did anything with a broken finger besides pout and whine?) I understand, QB's get all the praise and all the blame, Booty shouldn't get the blame for this loss, just like he shouldn't have been praised as a Heisman candidate at the beginning of the year. Booty's no Leinart, he's no Palmer, and he might not even be a Matt Cassel, but that doesn't mean students should be burning effigies of him out in Hahn Plaza because THE TEAM lost a game. Football's a complex sport, and while certain individuals that have been preordained by god to have magical powers can be a one-man wrecking crew, most teams need eleven guys on the field executing their assigned tasks. Compare and contrast what happens when everybody is doing their job and when nobody is doing their job.

I wanted to actually kill this moron at the football game that started shouting, "Put Sanchez in!" during the first quarter after a wide open Patrick Turner dropped a pass that hit him in the numbers. Brilliant! Put in a quarterback that has failed to pass for a single touchdown and is a total of 5 for 10 on pass attempts during his career (which has been almost entirely against second string defenses I might add) into the game because it's JD's fault that Turner and the rest of the wide receiving corps look like they're trying to catch pianos filled with molten lead. Put Sanchez in because that same O-Line that made JD a Heisman candidate is now about as porous as one particular part of Paris Hilton's body. (In other news, I'm a nerd.)

There are a variety of people, factors, and intervening circumstances that share the blame for the loss on Saturday. However, we as the human race are far too simplistic to accept such a mature and complex answer, we only have the attention span to demonize one person. (Additionally, it is extremely hard to design an effective effigy for "injuries to the offensive line" or "lack of mental preparedness for the game".)

So, my fellow Trojans, who is the one person that is responsible for the loss? God. God has forsaken us. That is why in one play, a lightning bolt came down from the sky and smote two of our offensive linemen. (1. Get well soon Kris O'Dowd! 2. I'm not 100% if it was a lightning bolt, I wasn't paying that much attention at the time.) That is why God managed to take 10 studs at tailback and yet somehow put us in a position against Stanford where Chauncey Washington was the only good RB we could use (not that he played that well either). That is why God took a phenomenal player like Josh Pinkard that would have helped us prevent some of those huge plays by Stanford (4th & 20?!) and gave him a season-ending injury...for the second year in a row. That is why Notre Dame finally won a game this season. (Honestly, how fucking lucky did ND get that Drew Olsen got injured and his backup happened to also be injured?)

So there you go. Feel free to flash JDB a friendly fight on sign when you see him around on campus because he is not the sole cause of your misery this week. But in the odd case that you run into God on campus, you have bigger things to worry about than football because it's probably a sign that the rapture is coming or something. I need to get to synagogue ASAP.

Your friend,

Ken of Troy

Thank God for Bye Weeks

2007-10-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

I spent three dollars last weekend washing the stains out of my pants. Oklahoma lost to Colorado. Texas lost to Kansas State. West Virginia lost to USF. And Cal/Oregon was too much to handle (speaking of too much to handle, my lunch that day...actually, you don't need to hear that). So when I realized that my Golden Bears were going to be ranked third in the nation -- their highest ranking since the 1950s, when our coach's nickname was PAPPY (note how he looks like your gran'pappy) -- I think you can connect the dots to how I'm three dollars poorer.

But College Football 2007, codenamed Project Mayhem, didn't stop there. The upsets continued to pile up like bad drivers on the 405 with Wisconsin (but seriously, that should've happened a while ago) losing to Illinois, Kentucky to South Carolina, UCLA TO NOTRE DAME (in a bout for the title of "who is the more overrated coach"), and Georgia to Tennessee. When not one of the 21-25 team maintain their spot in the AP poll after one week, you know something's wrong with the season.

But nothing was more tragic this past weekend than USC's fall.

As you know, I'm a Golden Bear, and an ardent supporter of my team. I take pride knowing that my neighbor Alex Mack and the rest of the Offensive Line are one of the best in the country, and one of the key reasons we're currently ranked number 2 in the nation. But USC's tumble this past weekend was one of the worst things I could have seen. Sure, Jeff Tedford's Bears have played the Wes Mantooth, while Pete Carroll's Trojans year in and year out assume the role of Ron Burgundy, but too many things are wrong here. USC lost to the same Stanford that won 1 game last year in the Coliseum -- ironically the last school to beat them at home, though 35 games and 6 years ago. John David Booty just crumbled during the game, throwing four picks and ending his Heisman campaign -- although it was a bad weekend for lots of quarterbacks, from Andre Woodson to Brett Favre to Tony Romo. And Tailback U, with more running backs than I have fingers (no, it's just 10), was held to less than 100 yards rushing. At times like this, any self-respecting human being has to sit back and ask himself "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?"

So this has me spinning in circles. Appalachian State is a distant memory. Syracuse over Louisville is but dust in the wind. Cal's arch-nemesis Stanford has toppled the Pac-10 giant (for the time being), and for the first time since I can remember, Cal is ahead of USC in the AP poll. I should be enjoying the limelight, because ESPN is finally forced to give us our dues. We've played well when we were in the spotlight against Tennessee, and stunned all the critics with the win at Oregon (Cal must to build a statue of Marcus Ezeff in Sproul Plaza). But I'm scared. This season is bat-shit insanity, and if USC falls, what's to stop Cal from losing four straight to Oregon State, UCLA, Arizona State, and Washington State before playing USC on Nov. 10 (well, Karl Dorrell, since he's still coaching UCLA)? November 10 was supposed to be the circled matchup on my calendar. The Battle of the Unbeatens. Now? Not so much.

Now I'm also looking ahead to December 1. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm scared of how my Bears will play against a tree.

The Weekend Review

2007-10-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

Alright there was way too much shit that went on this weekend for me to write about one thing. Also, Monday counts as the weekend for two reasons: 1. Monday Night Football, and 2. I don't have class until 7 pm. We'll start with Friday.

Bugs eat Joba Chamberlain alive, OFF! gets a bunch of free advertising, and the Yankees blow it, while everyone in Cleveland laughs because apparently OFF! only repels mosquitoes, and somehow attracts whatever plague it was that descended on the Jake.
Manny, being Manny, gets a big hit in a crucial playoff game that singlehandedly destroys the Angels. I don't even know why they bothered to play game 3. Not even Christopher Lloyd and those two orphan kids could have saved them. Oh, and Jonathan Papelbon, holy shit your faces are amazing. Please never stop playing baseball.
That was pretty much it for Friday.

Saturday

OK, seriously, what the fuck is going on with football this season? Both the college and pro games have had absolutely ridiculous seasons so far. After last week's Top-10 debacle, I thought that maybe some sanity would return to college football this week. Nope. Stanford beats SC (in the Coliseum, I might add), Wisconsin falls to Illinois (who is now tied for first in the Big 10), and South Florida, which started its program a mere 11 years ago, is the 5th best team in the country. Seriously, wtf.
I guess there were some baseball games. The Cubs completed another successful season. That is, if you define success by getting me really excited and then, collectively, as an organization, reaching through my sternum and ribs, grabbing my heart, crushing it in their fist while inside my body, ripping it out, and peeing on it. The Cubs finished the season with their best offensive month of the year, convincing plenty of media outlets that with veteran leadership, this team had a legitimate shot at at least winning the NL, if not even surprising an AL team in the World Series. Oops! Instead, they went 1-for-23 with runners in scoring position and got swept by the D*Backs. (Since when did it become okay to put lame abbreviations on your jerseys? Fuck that.)
The young, upstart Rockies (pictured below) swept the Phillies, and everyone in Philadelphia was put on suicide watch. Just a random note, when I went to Boston a couple years ago, I happened to be there for Opening Day, however I did not see a game there, I just toured the stadium. The Red Sox went on to win that World Series. This summer, while driving back to school, I was in Denver and toured Coors Field. I don't know if that means anything, but let's just say if the Rockies can win it all, and I think they will, you can bet your ass I'll be touring Wrigley next summer, and I'm not going to a single Cubs game.
Patrick Kane scored the winning goal in a shootout to help the Blackhawks beat the Red Wings. I am so ready for hockey season.

Sunday

Back to more of nonsensical football. The only thing that has made sense this year is that the Patriots are really, really, really good. Everyone saw this coming. I wish every team I liked was run like the Patriots. "Hey, last season in the playoffs we got screwed cause we didn't have any big-play receivers." Enter Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. God damn. I just hope they don't go 16-0, although it is very unlikely. As for the rest of the league, it's a crap shoot. Last year's NFC finalists, the Bears and the Saints, were a combined 1-6 entering this week. The Saints blew it again, but the Bears ruined Brett Favre's lovefest with his wife by forcing 5 turnovers. They still haven't convinced me of anything though. (Side note, Devin Hester is going to go 16-0.) My hero of the day: Kris Brown, the Texans kicker. 23 fantasy points! From my kicker! 5 field goals, 3 over 50 yards, including a 57-yarder as time ran out to win the game. What a stud.
The Red Sox finished off the Angels, and the Yankees survived, thanks to Phil Hughes, and not thanks to Roger Clemens, who it turns out is really old and had to leave the game with back problems or some other thing that only old people have.
Not that anyone but me likes NASCAR, but if you didn't catch the highlights or something of this race you missed out big time. Jeff Gordon has huge balls. Massive. Watermelon-sized. This video of the last two laps doesn't really show the pass he made on Jimmie Johnson with about two-thirds of a lap to go, but you still get the idea. You know what, fuck you, I like NASCAR, and Jeff Gordon is awesome. Jerks.

Monday

Paul Byrd and his wacky windup gave the Yankees every chance to win this game by loading the bases just about every inning, but they failed to do anything with it, resulting in the geniuses at TBS giving Byrd the "Player of the Game" honors, to which Byrd responded, "I didn't know I pitched that well." You didn't. But your team can hit, and the Yankees can only hit solo home runs, so it all worked out for the Tribe, and visions of Harry Doyle danced in our heads as they celebrated in incredibly awkward fashion on the mound at Yankee Stadium. Seriously, I don't know if there's a video of this anywhere, but they were all just kind of standing there, hopping in unison. Didn't look like a typical baseball celebration. This could cost them later on.
Monday Night Football! What a dandy. The Bills had many things working in their favor for this game: 1. First MNF game in Buffalo in 13 years. 2. Two of the best players in their history, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, were back, hoping to see their team get some revenge on the Cowboys for all those Boy I Love Losing Superbowls jokes. 3. Inspired by his alma mater's performance, Trent Edwards, the ex-Tree, had all the motivation he needed to prove that he is in fact better than J.P. Losman. 4. They were wearing those awesome throwback unis. 5. Biggest reason of all, this game was written off as a blowout. No one was giving the Bills a chance here, which is never good for the favorite, especially in a prime time game. For most of the night, the Bills were using these 5 things to help them to a (seemingly) comfortable lead. Then something happened and they went back to being the Bills, and managed to blow the game despite perfectly executing the "timeout-right-as-they-kick-the-game-winning-FG" move, which actually originated in week 1, against the Bills! (That was also the only time the kicker missed the second kick. Edit: No it wasn't. Janikowski blew it too. See the comments.) So some random kid hits a 53-yarder for the Cowboys and the Bills lose... again. This team doesn't deserve to be 1-4, but such is this NFL season. You know this guy is not happy. (Turns out I go to school with this guy.)

Overall a pretty action packed weekend. Sports are cool.

At least I don't drunk dial Russ Martin

2007-10-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

Cal already weighed in on the MLB playoffs, but this October evokes a generally feeling that I often get from any playoffs where my favorite team has been eliminated.

My beloved Dodgers' fall from first place in the NL to fourth place in the NL West was not only disgusting, it was heartbreaking. Every day, Dodger fans saw their team slowly crumble as a result of failures to accomplish even the most minor of tasks, like not shitting themselves in the outfield. Based on the age of some of the guys on our roster, I wouldn't be surprised if Luis Gonzales waltzes onto the field next year in some depends.) Towards the last few agonizing days of the season, the once happy rapport that the youth on the roster

had with the grizzled vets turned sour, and they began to argue about petty things, like whether or not Billingsly left the toilet seat up. It all feels a lot like a breakup that you could see coming for miles. You're not even pissed off at the end, you're just depressed. (On the bright side, I don't have to watch some snaggle-toothed alien try to heave a ball at the fragile window that is our glorious past-time for at least six months.)

And then October comes.

The once fond dream you had of your boys in blue (or green or turd brown or hot pink or whatever stupid color your team wears) raising a championship trophy for the first time in what feels like ages is gone, and instead anywhere between 8 [MLB, WNBA (Side note, why does the WNBA have playoffs? They should just have a coin flip for the championship and save me the horror of a WNBA playoff game taking up valuable airtime that could be devoted to a replay of the 1973 Stanley Cup finals or bass fishing or anything that's not the WNBA.)] to 64 teams [any ridiculous championship tournament run by the NCAA] battling to take home a trophy that should have been yours.

In fact, you know what the clusterfuck to the championship, regardless of sport, reminds me of? It's like watching that now ex-girlfriend that just broke up with you get hit on at a frat

party by anywhere between 8 and 64 assholes that want to take her home. (FYI, if your ex is getting hit on by 64 guys at a party, you fucked up bad by letting her go.) Of the guys hitting on her, there are guys you sort of like and guys you absolutely detest, and while you might pull for one over another as a lesser of two evils sort of thing, neither of those guys are you, and at the end of the night, no matter what happens, you can't help but feel a little jealous watching those cheerful asshole douse each other in champagne (feel free to extend sexual metaphor as you deem necessary). I just rooted for the Tribe to beat the Yankees and was slightly happy when they eliminated the Yankees, but ultimately, I returned to being depressed about baseball as the cameras cut to the Indians pouring Budweiser all over each in the locker room celebrating the win.

(Additionally, Budweiser? You guys are advancing to the ALCS and you're celebrating the same way a member of Sig Ep does when it finds an extra $20 in his back pocket? The guys with the lowest salaries on the roster make like $400K, the least you could do is chip in for something of a little better quality. I think C.C. Sabathia gets paid more per pitch than a fucking 30 pack of Bud costs.)

Speaking of Budweiser, I think I'll wash away the pain of the thought of either Colorado or Arizona winning the NL pennant with a beer myself because if I'm going to watch my ex get boned by some jackass in a Avenged Sevenfold shirt and "I Like Pussy" trucker hat combo, then I might as well get drunk and hit on some double-paper bagger myself. So hello men's water polo season, you'll do for tonight.

I want a candy bar named after me

2007-10-08T21:18:00.001-07:00

I'm torn. I'm a Dodgers fan, pure and simple, but secondly I'm a Red Sox fan. And not one of those bandwagon-douchebags who started liking them after 2004; I liked them in 2003, thank you very much. So as the former, I am pissed as hell that we finished fourth in the division, and convinced that it was all Grady Little's terrible managing. I don't think any manager was more polarizing throughout the MLB. Every single move that he made could either be hailed as monumentally brilliant, or more likely terribly retarded. He'd always leave a pitcher in too long (see Broxton's five runs given up to the Padres way back at the season's start), underutilize Mike Liberthal (see Russell Martin's tombstone), and play Juan Pierre too much (about 162 games too much).

On top of that, the Rockies and D-Backs -- both appearing in the league AFTER I WAS BORN -- are gonna be playing in the NLCS. So I'm praying for a tie, although after the whole Coolbaugh incident, and the fact that the Rockies actually demonstrated some seldom-seen human decency in sports by donating their profits, I won't mind the Rockies making it. But a tie would be the best.
As for the the AL, it's the AL Dodgers against the Indians. This is a matchup I'm excited to see. Two dynamite offenses, relatively good pitching staffs with the AL's Cy Young candidates as aces. And Pronk candy bars! (I tried to find a picture of one, but Malley's Chocolates doesn't have any on their website. You can order them here though.

But seriously, so many matchups in the ALCS. Beckett and Sabathia. Papi and Pronk. With those guys plus Manny, Youk, et al, there has to be more fat than in Fight Club. Granted there are some bad players too, obviously all of which played for the Dodgers. Drew, Lugo, and Gagne. This series is really about whether Gagne or Borowski will blow more. And we've also got some nifty plot lines. Manny playing against his former team, and whether he actually decides to play. Trot Nixon sitting and watching against his former team. And Kenny Lofton being really really old. (Thank god Kenny Lofton is in this series. That means I get to see more of that DHL commercial. I've watched that too many times, but each time I find something new and hilarious. By far my favorite is the blatant stereotyped gong that you hear at the end.)

Sidenote: It's currently 9:15 at night here in Berkeley. I'm sitting in my room, listening to music. All of a sudden, I hear a leaf-blower. I got up to check, and it turns out that some dude is just running around our courtyard chasing after someone with a leaf-blower. That guy is the man. I must find out where he bought that leaf-blower.

Anyway, I'm convinced that the Red Sox are too good. They literally barreled through the Angels (granted the Angels didn't stand a chance after people realized that Vlad Guerrero hit more home runs than the rest of his team, and that Reggie Willits wasn't in fact black) and will probably barrel through the Indians since Charlie Sheen isn't on their roster. Unless Francona has a cerebral hemorrhage and starts putting in Gagne, I expect to see the Red Sox quickly meet the Rockies in the World Series.

However, to bring things full-circle, who did the Indians beat? That's right, the dreaded Yankees, most of whom should be within a year of collecting their pensions. We all knew they would collapse: A-Rod just needed to have a monster year and then flail in the playoffs so he could severe all his ties and fly to Chicago. Clemens is beyond washed up, as are Mussina, Pettitte, Rivera, Damon, Williams...oops, forgot he didn't play since they wanted to start getting younger. As a consequence, according to ESPN the skipper's getting pushed overboard. Yup, Joe Torre is going to be out of work, and undoubtedly Joe Girardi is going to cut his skyrocketing TV analyst career short in order to take up the reins. But, not going to lie, I'm kind of sad. It's the end of an era for Joe in New York...

...But who's to say he's finished? Joe Torre is, if there were such a possible comparison, comparable to Phil Jackson.
Both managed the most dominant teams of their respective eras, albeit Joe's have been on decline, and both featured some of the greatest athletes in Jordan, Clemens, and Jeter, to ever play the games. So, just like Jackson, why can't Torre come to LA and make the Dodgers into the contender the Yankees were? He's got some of the brightest young stars in Martin, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, Chad Billingsley, Andy LaRoche, Tony Abreu (...do I really need to keep going?) and they would all clearly benefit from having his coaching. And then he's got some of the oldest, quickly fading stars in the league with Nomar, Officer Kent, and Gonzo (all of whom I would prefer not to see on the team next year) who he might be able to use in one way or another. And he's got a fan-base which is just waiting to return to stardom. It has to happen!
I'm telling you, the parallels are unreal.